Health and Wellness

By Dr. Rachna Jain, Psy.D.

How to Stop Having Problems in Your Life

If you have ever read self-development or personal growth materials, you may have often come across the idea of a “problem free” life. A “problem free” life may seem like a fantasy. After all, don’t we all have problems that just need to be dealt with?

I used to think so. However, as time goes on, I believe this to be less and less true. Instead, it seems more accurate to say that we have incidents, not problems. An incident is any experience which is not quite right—a bump in the road. Usually, it involves some kind of interface with other people.

When you are involved in a situation that is “not quite right” you always have two choices: to overreact or to over-respond. These are not the same thing. Overreacting means that you yell, feel incredibly bad or replay the incident again and again, trying to find meaning or some greater understanding. Over-responding means acknowledging the facts of the incident and taking definite action to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Take for example, Madhuri, 32, who always prided herself on her financial skills. She was adept at balancing her checkbook and paying her bills on time. She congratulated herself for having such a well-run financial life. One day she came home from work and heard a voicemail message from her bank saying that her checking account had been overdrawn.

Was this a problem or an incident?

At the moment, it was merely an incident. It was a one-time event, which could be dealt with quite easily. She double-checked her check register and realized she had made a simple arithmetic error which caused the shortfall.

At this point, Madhuri had a choice: she could overreact or over-respond.

If she chose to overreact, she would belittle or criticize herself. She might talk about the incident constantly. She would call all her friends and tell them how “stupid” she was. Then, she would feel really stressed about this happening again and make a global judgment of herself. “I’m just not that good with money,” she’d say. Basically, Madhuri would take this small incident, expand it to immense proportions and view it as a “failing grade” on her life’s report card.

If she chose to over-respond, Madhuri would call the bank and acknowledge the error. Perhaps, she’d even negotiate for a fee reduction, because this was a first-time occurrence. She might decide to link her checking and savings accounts so this wouldn’t happen again. She might put in other systems to double-check her arithmetic to decrease the likelihood of another similar occurrence.

So, what did Madhuri decide?

She chose to over-respond. She called her bank and transferred additional funds to cover the shortfall. She responded to this incident in a timely manner, which kept it from becoming a problem. She then took an extra step to make sure it didn’t happen again by taking advantage of the bank’s offer to link her checking and savings account. In this way, Madhuri responded to the incident, and over-responded by putting an additional safeguard in place to keep it from happening again.

We choose how we interpret events in our lives. We take actions based on our interpretations. By responding to a small event at an appropriate time, we can keep it from becoming a larger problem later. The fewer big problems we have, the more problem-free our lives will be.

Nowhere is this more evident than in personal relationships. We very often tolerate seemingly small incidents of insensitivity, meanness and thoughtlessness by saying, “Well, she or he didn’t mean it” or “It doesn’t matter.” As an incident, it does matter. It is easier to over-respond, instead of overreacting, to a small thing and severely reduce the likelihood of it happening again.

For example, let’s say that your boyfriend didn’t come home last night at the time he had promised. Many of us would simmer silently or be really angry, which are ways of over-reacting. Overreacting, you would say “You’re always late. Why are you so insensitive? Didn’t you know this was important?”

Instead, try over-responding: “Honey, you were late tonight, even though we agreed that you’d be home at 9. What do we need to put in place, as a couple, to make this type of situation work out better for both of us in the future?”

Keep in mind that this approach can feel scary and vulnerable, but it may keep a small incident from becoming a larger problem. By over-responding to incidents, you’ll keep them from becoming bigger problems and be on your way to a problem-free life.

Try it and see.

Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.

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