| It is important to understand
and respect each other’s differences. Any couple no matter how
compatible will have some differences in how they perceive things
and what matters to them. There is no right or wrong when it comes
to individual differences. Try to understand the situation from your
spouse’s perspective. Maybe what bothers him has nothing to
do with what really matters to you and you can find a way around it
that pleases you both.
Be aware of how you communicate to each other when upset. Words
of appreciation, support and love matter a lot. On the other hand,
hurtful words spoken in anger linger in their effect as well. Remain
focused on the issue at hand. Bringing up unrelated past incidents
does not help resolve the issue. Avoid acting out on your anger. Keep
whatever conflict you are having in perspective. Remember that the
relationship is probably more important than the issue at hand.
Be aware as well of differences in style of communication.
Is one of you quick to get angry, but also quick to apologize and
make-up, while the other is sensitive, easily hurt and likely to hold
a grudge? You may need to keep these differences in mind or modify
your style a bit to work better with your spouse’s style.
Try to understand the root causes of your conflicts. Do your conflicts
always erupt around the same issues? Are you stressed as a family
because you are both working too hard, taking care of young children
or have financial concerns or pressures from extended family? Are
you working towards the same goals? Have you discussed your dreams
and financial goals with each other? Do you agree on what is important
to focus on right now? Are you supporting each other’s aspirations?
Are you comparing yourself to friends and feeling like you have to
keep up? Are you unhappy or insecure and expecting your spouse to
magically make it all better?
Remember that you have to discuss these issues with each other to
find a path that suits you as a couple. What works for someone else
may not work for you. If you suspect you might be unhappy, remember
that no spouse can fill a hole of emotional emptiness no matter who
they are. Don’t “live through” someone else. Fulfill
your own dreams and expect your spouse to do what inspires him. Get
help for yourself or as a couple if you need it.
Hopefully, after looking at all these issues you have realized that
you have a loving spouse and a basically healthy, respectful relationship
where individual goals are close enough that you can bridge the void
in exchange for a life that is shared. And hopefully with love, respect
and understanding you can support each other while building that fulfilling
life together.
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