ABCDlady Magazine - for the American Born Confident Desi

From Confused to Confident

The Marrying Kind

While her mother is out looking for the perfect husband and her ex-boyfriend is busy moving on with his life, Vidya H. Kurella comes to grips with her own feelings about meeting the perfect person.

by Vidya H. Kurella

Vidya Standing with her Brother, Vishnu

It’s the Wednesday before Christmas. I’m in the kitchen making dinner and looking forward to a peaceful evening at home amidst all the holiday craziness. The phone rings. I check caller ID--it’s my mom.

"Hi Mom, how are you?"

"I’m fine Vidya. Did that boy call you yet? The one I told you about the other day."

"No, Mom, not yet, but in his e-mail he said he would call Wednesday or Thursday."

"Ok. He sounds nice, so I hope you like him. You know, you really need to think about your future."

"I know Mom. I’ll let you know when he calls."

Eager to get off the phone with my mom, I hurry through the obligatory questions about work and what I am eating for dinner. As my mom continues to go on talking about her day, my mind begins to wander…what am I going to say to this guy when he calls? How do you talk to a total stranger on the phone? What if he asks me about my caste? What if he’s really religious? Has he ever kissed a girl? Eventually, my mother finishes telling me about her day and hangs up.

Left with thoughts of the upcoming conversation, I turn on the TV and sit down to my dinner. The phone rings again. When I check caller ID, I don’t recognize the number, but the name rings a bell. It’s that guy that my parents want me to meet! Oh my god, he’s actually calling me. This is going to be torture, but I’m sure my mom will ask if I’ve talked to him, so I’d better pick up the phone. I take a deep breath and answer the phone.

“Hello.”

“Hello, may I speak to Vidya, please?”

“This is she.”

“Hi Vidya, my name is Vikram. I got your phone number from your mother.”

“Hi.”

“Do you have some time to talk?”

“Sure.”

“So, where do you work?”

Could this guy be any more boring? I’m sure he’s not for me--he can’t even hold interesting conversation. He probably doesn’t do anything other than work and has nothing else to talk about. I hope he hurries this up so I can catch West Wing. Wait a minute, what did he just say? After a bunch of mundane questions, he tells me that he’s a involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I can’t believe it! We actually have something in common. As we swap stories about our Littles, I can feel myself getting a little excited. Before I know it, the conversation has turned to his recent trip to Yugoslavia. Nothing gets me going like travel stories, so I start sharing with him about my recent trip to China.

Maybe this guy isn’t so bad.

At least he’s been somewhere other than the United States and India. He obviously likes to travel--even I haven’t been to Yugoslavia. It would be great to marry a guy who likes to travel. Then, he tells me that he loves to read. So, the conversation turns to books. This guy is involved in his community, travels and likes to read. I can’t believe how much we have in common.

Now, my thoughts begin to get away from me. I begin to wonder if I could marry this guy. He seems pretty decent, but who knows if we have any chemistry? What if he kisses me and I’m grossed out? I can’t really marry this guy, can I? Why am I even talking to him? Oh yeah, because I’m supposed to be thinking about my future…as a wife. I’m going to have to tell my mom about my conversation. Should I just tell her it was boring, so she leaves me alone?

I can’t believe my mom found someone like this. He must be ugly.

Before I know it, it’s eleven o’clock, and we say our goodbyes. He says he’ll call me again next week. Wow, I can’t believe I talked to this guy for two and half hours! Maybe meeting people through my parents isn’t so bad after all. He seems totally normal. Gosh, my parents would be so happy if I married this guy. I should really think about doing this. It’s too bad he lives a thousand miles away, because I would definitely meet him for a drink…but would I marry him?

Choices, choices, so many choices. Girl meets Boy. Boy likes Girl, Boy and Girl get married. Is it an arranged marriage or a love marriage? What’s the difference? Does there have to be a difference?

As I am entertaining my deep thoughts, the phone rings again. And again, I take a deep breath and answer the phone. This time, it isn’t my mom or a stranger calling me but an old lover--the one who got away.

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"Hi, how are you?"

"I’m fine, how are you?"

"I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow for the holidays. I was just talking to my friend in China, thought of you and wanted to catch up. What’s going on with you?"

"Not much really. Just trying to relax a bit before my guests for the holidays get here. I haven’t talked to you in a long time. How have you been?"

As he’s talking, I start thinking about the Christmas we spent together in South Africa. I was so in love then. Would I ever find that feeling again? Why does he still call me? Does he still have feelings for me? Is he ever going to get married? What’s his girlfriend doing right now? I think I still want to marry him. My parents would be so disappointed. He’s not Indian. He’s German and he’s a good man. Why can’t I fall in love with an Indian man? Why is he calling me?

I regain my focus when he starts asking me about my trip to China. For the second time that night I find myself recounting the events of my journey through China to an unexpected listener. The conversation then turns to work. He works for a company that sells books so he is always full of good recommendations. Then he says he’s thinking about getting a new job--something less corporate. I pause and then tell him that I’m thinking about getting a new job too. He asks if I want to get into the private sector. And when I respond in the negative, he says, “Money never was a driving factor for you.” He then asks if I’m thinking of moving back to New York (which is where he lives now). I say I don’t know, but of course, what I want to say is, “Do you want me to?”

Just as I feel a surge of hope in my heart, he launches into a story about some resort property that he’s thinking about buying with his girlfriend in Florida. Of course, all I hear is, “You’re not the one I want to be with.”

After nearly an hour of catching up, we exchange New Year’s greetings and hang up. Once again, I’m left with my thoughts. Three phone calls and four hours later, my dinner is cold, my favorite television shows are over and my bed is calling my name.

What should I do?

As I replay the evening’s phone conversations in my head, I realize that my exchanges with the two men weren’t really that different. With both men, I found myself talking about things I was interested in and enjoying the conversation. So, why do I feel the need to juxtapose the men my parents introduce me to and the ones who I meet on my own?

It's unfair, really, to dock one guy's points just because my parents introduced me to him, or to idolize another just because my parents weren't involved. And it's not just unfair to the guys--my choice of husband should be about me, about my feelings. It should be about my finding someone who I love, who I want to be with for the rest of my life. How I meet him doesn’t really matter.

After all that debate and doubt, I sat down to eat--dinner was cold.

Vidya H. Kurella is a 30 year old attorney and lives in Washington DC. She is willing to do anything, short of kissing a frog, to find her Prince Charming.