ABCDlady Magazine - for the American Born Confident Desi

Parenting

By Dr. Rachna Jain, Psy.D.

A Little Frustration can be a Good Thing

As a parent, it is natural to want to see your children happy, healthy, and smiling. After all, you want them to have the very best kind of life, and you will do everything you can to make sure this happens. It is so important to you, in fact, that you are willing to sacrifice your plans, adjust your schedule, and revolve your life around your darling toddler. Sound familiar?

Sometimes, too, you might find yourself bending the rules and saying, “Okay, you can have one more cookie before dinner” or “You don’t have to take a bath right now if you don’t want to.”

Occasionally, bending the rules can be good because it creates a greater range of flexibility and spontaneity in child-rearing. While it is fine at times, what about doing it frequently?

Manisha*, mother of two-year-old Anish relates: “It’s hard for me to say no to Anish. I am away from him all day while I work, and at night I just don’t have the energy to keep saying no to his demands. Also, Anish throws fits when I try to put limits on him.”

Photo by Rodrigo Torres

Manisha is not alone in her situation. First-time parents, especially, seem to have difficulty saying "no." They are more likely to give into their children's every wish, large or small. Later on, though, they often wonder why their once-darling-toddlers have become child tyrants—demanding, ill-mannered and poorly behaved.

Parents misguidedly believe that saying “yes” to their children is the best way to be a loving parent. This is not true. While saying “no” is more difficult, it is vitally important because doing so fosters a crucial stage of your child’s normal, healthy development.

In order to raise your child as a healthy, well-adjusted and productive member of society, you must teach him or her to tolerate the frustration which arises when someone says “no.” The most successful people in life are often those who best tolerate frustration.

Being able to tolerate frustration means that your child can continue to function and interact with others even when he or she is not getting exactly what he or she wants. Being able to tolerate frustration is a crucial developmental task and vital life skill that every child must acquire. Children learn best to tolerate frustration when they are taught to do so by their parents. Overly permissive parents may be setting their children up for a lifetime of interpersonal difficulties. This occurs because parental relationships set the foundation for all future relationships. When parents give in too much, children grow up and continually look at relationships in a one-sided way, believing “others are here to give me what I want.” This can create a great deal of havoc when your child is 25 and cannot sustain a relationship with another adult. Every kind of loving relationship involves some compromise; nobody always gets what they want in every interaction.

If you never say “no,” your child may never learn to adequately deal with frustration. If your child never learns to deal with frustration, he or she is more likely to have poor relationships, lowered self-confidence, and the tendency to give up quickly when circumstances become difficult. Challenges are a part of life. Wouldn’t you want your child to learn how to rise to meet a challenge, rather than hide from it?

As a parent, you must take a long-term view and do your best to balance between “yes” and “no.” When you have said “no,” how well do you stick to your decision? What about when your child fusses, cries, throws a temper tantrum, or says, “I hate you”? If you find yourself giving in during these moments, it is likely that you could use some support.

If your child is upset about one of your decisions, one of the best actions you can take is to validate the child’s feelings without going back on your original decision. An example of validation would be, “I know you feel upset. We all feel upset when we want something and someone says no. It’s okay to be upset.” An example of going back on your decision would be, “I know you’re upset. You can go ahead and have another cookie. I’m sorry I upset you.” Recanting your decision also includes offering a reward or something equally desirable to “make up” for upsetting them. An example is saying, “I know you feel upset. How about you stop crying and you can have a friend stay over tonight?” While this bribe may stop your child’s tears, it also sends the message that your original decision was wrong and needs to be made up for.

Being clear on how and why you are parenting the way you are and being able to cultivate a longer term view of your child’s development are crucial. Understand that children are very malleable. Their actions are guided by pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain. If your child is not as well-behaved as you would like, consider whether you are being too permissive and are trying to overprotect them from experiencing normal cycles of frustration and gratification. As a parent, you might believe that boundaries and limits are not that necessary; however, children actually need boundaries and limits to feel safe. Children truly need their parents to say “no” and adhere to their decisions.

Have you already been giving in to your child too much? Here’s how to make a change:

1) Start small with just one issue. When you realize that your child needs to be retrained, you might be tempted to try and change everything at once. Don’t. Doing so will only make your child feel unhappy and insecure. Instead, select one area to work on and focus your efforts there. Stay with this issue for one to two weeks. It should not take much longer than this because children learn very quickly. After focusing on one issue, move to another, and so on.

2) Use positive feedback to facilitate change. Compliment or praise your child each time he or she exhibits the behavior you desire. Each time your daughter puts away her toys, notice and appreciate her for this. Each time your son goes to bed without too much fuss, compliment him for it. Children model their behaviors based on parental approval.

3) Remember who is in charge. Parents sometimes feel they must explain their choices to their children. However, as a parent, you have the responsibility to make choices that will best serve your child whether or not he or she understands or agrees.

4) Recognize that behavior might get worse before it gets better. Anytime there is a change in parenting style, your child’s behavior might get worse before it gets better. When you are trying to teach your child how to tolerate frustration, expect that his or her protests will initially be louder, angrier, and more demanding. However, your child’s misbehavior will subside over time.

5) Be consistent and patient. You know how difficult it can be for adults to change their behavior, right? While children may be quicker to change at first, they need consistent support and guidance to maintain the desired changes. Be patient with yourself as you change your parenting style, while striving to be consistent with your child about new rules and expectations.

Two of the biggest gifts you can give your child are the belief in his or her own resilience and a sense of his or her own capacity to overcome obstacles. These are more likely to be accomplished when you parent consistently and understand that sometimes a little frustration can be a very good thing.

*Name changed to protect the permissive.

Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington, DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.