Parenting

By Ranu Boppana, MD

How do you Handle Teaching your Child Religious Beliefs
if your Spouse is of a Different Faith?

These days many couples are blending different traditions, whether they are different religions, cultures or even different practices of the same religion. In some families the differences are obvious and in others the diversity lies beneath the surface. Those families that blend traditions successfully do so with a spirit of tolerance and a healthy respect for differences.

You must start by discussing religious issues with your spouse. Decide what values and practices are important for you to embrace as a family. Sometimes couples do not really consider how they will raise their children when they marry someone from a different background. It’s always a good idea to discuss these issues beforehand! However, sometimes even if couples have discussed their values and religious beliefs in the early stages of the relationship, they may feel differently after they have children.

Becoming a parent is a developmental milestone that can itself trigger changes in one’s outlook. An individual who previously was quite progressive can suddenly become very traditional. The act of marrying outside your group can bring about a longing for

traditional customs of child-rearing. Sometimes, it is the desire to give the children a sense of belonging or religious or cultural identity that triggers a more traditional attitude. If you find yourself or your spouse going through such a phase, sort out your feelings and discuss an approach you would both be comfortable with. It is not always necessary for the two of you to have the same perspective as long as you can value each other’s differences and come to a meaningful compromise.

Start with deciding how you will handle the holidays. Do you want to emphasize the cultural aspects or the religious elements of a particular holiday? On one hand, holidays and religious rituals affirm a sense of belonging to a historical tradition and are an anchor of family life. Religious instruction provides an opportunity to enhance the moral guidance you provide your children and rituals are sources of comfort in periods of transition and stress. On the other hand, religious practices may be rooted in out-dated beliefs and seem irrelevant to the times. They may also not be inclusive of other religions.

Consider how compatible your extended families’ practices are with your own. If you find the practices and traditions of your families’ are fairly close to your own beliefs and inclusive enough to accommodate both sides of the family, you will have little conflict in combining both traditions. If, on the other hand, you find big gaps, you’ll have to work harder to create new family traditions. Perhaps you both feel more comfortable with one tradition over another. Perhaps you’ll combine the practices of both traditions in your own way. Maybe you’ll participate in everything. Or you may want to choose the traditions from one or the other that you and your family relate to.

If you have a fairly traditional family, you’ll want to communicate your values and standards clearly and participate in more religious activities. If you’re more progressive in your parenting style, you may be more comfortable with ambiguity and want to emphasize the cultural rather than the religious. Perhaps you’ll decide to teach altruism, cooperation and empathy in other nonreligious ways. Strict religious instruction does not necessarily result in moral children. Thus, there isn’t one style that is superior to another.

Children can be engaged in conversation about different kinds of beliefs and traditions. They can understand that people have different ways of expressing the same values or marking the same milestones because of different beliefs. You may want to encourage them to think about their own beliefs and values. In fact, the more perspectives your children are exposed to, the better they will be able to relate to people different from themselves and navigate their way in a world that is increasingly diverse and interconnected.

Also, you might want to seek out friends who are raising their own children with a mixture of cultures and religions to give yourself and your children some support in this adventure! Though it may seem to you that you are the only family struggling with these issues, take a closer look around you. You probably already have friends who are grappling with similar decisions. You may have assumed your friends are married to people from the same religious or cultural background when in fact they are not. Religious and cultural diversity within families is not always so apparent. These issues are often not visible until they are talked about. Remember that while traditions give children a sense of their history and family, in the end the details are less important than the spirit with which you approach it. If you need further help sorting out these issues, don’t be afraid to seek help from a religious official, religious counselor or therapist. By forcing yourself to think about how to blend traditions, you are also being mindful of how your family’s religious life can impact your child’s sense of self in a positive way.

Ranu Boppana, MD is an Adult and Child Psychiatrist in private practice in New York, NY and a Clinical Instructor at the NYU School of Medicine.

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