Parenting

Overcoming Shyness

By Rennu Dhillon DSc.

“I do not want my child to be shy like me.”

Parents express this sentiment all the time. But before we can talk about how to overcome shyness, we need to understand what shyness really is. Shyness is not a genetic disorder but more of a behavioral pattern that is acquired through the environment or situation surrounding a child.

Shyness is actually an anxiety and behavioral inhibition in social situations and is most often exhibited when kids are unfamiliar with the surroundings or people around them. There is a difference between a child who is shy and a child who just wants to be on his own. Shy children show a keen interest in observing other kids or people intently but withdraw when it is time to interact with them. Loner kids have no interest in things or people around them and just withdraw into themselves.

Shyness is a condition that can vary from mild to acute. Different settings and situations can contribute to greater or lesser feelings of shyness. It is important that--just as we strive for our children to receive the best education possible--we ensure that our children also learn and develop social skills such as self-confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness. If we do not make an effort to work on the so-called "shy-situation," we have to face more severe problems as the child grows older. Shy children tend to grow up being very self-critical and, at times, develop serious complexes.

Shyness is perceived as a problem that cannot be treated, and that is far from the truth. There are ways you can work with your child at home to overcome shyness and develop his or her personality and self-esteem.

- The best thing anyone can do for a shy child is to give him a lot of space and unconditional love.

- Don’t focus too much on labeling him as shy. Play up the child’s talents and good points, and let him know that it is okay to be quiet. Don’t make a child feel as though there is something horribly wrong with him just because he is shy.

- Show empathy to the child when he is feeling shy and give him real-life scenarios to learn from. You could use yourself as an example and tell your child about a situation when you were feeling shy. Explain how you overcame that shyness.

It is important to set realistic goals and rewards for your child when you are developing or training them. When you are potty training a child, for example, it is important to give him an incentive to do what you ask. Similarly, when you are want to encourage the child to learn a new trait, you need to set some achievable goals and rewards for them to make the process fun. There are many ways to encourage your child to become less shy:

- Be a model for your child--you cannot expect your child to overcome shyness and talk to people when you do not socialize yourself. Children tend to mirror their parents' behaviors.

- Prompt the child to speak and reward them when they make the effort with praise and encouragement.

- Drama classes are very helpful because they recreate real-life situations. Children essentially are given an opportunity to practice for the real world in a non-threatening environment.

- Encourage your child to talk about their favorite TV shows or toys in front of visiting family members. Begin with small groups first and then progress to having the child participate in shows and events.

Most importantly, remember that shyness is a common trait in households where one parent tends to be the over-domineering and the dominating type--take a look your home situation and make sure that you are not the one over-shadowing your child. Shyness is not a disability or a negative quality. A child perceives shyness as an asset or a handicap, depending partly on how the trait is handled at home.

While you can affect change in your child's social skills, remember that Rome was not built in a day. Work with your child step by step and you will see the results in time.