From Confused to Confident

By Madhurima Chodha

Chivalry vs. Chauvinism

ABCD ladies often complain that chivalry is dead, asserting that most Desi men in this country are chauvinistic. Certainly, some of these men have a soft side like Genghis Khan, but perhaps South Asian women don’t recognize chivalry when they see it, mistaking common acts of courtesy for the chauvinism we’ve been trained to spot. Could it be possible that Desi men are just being nice – could they be getting too much flak?

South Asian women in this country are often raised to take on any task, whether it be a high-powered career or raising a family. Even if some families are rooted in their traditional ways, American society encourages an independent mindset among women, regardless of whether they are born and raised in this country or come here as immigrants. The combination of progressive thinking in many South Asian families and the values of American society have created a new breed of educated and independent women who have adopted a feminist mindset – one that might be thwarting Desi males’ attempt at chivalry.

In the quest for gender equality, it is possible that the lines between a man’s chivalrous and chauvinistic actions have become blurry. Women may not be able to decipher whether the actions are motivated by ego or simple courtesy.

My parents and I have been going to the same South Asian video rental store for years, and over that time, the store owners have become close to my family. But, just like in family, as much as we may try to live in harmony, conflict is bound to arise. And in this case, chivalry was threatened one day when a courteous action on the part of the store owner was perceived by my mother as classic Indian chauvinism.

The store’s video rental policy requires a customer to pay $20 up front, and with each rental, deducts $2 from the account. Every time the account would run out of money, the man behind the counter would say, “Bhabhiji, why are you paying? I will get it later on from Bhaiya [your husband]. Don’t worry!” And with a smile, he would wave her away.

This continued for years until one day my mother’s feminist side decided to emerge out of the blue. She retorted, “Why, ji? Is Bhaiya’s money greener than mine?” So we left the store – me red-faced and my mother blissfully content. I told my mother later that the man was just trying to make her life easier.

If a woman’s upbringing has always emphasized equality and feminism, it may be tricky to spot the distinction between a well-meaning gesture and an act rife with chauvinism. But chivalry is bound to die if women automatically assume that a man’s courteous behavior is vulgar or has ulterior motives.

Take Shikha Sarin, an alumnus of Pace University in New York, who decided to treat her family of 13 to lunch in Manhattan after her commencement ceremony. Although lunch for that many in the city could cost several hundred dollars, a hefty price for a recent graduate, she wanted to show her appreciation for her family by paying for the meal.

Unfortunately, the lunch did not go exactly as planned, Sarin said. Her uncle rebuffed the effort, while Sarin argued that a male in her situation would have been allowed to pay for the costly meal.

“I wanted to pay for lunch for us once. And [my uncle] was like no way, ‘I’m not taking the money’ and made a big deal about giving me the money back,” she said. “I was like, you send us to school, want us to get an education so that we can one day take care of our elders, right? But now I’ve graduated. I have a job and I want to do something for you. And you won’t accept it? What if I was [my brother] Rohan, would you take it then?”

So was her uncle’s intention in refusing to accept her money an act of chivalry or chauvinism? Was he trying to be courteous and loving by not allowing his niece to spend a significant amount of her hard-earned money on a family meal?

Perhaps he thought she could make better use of that money on something for herself, or believed that there is no reason for “children” to struggle to foot the bill when the elders could easily afford to pay. On the other hand, his actions could imply that a female is not supposed to provide for the family.

According to Rahul Singh, a 21-year-old South Asian male with the U.S. Marine Corps, both situations with the video vendor and the uncle were chivalrous.

“We just want our women to be comfortable,” Singh said. “In India the man is called the annadatta, which translated literally means ‘provider of food’ or ‘head of the family.’ It’s something that doesn’t really change.”

But that insistence that Desi men have to take care of women is often met with frustration, Sarin said. “I think that’s a common thing women experience, where guys always insist on paying.”

“In my eyes, I don’t like to feel indebted to any guy, because in reality, if you accept a drink from a guy, say at a party, you know there are strings attached.”

But honestly, is it that Desi guys have ulterior motives, or is it us ladies that have too many preconceived notions? Perhaps the best way to maintain our independent spirit, and still give men a fair shake is to look at each man and situation individually, with no bias. You just may find that chivalry has, in fact, been resurrected by our very own Desi men.

Or just heed Singh’s advice: “Give us Desi guys a break!”

Madhurima Chodha doesn’t object to having the door opened for her and men paying for her meal.

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