Love and Sex Prescription

By Dipika Dandade

QUESTION

My family has been putting a lot of pressure on me to get married--I am 32 and I realize I am not getting any younger. But without my knowledge, they put my profile on an Indian matrimonial site. Why is the Indian culture so obsessed with finding us husbands? If I find someone, that would be wonderful, but I am not going to get married just for the sake of getting married. I am perfectly fine being alone and if I choose to date someone, it's going to be on my terms. How can I get through to them?

ANSWER

The main issue here seems to be your family's invasion of your privacy by putting your "biodata" on a matrimonial site without your knowledge. It's likely that they didn't think they did anything wrong--it is possible that they think they did what's best for their little girl. If this is the case, then they are probably also not ready to admit that their little girl is now a woman who can make decisions on her own.

I think the answer to your question relies on how well your parents respond to reasoning. Sit them down and have a calm discussion about why you feel they have invaded your privacy. Try not to let emotion get in the way of being completely rational. Explain to them that you appreciate their interest in your love life and welcome their input. Stress, though, that it is up to you to decide how you want to go about meeting potential suitors. Tell them what you've told me--that you don't want to get married for the sake of being married. They need to know what you're looking for in a husband and what you expect from marriage; this way they will at least know that you have thought about it for yourself.

I encourage you to be open, as well. Nowadays, we all know of someone who is searching for the right person on internet dating sites. The stories I have heard have been hopeful and usually, quite interesting. So, without compromising honest dialogue, try to take your parents' meddling in stride as much as possible. They want what is best for you just as much as you do!

QUESTION

I have a bit of an embarrassing problem. It takes me a while to get wet enough to have sex, but once I do, it seems that my boyfriend comes after no time at all. I've heard about Viagra, but I thought that only middle-aged men use it. Can men in their 30s use it or is there any other way for my boyfriend to last longer? It makes things worse when he knows I'm aroused because that turns him on and then gets him to orgasm. I've heard about men lasting for hours and simply can't imagine that! What makes some men last a long time while other men cannot? Could it be biological?

ANSWER

It sounds like your partner has what is called premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation (PE) is broadly defined as ejaculation occurring before either partner desires. It is actually the most common sexual complaint in men under 40, so it is nothing to be embarrassed about. PE is not thought to be "biological" but rather psychological in origin.

Lab tests are not necessary if your partner is healthy. If you and your partner are open to it, you might start with couple's counseling. Your partner might be asked about performance anxiety or even about his childhood masturbatory experiences. You might be questioned about your relationship.

Other "hands-on" techniques may include the Masters and Johnson squeeze technique whereby your partner is built up to excitement but ejaculation is prevented by placing firm pressure on the penis. There are also desensitizing creams that are used abroad but have yet to be approved in the U.S. Studies have found that PE can be treated with selective serotonin receptor inhibitors (SSRI) such as Prozac, though the FDA has not yet approved the drug for that purpose. Of course, there is also the tried-and-true technique of thinking of his naked grandmother to help delay ejaculation. Careful though, this may work against you and actually cause him to lose his erection completely!

Viagra is unlikely to help your partner. It is generally used to treat erectile dysfunction (think: Bob Dole).

The fact that it takes you some time to get wet and perhaps, reach orgasm, is probably not anything out of the ordinary. Most women take anywhere from five to 25 minutes to reach orgasm. If it takes you significantly longer, however, this may be outside the norm. If dryness is an issue, various lubricants such as KY Jelly can be purchased over the counter. Also, you may find that masturbation can help you find out what gets you lubricated more easily--once you figure that out you will be able to climax faster.

Dipika Dandade, 30, is an obstetrician/gynecologist practicing in the Los Angeles area.

ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.

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