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On the outside, Priyanka had it
all. She was a doctor. She married a nice man. She had just given
birth to a son.
On the inside, she was torn apart and scared.
Priyanka, a lesbian, had been forced into a heterosexual marriage
as a young woman in India. Years later in America, she was still
with her husband, but her marriage was more of a tolerant coexistence
rather than an intimate union.
“It’s a very sad and disturbing family
scenario,” she says, calling the marriage a “non-relationship”
and saying it was enormously difficult to end the marriage after
having a child.
Priyanka, who declined to be identified by her
real name because of the sensitivity of the issue, is now divorced.
She told her parents she is a lesbian. Although her parents know
about her sexual orientation, they refuse to acknowledge it. Neither
her ex-husband nor her co-workers are aware that she is a lesbian.
“It’s considered dirty and bad in
Indian society,” she says, referring to attitudes about homosexuality.
Priyanka says being an out-of-the-closet lesbian in a culture where
homosexuality is taboo led to a 10-year marriage that was marred
with domestic abuse.
South Asians in the United States who are lesbian,
gay, bisexual, or transgender often have a harder time coming out
of the closet than most other ethnic groups, leaders of South Asian
LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) groups say. The socially
conservative values held by many South Asians often lead gays in
this community to stay in the closet for indefinite periods of time,
forcing tumultuous relationships with friends, family members and
partners. These concerns prompt a large number of South Asian gays
in the United States to feel torn between coming out of the closet
and risking being shunned by their peers, or faking their sexuality
in order to comport with South Asian cultural norms.
Gay marriage was a hot topic of debate throughout
the 2004 election season. During last month’s elections, several
states were successful in passing ballot initiatives that banned
homosexual marriages. While this divisive issue has given the LGBT
community a face in mainstream America, the South Asian segment
of this community remains masked.
In an age where homosexuals are still trying to
gain widespread acceptance, but have an increasing political voice,
South Asian gays are uniting throughout the country to raise greater
awareness of their problems. They are trying to help each other
overcome common cultural concerns surrounding their decisions to
come out of the closet. A unified base, mainly generated through
support groups, can provide a voice for this apparently overlooked
segment of the gay community, activists say.
To overcome this invisibilty, the Southern California-based
LGBT group Satrang is working with its neighbor organization, the
South Asian Network, to address the specific needs of LGBTs in the
larger South Asian community. The group is conducting three training
sessions to introduce Network members to the ideas and definitions
of the LGBT community, the issues regarding health, religion and
immigration, and finally, how the group can aid LGBT South Asian
Americans.
“We have a really big mix of people,”
says Sanjay Chhugani, president of Satrang. He says members are
either born in the United States or moved here from a South Asian
country at a young age. Their professions range from students to
retailers to doctors.
Another group, the South Asian Lesbian Gay Association
(SALGA), offers support group meetings in New York and New Jersey.
It also provides a support group for those under the age of 21.
These groups are intended to help South Asians
who may be faced with greater obstacles than their counterparts
in other ethnic groups. Chantal, a 25-year-old lesbian who is a
member of SALGA, attributes a lot of the difficulties to a conventionalist
mindset, cultural expectations and ignorance by family members.
“It’s a lot of pressure to live up
to their expectations,” she says, especially when those expectations
center on an education, a career, a heterosexual marriage and children.
Chantal identified herself by her first name only for this article.
Chhugani adds that many families believe their children’s
feelings may not be permanent, and they might be going through a
phase.
There are more gays in this population than people
may realize, activists say. Chhugani says that if you use the standard
that anywhere from one to 10 percent of a population is homosexual,
then the same holds true in the South Asian communities.
Chantal says there is a sense of ignorance among
South Asians of the number of gays in this community. The stereotype
of a homosexual is of a white, muscular male, she says. There are
few representations of the community outside of this portrait.
Chantal came out to her family four years ago.
