Feature

By Tina Soin Sharma

We Can't Help But Stare

Living in Tulsa, Oklahoma other South Asians are a rare site indeed. So, it wouldn’t sound strange to hear that when I happen upon a fellow South Asian at a store I can’t help but look. And I always notice that my fellow South Asian is staring back at me, too. This constant stare exchange has got me to thinking: Why do South Asians always stare at each other when they cross paths?

I grew up in a small Canadian town, total population 7,000, South Asian population 12. On summer trips to India I was always astonished at the number of South Asians out in the world. For me it was like an anthropological study of a curious little known “foreign” race. But then as a teenager I moved to Toronto, a bustling cosmopolitan city with its fair share of South Asians, and I saw members of the South Asian community on a daily basis. But I still found myself either staring or being stared almost every time I came across a South Asian I didn’t know.

Now, I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, a mid-sized U.S. city with a small population of South Asians. Now that I live in between my previous two extremes, I still find myself in the position of the starer (the one doing the staring) or the staree (the object of the staring). I have come to the conclusion that it can’t be one’s level of familiarity with the South Asian community that causes one to stare. It must be some innate biological drive or animal urge to connect with one’s cultural roots or some scientific mumbo-jumbo like that.

In my attempt to get to the bottom of this gazing phenomenon, I categorized the major staring combinations I have typically come across in the hopes of gaining a better understanding of what drives the urge to stare. This is not by any means meant to be a complete listing of all possible scenarios nor should my opinions be construed as a scientific explanation, but it merely serves as a sampling of reasons and possible reactions. These illustrations will be from the viewpoint of a female South Asian since that’s describes me and I’m guessing the majority of ABCDlady’s dear readers as well.

1) Staring at a South Asian of the Opposite Sex (Approximately the Same Age Range)

This is the trickiest and perhaps the most sociologically intriguing of the stare categories. First, let’s assume the starer is single (as marrieds should be content to stare into each other’s eyes all day long!). Now, imagine your glorious single self walking down the street and you happen to notice a South Asian man coming your way. Within ten seconds you’ve given him a quick glance up and down and made a laundry list of judgements about his eligibility. Is he cute? How old is he? Was there a ring on his finger? How’s the hair, clothes, shoes? But most importantly: Does he have marriage potential? Is there anyway to figure out if he’s a doctor, lawyer or engineer that my parents would take a shine to right away? Keep in mind you’ve given him only a quick glance (cause you don’t want him to catch you staring like a typical South Asian – you’re cooler than that!) but all these thoughts have entered your head in a split second. You notice he checks you out too but hasn’t tried as hard to hide it. Did you measure up to the same test? I can only imagine that this speedy and very preliminary mating dance occurs with such frequency because our parents have spent years hammering home the importance of finding a good South Asian mate (no matter how averse we are to the idea) and it has become so deeply ingrained in us that we can’t help but check out every potential mate that fits the bill.

2) Staring at a South Asian of the Same Sex (Approximately the Same Age Range)

So, you’re at the mall looking for a cute outfit for work (or play) and you look up from the chai latte you’re sipping to see a South Asian girl walking towards you. Once again, you glance surreptiously, but for a whole different set of reasons. It’s like looking in the mirror. Here’s a girl that’s likely had a similar upbringing as you and would be a good benchmark to compare yourself with. You quickly check out what she’s wearing, her hair and makeup, who she’s with (I can’t believe she has her arms wrapped around that guy in broad in daylight!). You notice that she checks you out too with a quick barely there glance. Comparing ourselves to other South Asian girls we see is probably the best barometer for us to judge what the norm is for our community. How bold can we be with our dress or our behavior? Since there is very little media coverage of the South Asian ABCD crowd on television or in the movies (who among us can really relate to the Bollywood seductress?), we really depend on each other to get a sense of those collective norms.

3) Getting Stared At by a South Asian “Aunty or Uncle”

You run into Wal-Mart to buy those ever important staples a girl just can’t do without (a cover stick, feminine hygiene products, and a bag of licorice). As you look up from the shelves of candy in front of you, you notice someone’s presence. You’re being given a long penetrating stare by a woman wearing a bright lavender sari and tennis shoes. She doesn’t even bother to look away when she realizes that you’ve caught her in mid-stare soaking up your image from head-to-toe. What must she be thinking you wonder as you stare back with a weak half-smile? Does she disapprove of me? My clothes? My hair? My less than demure attitude? Am I not South Asian enough for her? With that one stare a wave of uncertainty washes over you. You feel like that little girl who just wants her parents to be proud of her. But wait…maybe she thinks you would make a good wife for her son who’s just finishing up med school…

So, the next time you cross paths with another South Asian don’t deny your basic instinct. Go ahead and stare shamelessly and if you’re feeling especially daring you may want to add a wink!

Tina Soin Sharma is a manager in the Planning & Development Department of a media company. She is an Indo-Canadian transplant adjusting to life in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

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