Parenting

By Ranu Boppana, MD

Talking with your Child about Sex

Talking with kids about difficult subjects, such as sex, sexual abuse and keeping themselves safe from predatory strangers, can be difficult for those of us whose parents did not discuss these things openly. The danger of not discussing these issues with your child is that he or she may get misinformation from their peers or the popular media, and could be unprepared to make safe decisions.

Keep in mind that it’s not effective to have this conversation out of the blue. You’ll need to cultivate an open dialogue with your child about many personal topics such as their bodies, sex and peer pressure from an early age. Also remember not to react with shame or anger. Doing so will cause them to never be open with you again! Try to keep a calm demeanor and be thankful that your child came to you with questions or for help with sorting out the problem.

Keep your eyes and ears open for teachable moments to talk to your kids about these topics. Children are prone to ask you about the most difficult topics when you least expect it, such as while you are driving or just as they are about to go to bed. Having several brief discussions with opportunities for them to ask their questions is far better than one “talk.” If your child asks questions on his or her own, you’ll have a good idea what he or she is wondering about. If your child doesn’t, you’ll need to initiate the conversation yourself.

Kids as young as three or four should learn about their bodies and should know anatomically correct terms such as “penis” and “vagina”. Around five, they may have questions about where babies come from and can be told that daddy’s seed and mommy’s seed combines to form a baby that grows in mommy’s tummy or “uterus” for nine months until it is ready to be born. Around ages eight to ten, they may ask how daddy’s seed gets inside mommy; this is a good time to talk about sex. Around that time is also a good time to talk about puberty and how their bodies will change in the process of growing up and becoming adults. When they become pre-teens and teens, you can talk to your kids about the emotional aspects of sexual relationships such as how to deal with insecurity, how to know if someone is trustworthy and genuine, and how to resist peer pressure. This is also a good time to talk with your child about values that are important to you, as well as the consequences and responsibilities that come with sexual activity.

When discussing these topics with my daughter, I found that reading books about these topics meant for children was helpful. A section of my local bookstore devoted to children’s health and development was a great place to start. For girls, there are several books in the American Girl series that turned out to be good starting points for discussion. Reading these books to my daughter each evening created a special time for us to talk about these subjects and laid the groundwork for follow-up discussions.

As my daughter became a pre-teen, I noticed she was reading books with more mature topics. Since she was now too old to be read to and I was curious to know what she was reading, I asked her for recommendations on books she enjoyed that I should read. Not only did the books turn out to be enjoyable reading, but it gave us an opportunity to discuss the conflicts in the book and the sophisticated topics they brought up. Watching movies together and discussing them also provides such opportunities.

Similarly, you can talk to your child about sexual abuse and safety. It’s important for kids to know that bad people exist and that terrible things do happen, but to avoid scaring them needlessly, teach them about good judgment and not fear. Children should know that they have a right to control their own bodies and that no one can touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Teach young children that no one should touch them in an area usually covered by a bathing suit and that they should tell you if anyone does. Also let them know that adults don’t ask children for help or directions, they should never get in a stranger’s car, and never accept money or candy from anyone they don’t know. Let them know it’s okay to be rude in such a situation and they should just run away. In our neighborhood, several stores are marked as “Safe Havens” where children can go if they need help. “Safe Havens” are businesses that have been screened and selected by the police department and are instructed on how to help a child who is fearful for any reason. Point these places out to your child if they will be traveling alone.

Sometimes parents avoid talking to their kids about these topics because they are uncomfortable about it themselves. The tone and attitude with which you talk to your kids about these topics are actually more important than what you say. If you are uncomfortable, prepare yourself when your kids are still young so that you don’t wait too long in addressing these topics. There are several books and websites devoted to helping parents talk to their kids about sex, such as www.talkingwithkids.org, www.plannedparenthood.org and www.puberty101.com. Also the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s website, www.aacap.org, has resources on many topics including this one. In the end, knowing that you have given your children the knowledge and skills to keep themselves safe and make good judgments will help you feel less anxious as they grow up and go out into the world.

Ranu Boppana, MD is an Adult and Child Psychiatrist in private practice in New York, NY and a Clinical Instructor at the NYU School of Medicine.

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