She had been seeing a woman, who her parents believed was a plutonic
friend. Her name kept coming up in front of her parents and her
mother grew suspicious. She eventually found out that Chantal had
been lying about the nature of the relationship. Chantal had to
come out then.
The Journey: Coming out as a South Asian American
Coming out is more of a process than a moment, says Chhugani of
Satrang, who is also a 39-year-old manager for a staffing agency
in the Los Angeles area.
“You start with your peers,” he says.
Chhugani moved to the United States when he was 21, and he knew
he was gay since he was 14. He says the process for him began when
he was in India. One experience he recalls was watching Making Love,
an American movie about a married man having a relationship with
his male doctor.
Four years ago, he came out to his mother, who still lives in
India but often visits the United States. He came out to her while
she was in India and she was very supportive. He believes she knew
about his sexual orientation from before.
Chhugani says he would leave hints like watching
shows like Showtime’s “Queer as Folk” with her
when she visited him. He says she is very progressive, and when
he told her she said, “You’re my son and I love you.
I don’t care.”
While there are difficulties in coming out of
the closet in India and the United States, he says the barriers
in South Asia are much greater. “Even the concept itself is
so alien,” he says about the atmosphere for homosexuals in
South Asia. He notes the situation is improving with the growth
of LGBT organizations in cities such as Mumbai. In the United States,
he says there are more resources and greater understanding of what
it means to be LGBT.
In the case of Chantal, she says her family is getting used to
the idea that she is homosexual. Chantal’s parents became
more accepting of her sexual orientation when they learned of other
South Asian friends who came out of the closet. According to Chantal,
family members may be more understanding when they realize it does
not compromise a person’s integrity. For instance, she says,
an Olympic athlete is just as qualified whether he is gay or not.
“I haven’t faltered as a person because of it,”
she says.
South Asian Americans have been raised to have immense respect
and loyalty to their parents, Chantal says. She adds that South
Asian Americans often worry when their actions run counter to their
parents’ beliefs.
In Priyanka’s case, she knew about her sexual orientation
as a child. Later, when her parents chose her fiancé, she
was hesitant. Priyanka says she explained to them that she was not
interested in men, but her parents rejected that notion.
She says her parents argued that different women have different
sex drives, and once she was married she would overcome her problems.
But her problems only increased.
Out of the Closet: The Aftermath
“Everybody has to decide what time is right for them [to come
out]," Chhugani says. “Everybody’s circumstances
are different.” Financial independence from one’s family
is a key factor for the person to feel comfortable when coming out,
he adds.
He recounts the story of a young man from Pakistan who came to
the United States as a student. When he went back to Pakistan, he
came out to his family. He got sent back to the United States with
a one-way airplane ticket; his family disowned him.
Satrang members started up a fund for the Pakistani man, and he
stayed with other members on a rotating basis until he was able
to live on his own. They also helped him find a job. Stories like
this make Chhugani emphasize the importance of having financial
independence.
Chantal agrees. “You need to be in a space in your head
and in your bank account so you can deal with what happens,”
she says.
Also, a gay or lesbian should have a group of
friends who can support him or her if that person’s parents
take drastic measures, like disowning the individual. It is important,
she says, that one plans for the worst to happen when coming out
to family members. “You never know, and you need to take care
of yourself,” Chantal says.
She adds that although someone may be comfortable
with his or her own sexual orientation, the person’s family
may need time to adjust. “I had all my life to prepare for
this, but they just had a few minutes,” she explains. “It
takes time to digest the situation.”
“Don’t delay it, don’t be scared of the shame,”
Priyanka says. She adds that it is better to come out “sooner
with a little shame” than later, when the consequences could
have doubled. In her case, she became a victim of domestic violence
and warns that others may face a similar fate.
When asked how she felt after her divorce, Priyanka replies, “Relieved,
ultimately relieved … like a big burden off my shoulders.”
Rohina Phadnis is a third-year journalism major
at the Philip Merrill College of Journalism at the University of
Maryland-College Park.
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