| The rules of the road
sound simple enough. Stay in your lane, signal before changing lanes.
Have an accident? Rethink your driving skills. It’s simple,
right? Then why do so many women find themselves repeating the same
patterns over and over? Here are some reasons why:
1) Fear of being alone. People go
to great lengths to avoid being alone. These include hanging out with
people they can’t stand. How many times to do you hear people
complain about a particular friend, only to find them making plans
with them for the weekend? Some people worry that they will never
meet anyone worth dating again or that someone better may never come
along. My patient, Neena* worried about finding a partner so much
that she told me her "biological clock" was ticking so loud
that people in other countries were filing noise complaints.
2) Even bad relationships fulfill certain
needs. Companionship, approval, affection and sex can be
very powerful attractors. A 28-year old patient, Raj*, insisted that
he was ready to "settle down" and that he was looking for
the right woman, if he could get rid of the wrong one. He told me
he was ready to break-up with his "crazy jealous psycho-girlfriend"
of four months. When I asked why he couldn’t, he said, "Well,
the sex is good… And she bakes great cookies." Even a bad
relationship has its moments.
3) Memories of good times can be powerful.
The memories of good sex and cookies can make it difficult to break
up. A relationship, however, needs much more than a memory to survive.
These bad relationships are similar to the glitz and glamour of gambling,
where occasionally there is a great return, at times no return, and
often great loss. You could hit the jackpot after the first time,
or the 50th, because you don’t know how many it will take to
get lucky—so you just keep going. Similarly, in a bad relationship
you keep hoping that this will be the time you "hit the relationship
jackpot" with your partner. If it was all bad, you probably would’ve
(hopefully) left a long time ago.
4) Pressure from society demands couple-hood.
Simply turn on the television and you will be inundated by images
of youthful, fit, and happy-looking couples. More importantly, your
aunties might start asking your mother why you haven’t settled
down yet. Dealing with pictures of couples is one thing. Dealing with
a hoard of middle-aged South Asian women who are trying to find you
a mate is another thing.
So you know it’s time to break-up—now
what?
First, it’s important to remember that cutting
ties with someone you once deeply cared for is never easy and can
feel like the emotional equivalent of losing a limb. However, if the
relationship is doomed now and is beyond reparable damage, it may
be time to sever that limb.
1) Think clearly. Ask yourself
an important question: How have I handled other important decisions
in my life? What steps did I use? Did I ask for help? What was the
outcome? Was I being overly rational or overly emotional? Often, fear
and anxiety clouds our better judgment. Ask yourself what you fear.
Am I afraid to be alone? Do I fear that I will never meet anyone else,
that I’m getting old, that everyone else around me is in a relationship,
engaged or married and that I will die an old maid? Although these
thoughts are natural, they may have nothing to do with your present
partner. To know someone else, you should know yourself, first. Plus,
a little soul-searching never hurts.
2) Communicate effectively. Once
you have made the decision, it is time to act on it. Whether it is
you or your partner that has initiated the break-up, discuss the situation.
"Discussion" doesn’t mean "let’s get together
and talk about our break-up over a nice dinner." It means meeting
somewhere neutral, preferably in the day time. Have plans to meet
a friend afterwards to resist the temptation of going home together.
Be brief, be polite. Agree to disagree.
3) Stay strong. Many people believe
that they may be able to remain "friends" with their ex
immediately after a break-up. Unless yours was the most amicable separation
in history, you might want to avoid this situation altogether. You
may be friends but again, timing is key. What do you do in the meantime?
Well, get on with your life. It’s time for a little distraction.
Get out of the house and find a hobby. The idea is that your time
should be occupied. Take up that knitting class you always wanted
to take or book your trip to Europe. You will feel better sometime,
but until then, keep busy!
4) Get help. In any crisis we tend
to turn to those whom we trust. It doesn’t hurt to return home
for your mom’s chapattis. A little extra love from friends and
family will go a long way. Furthermore, seeking professional help
is always a good idea if you feel like things are overwhelming. It
is not uncommon for people to feel depressed, but some turn to drugs
or alcohol. You can call 1-800-LIFE-NET, a 24-hour referral hotline,
for help. They will ask you some basic demographic info—a first
name, your zip, your age. Then they'll provide you with a listing
of clinics and/or private therapists.
5) Be kind to yourself. Accept
that some days will be better than others. But remember, acceptance
does not mean submission. It does not mean inaction. It is not an
excuse to eat 10 pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie
ice cream in one sitting. It simply means understanding that pain
and pleasure are both scoops of the same pint.
*Names changed to protect the co-dependent
|
Sudeepta Varma, M.D. is a licensed physician,
currently specializing in psychiatry in NY. When the white coat is
off, you might catch her on screen with appearances including the
movie ‘American Chai’, as well as on MTV, E! Networks,
Asia TV and most recently in an off-Broadway play. Somewhere during
first year anatomy class, she realized that her appetite for the arts,
that began early on, had to be nourished. Hence, she continues on
her creative journey as a teacher, actress, writer, folk dancer and
world traveler. Five continents down, two more to go!
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