| 4) Your best friend knows
you like a particular guy and does everything she can to set you two
up-- even going against your wishes to tell him you like him. Boundary
violation or not?
If you answered 1) maybe, 2) no, 3) yes, and 4) yes, you know what
constitutes a healthy boundary. If you weren’t totally sure,
or thought there were gray areas, you’re not the only one. Most
of us are confused about boundaries--what they are, why we need them--and
don’t know how to set boundaries without feeling harsh, mean,
or critical.
South Asian women in particular seem to have a difficult
time setting boundaries. Perhaps it’s because we’ve been
socialized to be polite at all costs, or are accustomed to personal
information being traded freely throughout our immediate and extended
families. We grew up seeing our decisions through the lenses of parents,
cultures, families, friends, and, to some degree, our own personal
and moral compasses. It can be baffling to try and figure out what
an appropriate boundary is, and where (or how) to set it.
So what’s a “boundary issue” anyway?
One simple way to explain a boundary is like this: a standard is
a rule you have for how you treat yourself while a boundary is a rule
you have for how other people should treat you. Unfortunately, most
people don’t magically know how you want to be treated, so you
may have to set boundaries to show them. It would be nice if all of
our loved ones automatically knew how to treat us, but this is rarely
the case.
More common, however, is the situation in which we
must shape our relationships to better fit within our boundaries.
And to shape our relationships, we have to be able to identify when
a boundary is needed, and then be able to set an appropriate one at
the right time.
Wait. Do I really need a boundary?
A good rule of thumb when determining if you need
to set a boundary is to check in with your feelings. If a conversation
or interaction has left you feeling angry, upset, or sad, and you
think, “Wow, that was uncalled for,” your boundaries have
probably been violated. You have to use your feelings as a gauge to
determine when a boundary violation has occurred because boundaries
are personal and individual. What bothers one person greatly might
not bother another at all. Remember, though, that feeling bad does
not always indicate a boundary violation. Perhaps you said something
you feel guilty about, or have had a difficult dialogue about changes
that need to occur. The difference with a boundary violation is that
the jab seems to go one way, and you’re left feeling angry,
wounded, and maybe surprised, thinking “I can’t believe
she/he just said or did that!”
Another way to know if a boundary is needed is if
you feel criticized or attacked in conversations about a certain issue.
One of my friends, Aparna*, was always criticized about her weight.
Aparna struggled with this issue for many years—and her struggle
was worsened by her parents’ constant comments about how she
would look so much better if she “just lost a little weight”.
Aparna felt rejected, diminished, and ridiculed by this criticism,
and, as a result, she felt hopeless about making any changes. Change
is difficult to accomplish on your own, and criticism makes any goal
much more difficult to attain.
Setting healthy boundaries presupposes that there
is an optimal amount of personal space between you and another person.
In this space, there are choices that you make about who you are,
how you live, how you look and so on. You need to be able to place
a “safe zone” around your choices and comments from others.
This safe zone or “fence” defines the boundary you set.
Some people set boundaries too far out from their bodies, which prevents
them from getting close to people. Others set boundaries too close
to their bodies—so close, in fact, that they have little or
no room to move. The ideal boundary is one that is placed somewhere
between too close and too far—that elusive space of “just
right”.
When you have good boundaries, you feel clear about
your personal choices, have a level of conviction about them, and
are able to uphold your beliefs or choices even when criticized. When
your boundaries are too loose, you feel like your clarity comes and
goes, and you have trouble making up your mind and sticking with your
decisions. Loose boundaries can leave you feeling overwhelmed and
exhausted much of the time because your mind constantly changes depending
on whom you just spoke to.
Tell me. How do I set one of these boundaries?
Boundaries take time to develop and must be constantly
protected. When learning to set boundaries, it’s best to start
with the least threatening situations first. It might be easier, perhaps,
to set a boundary with an acquaintance rather than a long time friend.
Similarly, it might be easier to set a boundary with a long-time friend
than with your parents. It’s also easier to set boundaries around
“smaller” issues first, like speaking up if you don’t
want to see a particular movie or go to a particular club. It’s
easier to start with these kinds of boundaries, first, rather than
going directly to tackle boundary issues around dating, marriage,
career changes, weight gain and premarital sex.
To set boundaries appropriately, try this three-step
method when dealing with people:
1) Use X,Y feeling statements: “When you do
X, I feel Y.”
2) Make your request: “Instead, I’d
like you to start (or stop) doing X.”
3) Give a consequence: “Or we will end this
conversation here.”
So, using the first example from the quiz you took
earlier, say “1) Honey, when you decided to cancel your plans
to baby-sit without letting me know, that upset me. 2) In the future,
I’d like you to call me first so we can talk about this together.
3) I was really looking forward to having some time to myself and
was disappointed that it didn’t happen. I would like if that
didn’t happen again.”
As you can see, this statement contains the feeling
statement, the request and the consequence. This format works well
for any kind of boundary setting whether it is at work, at home, or
with your friends or family. The main thing to remember, though, is
that boundaries need to be created and maintained. If your mother
has become accustomed to criticizing your looks or unmarried status,
you will probably have to set a boundary around this several times
before it sets in.
Ultimately though, constant application of this format
and following through on stated consequences will teach others how
to treat you with courtesy and respect, thus improving all your relationships.
But I tried and it’s not working!
If someone doesn’t respond to your boundary setting, you then
have two choices. The first is to keep trying, which I’d only
recommend if this isn’t too upsetting or stressful to do. Sometimes
we need to set boundaries over and over and over before they really
stick. If you really care for someone who is not responding well to
your boundary setting, you can keep setting the boundary, and open
up a dialogue with this person about what’s really going on.
Let’s say that your roommate continues to enter your room without
knocking and invades your privacy. If you keep setting the boundary
and it’s not being honored, then it’s time to sit down
with them and say, “I’ve asked you repeatedly to knock
before you enter my room. You continue not to do this. What makes
it difficult for you to honor my request, especially when I’ve
already told you what I’d prefer?” This should, in most
cases, open up a useful conversation about why your boundary isn’t
being honored.
Your other choice in this situation is to change, limit, or end the
relationship. This is the best course of action if you find yourself
continually upset or unhappy with your interactions with another person.
Ending a relationship may be a drastic measure, but it is sometimes
necessary, especially when relationships give you more pain than pleasure.
While it might feel painful to set boundaries, it’s often much
less painful than the alternative.
Remember, once again, that setting boundaries requires practice and
patience. No one is good at it right away, and boundaries do take
time to take effect. By consciously setting your boundaries and communicating
about your needs, you will pave the way for healthier and more satisfying
relationships. And who wouldn’t want that?
*Names have been changed to protect the boundary-challenged
|
