QUESTION
I had been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend
for four years. We were very much in love, and had practically planned
out the rest of our lives together. We just had a stressful break
up, and although I think it may be for the best, I don’t know
how to deal with the situation. After so much time has passed, you
kind of get used to a person, and naturally cannot imagine life
without them. I feel as though I’m alone now, and I can’t
stop thinking about him. Literally, everything reminds me of him
and our relationship. At this point we are no longer on speaking
terms, so I cannot discuss matters with him. I really want to move
on and not be so depressed all the time. What should I do?
ANSWER
It sounds cliché (heck, it is a cliché)
but time heals all wounds. You’re right – you spent
four special years with this guy. And, you thought enough of him
to have planned to marry him. I’m sure you even had your kids’
names picked out! Of course, you can’t just forget about him.
I don’t know what the circumstances leading to your breakup
were. But, you seem pretty convinced that you parted ways for the
right reasons. Though that should be comforting in itself, it surely
doesn’t replace your best friend. Look at it as a blessing
that you’re not currently speaking. If you could just pick
up the phone and call him, you’d never be able to heal. Take
the time to be sad and mourn. It’s OK. You’ve gone through
a painful, life changing event. I’d be worried if you weren’t
upset. Try to spend time with your family and other friends. Work
out. Take up a hobby. Do things that keep your mind off of him.
Over time, you’ll find yourself thinking of him less and less
each day. Eventually, those memories that bring tears to your eyes
will one day bring a smile to your face. You’ll be able to
appreciate what you had together as an important part of your past.
If you truly feel depressed and have other symptoms such as a decreased
appetite, no desire to do things you normally do, sleeplessness,
or thoughts of hurting yourself or others, then you need to seek
help. Contact a psychiatrist for further evaluation. You may benefit
from psychotherapy or medication.
Otherwise, take it one day at a time. All you have to accomplish
in one day is to get through it. Take care.
QUESTION
Hi, I'm a 20 year old female. My ex-boyfriend
and I had sex a couple years ago, and I lost my virginity. Things
have gotten very serious with my current boyfriend, but he still
thinks that I'm a virgin. How do I tell him that I'm not? Or can
I just play it off? And how can you tell if a guy is still a virgin
or not?
ANSWER
I have to wonder why your current boyfriend thinks
you are a virgin. If you’re that serious about each other,
it must have come up at some time or another. Was there something
that you said or did that made him think otherwise? And your last
question – about how to tell whether a guy is a virgin or
not – leads me to believe you’re not so sure about his
status.
It’s obvious that both of you don’t take sex casually.
You’ve clearly waited until you’re “serious”
to make the move. You two should be honest with one another. What
if your partner is a virgin? Well, then it’s a big deal (and
a very exciting one) for him to be losing his virginity. I think
you need to be aware of what an important milestone this is in his
life. Similarly, you don’t want him to go into this thinking
he is the one that de-flowered you. Sit down together and talk about
it. Hopefully, you’ll find that he’s accepting of your
past. Just remember that he’s human. A little jealousy shouldn’t
put you off … so long as he can get over it.
The hymen is a thin tissue that covers the vaginal opening. Most
often there is a ring-like opening in the middle to allow for passage
of secretions and menses. The popular belief is that a woman who
is a virgin will bleed from an intact hymen the first time she has
intercourse. The reality, however, is that some women will have
already stretched their hymen from exercise, tampon use, douching,
or at the time of a pelvic exam. Even a woman who is not a virgin
may bleed with sex for multiple reasons including traumatic intercourse
and infection. Unfortunately, some societies place such emphasis
on virginity, that a woman may be forced to undergo surgery to reconstruct
her hymen, or even worse, lose her life for losing her virginity.
I would hope your partner is not so hung up on your being a virgin
that he’s going to be examining your hymen under a magnifying
glass or inspecting your sheets for blood after sex.
There’s no magic way to tell if a guy is a virgin. The only
secret to it is to have a guy who is honest with you. You’ll
find guys who’ve been around the block a time or two and can
barely romance a stone. On the flip side, there are guys who are
sexually inexperienced but are naturally in tune to what a woman
needs. Let’s hope you’ve got one of the latter!
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