Now that second generation
South Asian-Americans are parents ourselves, how should we raise our
children? Do we want to raise them to think for themselves and choose
a direction in life with their own happiness in mind (instead of only
to please us)? What do we gain from doing that and what do we lose?
How will our parenting styles differ from our own parents’ if
we have different goals?
Children who are infantilized and not allowed to
be independent eventually have problems adjusting in our society,
which has different expectations from the one our parents knew. Allowing
children to learn how to help themselves promotes autonomy, independence,
confidence and self-direction. Allowing choices helps children identify
their own desires and lets them self-regulate. A child who is able
to identify his or her own wishes and pursue them will also experience
self-fulfillment. On the other hand, those raised in an interdependent
style report feeling a deeper interpersonal closeness to others, satisfaction
with being part of a group, and less pressure to find their own direction
or fulfillment.
Now, most of us recognize that we need to raise children
who are self-directed, but also work well in groups. Of course, we
wouldn’t mind if they want to please us as well, at least a
little! So how do we promote independence and interconnectedness in
our children? As South Asian-Americans, we are well-situated to do
just that. By holding onto our cultures’ familial connectedness
and celebration of children, while also updating our practices a little
to encourage independence, we should be able to have the best of both
worlds.
To promote independence, we need to focus our energy
on teaching our children to be autonomous. We must allow our toddlers
and preschoolers to feed and dress themselves. To make this process
easier, make sure that the food and clothing are easy to manipulate
and are within reach. Don’t worry about the mess with that will
inevitably occur when your children feed themselves, and don’t
keep out-of-season clothes or unreasonable choices within their view!
Having your children sleep on their own can be similarly promoted
with consistency and with the aid of transitional objects such as
a favorite stuffed animal or blanket.
As our children grow older, we’ll need to give
them chores to teach them how to accomplish these tasks, and should
involve them in family decisions such as home projects or vacations.
We need to make sure they also learn about finances and money management,
by allowing them control over their own money at some point, and by
allowing them to make some mistakes. It is far better for children
to learn from making small mistakes now, than with big ones later
on!
Our children will also need to learn some self-assessment
skills. We need to allow them to pursue their interests and develop
their talents even if they may not necessarily coincide with what
we want them to pursue! They’ll need to learn what makes them
happy, and about their own styles of working and relating so that
they can pursue situations where they will shine as individuals.
Finally, don’t worry so much if you coddle
your children a little or if they end up needing more support in some
areas, as long as they are functioning well. Some of that traditional
South Asian parenting style eases the pressure that comes from the
need to find a place for oneself in this modern world. Having thought
about how to encourage independence, however, you’ll hopefully
have raised a child who is well-situated to be autonomous, independent
and self-fulfilled, yet still strongly connected with yourself and
others.
Ranu Boppana, MD is an Adult and Child Psychiatrist in private practice in New York, NY and a Clinical Instructor at the NYU School of Medicine.
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