ABCDlady Magazine - for the American Born Confident Desi

Love and Sex Prescription

by Ron Bailey

QUESTION I have been in three serious relationships and have yet to have an orgasm. I have read that you need to be comfortable with your partner and yourself. I feel I’m comfortable in every way. Do you think this could be a result of my upbringing, that somehow, in the back of my mind I feel that what I’m doing is wrong and can’t allow myself to let loose completely?

ANSWER A lack of orgasmic response can be either psychological or physical. You refer to "a result of my upbringing", which infers some history of problems that may be contributing to a lack of enjoyment of the overall sexual experience. If this is the case then some type of psychological therapy would be helpful in determining the root cause of the problem which, when defined, would then lead to the appropriate therapy to help resolve.

Physically, a lack of orgasm in women is generally due to improper vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Unlike men, who derive pleasure from the entire penile shaft (albeit the penile head is far more sensitive), most of a woman's vaginal sensory stimulation nerve endings are found in the lower 1/3rd of the vagina. So, armed with this fact, the sexual partner must be patient when exploring this area until he/she finds the right type of pressure/sensation that created arousal in the subject. Once this area and combination of movements are found then it is simply a matter of recreating these sensations in the total context of lovemaking. Particular areas of arousal are the nipples, clitoris, back of the knees, ears, antecubital space (forearm, in front of the elbow), and (of course) the lips.

My suggestion would be do this: set an appropriate mood (area, music, candles, whatever), to show your lover what type of environment you like. I would also suggest having your lover simply touch you, with no intercourse, letting your lover gently and unhurriedly find your arousal areas and where you like to be touched. You can minimize any pressure by simply providing gentle guidance during this exploration by giving feedback ("that feels good" or "that feels REALLY good right there baby") and assisting your lover in "mapping" the hot zones. This exploration also serves to map the "off limits" areas, if appropriate, which is just as important as the free for all zones.

Lovemaking should be mutually enjoyable, whatever your upbringing: if there are things you do not enjoy it is important to discuss those things with your partner. I would suggest this type of conversation take place outside of an intimate moment so there is no emotional or sexual "let down" of either party, with the resultant heartache, when one party is primed to try something which the other party finds not to be so intriguing (to put it politely).

QUESTION I am 27 and my younger cousin is 17. She recently asked me if I was a virgin. My cousin has seen me as a role model since she was born. So, while I wanted to be honest with her and tell her that I lost my virginity at age 22, I felt that telling her would set some kind of example for her. So I lied to her and told her that I was, indeed a virgin. I am still wondering if that was the right move! If she is going through issues with sex, I'd like her to feel she can come to me--I'm the closest female family member to her in age. If she thinks I'm a virgin, she may not bring her issues up with me. But on the other hand, if I tell her the truth, I'm showing her that it is okay not to be one. What do you think I should've done?

ANSWER I believe that your question is not really about the virginity of your younger cousin but, instead, about the trust between two individuals. You are apparently concerned about the possible loss of the existing and lifelong trust created by your response and, subsequent to that, the damage the "white lie" may have done to the future of that relationship. You also seem concerned about how the truth about your virginity could affect your younger cousin.

That being said, I suggest that telling your cousin the truth would have been the best course of action, always with an eye towards listening more than speaking. In many cases, this type of question is a precursor to other information being discovered, i.e. social pressures or other teen issues needing to be vented. The basis of the question from your younger cousin was a confidence instilled in your relationship that allowed her to bring a sensitive and personal subject to a person she has depended on all her life.

There is certainly no shame in the fact that you lost your virginity at 22. Quite the opposite: you could have used this fact to point out that you did indeed remain a virgin until reaching adulthood (legally speaking). You, by virtue of having waited until after high school, have the advantage of understanding the pressures of waiting to become sexually active (the "I've been through it" viewpoint). You now also, by virtue of having become sexually active, have the experience to speak to sexual activity with first hand knowledge and some authority. Telling your cousin of your own sexual experiences that began at age 22 in no way imparts the perception that it is okay for your cousin to do the same at 17.

In fact, many teens in the age bracket of your younger cousin are looking for authority figures to give them a reason not to have sex (defined for this purpose as heterosexual penile/vaginal intercourse). In one random poll conducted a few years ago, of 1,025 teens aged 12-17, 58% of the respondents stated that it is not acceptable for teens in high school to be sexually active. Of the 58% of the respondents, 64% of these opinions were girls. Similar results have been reported through other polls and sampling. The bottoms line: today's teens are not as eagerly anticipating sex as we older adults would believe and are choosing instead to wait until later in life or marriage to become sexually active. Your cousin might be one of those teens—but unless you are able to speak openly and honestly with her, you might not ever find out.

Ron Bailey is a physician assistant certified by the National Commission for the Certification of Physician Assistants. He has a Bachelor's degree in Physician Assistant Studies and a Master's Degree in Family Practice.

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