Feature

By Sonia Moghe

Mothering Two Worlds

It’s a Texan summer afternoon and Jayashanti Jayarajagopal is cooking homemade idli (a rice-based vegetarian food) in her kitchen. Although she can make idli in a steel mold, she prefers a more traditional way that involves pouring four dollops of batter onto a cheese cloth. This method, she says, makes the idli fluffier and more appealing to her two young sons, Harish and Arvind, ages 11 and 9. She feeds her children idli and sambar (a sauce mixed with vegetables and spices that complements the dish), but also macaroni and cheese—symbolic of her life in America spent balancing South Asian and American cultures.

"We cannot suddenly change to American-style food," Jayarajagopal said. "I don’t want [just] the South Asian model of food because children—they want to taste different foods."

Jayarajagopal moved to Texas five years ago from Chennai, India, and now lives in a Richardson, Texas apartment complex filled with South Asian families.

Janaki Ramalingam joins Jayarajagopal this afternoon and the two chat in their native language, Tamil, about their first experiences in America.

"I was newly-married, so loneliness was the first thing [I encountered]," Ramalingam said. "At first I had no relatives, no friends, but once I made some friends [life was] very good."

During her first years in America, Jayarajagopal sat with her children while they watched cartoon shows on TV, such as Blues Clues, and the TV became her window into learning about America.

"I learned [from] TV a lot of things about culture and behavior," Jayarajagopal said.

But while television provided these mothers with an overview of American culture, it was a locally-based program called Everyday Language Made Simple (ELMS), that really helped them adjust to life in a new country.

Founded by Linda Medlen, an English as a Second Language (ESOL) teacher, the program involves the pairing of volunteer mothers and teachers with immigrant parents to explain American customs and holidays, as well as help with language adjustment. Medlen was inspired to start the program after seeing new mothers come to school with dictionaries in their hands, as well as bright students perplexed at the mention of holidays such as Valentine’s Day.

"We’ve just realized in the meetings this year that [the immigrant mothers] just don’t know what’s happening. When they have that language barrier, they don’t want to come [get involved in school] and feel awkward," says Medlen.

She added, "A mom is nothing but a tiger cub advocating for their child. If a parent has all the information they need, they can make a decision."

The ELMS program isn’t meant just for Indian mothers, it’s meant for any immigrant parent who lacks a cultural understanding of their child’s new environment, says Medlen. The Dallas-area program currently includes a large number of mothers from India, Vietnam and China. At this time, there are no South Asian parents (those who grew up here or have lived here for a long time) serving as volunteers in the program.

However, Medlen said that as the program expands, a more diverse array of people might start volunteering. Until then, she doesn't think any cultural conflicts will arise. The program, she said, is meant to educate, not change people.

"I don't think you can push American values--the way things are here--on anyone else's culture," she said.

But along with the program comes a difficulty for the mothers, who have to decide whether to use their households as a cultural preserve to keep their homeland's traditions alive, or to help their children acclimate.

Ramalingam said one of the first things she needed to learn was how to discipline the children, and the idea of "time-outs" that the children underwent in school were foreign to her.

"I never heard that name," she said. "Our Indian way of English is something entirely different. Whatever is the common idioms is what we don’t know."

In Jayarajagopal’s house, the TV not only teaches family members about American culture, but also South Asian culture.

"I put my [Tamil] channels on the TV so [my oldest son remembers the language]," Jayarajagopal said. "But the second [younger] one doesn’t speak.

My sons speak in English to each other."

The mothers use the language skills they acquire in the program to communicate with people outside of the family, but their homes are Tamil speaking zones.

"We speak only Tamil at home, they reply in English," Ramalingam said. "My son [Aswin] doesn’t speak, [but] until he was three or four he used to speak both languages. Everybody [around him at school] talks in English."

At first Ramalingam said she was upset about Aswin speaking more English than Tamil, but has now learned to cope.

"Sometimes we ask him, ‘Why don’t you speak [in Tamil]?’" Ramalingam said.

The mothers enrolled in the ELMS program work with American mothers to go over their children’s school calendars to learn about the activities the children do in school, including holidays.

Ramalingam said that her Bombay upbringing has made her tolerant and open to exploring other cultural events with religious backgrounds and even celebrates Christmas in some fashion.

"I kind of decorate the house with lights," Ramalingam said. "My children are growing up so my son wants a [Christmas] tree. For me, I was born and brought up in Bombay. I had friends from so many religions."

American cultural diffusion in India doesn’t bother Ramalingam, who remembers her college days when students would take part in Valentine’s Day festivities.

"They don’t know what it is, they just do it," she said. "It’s the culture."

Staying involved in her children’s lives is important to Ramalingam, and she feels that most of the South Asian parents she knows that are involved in the program do a good job of being there for their children while they learn to handle both cultures.

"I think we just adjust and live together with no complaining," she said. "I’m basically mixing both cultures."