QUESTION
We have been happily married for about three years.
My husband is great and supportive in every way possible and things
have been going pretty smoothly so far. The only problem is my fear
of having sexual intercourse. Here’s the situation: Last year,
I got pregnant, but because neither of us was ready for a baby (mentally
or financially), we decided to go for an abortion. At the time, it
seemed like a good decision, but now I feel as though it has left
a permanent scar. Even with all the protection (birth control and
condoms), I still don’t feel comfortable having intercourse.
My husband was understanding at first, but now he also gets frustrated
sometimes that (a) I don’t ever initiate sex anymore and (b)
when he does, I usually turn him down.
I don’t want to be like this. I want to go
back to my old self so that both of us can be happy, but I can’t
help thinking about what happened last year each time we go to bed.
I feel guilty and don’t think I can ever go through it again.
Because we didn’t tell anyone about what happened, I can’t
even talk to anyone, except my husband, of course. He tries his best
to make me feel better by assuring me that it would never happen again,
but, I guess his best still isn’t good enough. I don’t
know what else to do.
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Photo by Carlos Taminez |
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ANSWER
By anyone’s estimate, you and your husband
went through a very traumatic event. An abortion, whether it is induced
or a miscarriage, takes a physical and mental toll. It is likely that
the decision to have an abortion was especially traumatic because
you do plan to raise a family together—once your lives are a bit
more grounded.
Everyone has a different way of expressing grief and needs different
amounts of time to heal. It seems that your husband has been very
understanding throughout the process. However, as time has passed,
it’s likely he misses the physical and emotional closeness that
you once shared. Be sure to talk out your feelings with him. Explain
to him your fears about having another unwanted pregnancy. Your husband
should have the opportunity to share his feelings, as well. Some men
have a difficult time acknowledging their emotions. It may be that
he has pent-up emotions and frustrations that need to be voiced.
Involving a third party may help clear your mind. Try making an appointment
with a therapist. You may find that you are more honest about your
feelings with someone who does not know you and will not be judging
you. Also, meet with your gynecologist to discuss various alternatives
for birth control. The doctor can also clarify failure rates of birth
control and, hopefully, start you on one that is acceptable to you.
He or she will also be able to review the menstrual cycle with you,
and help you identify the days of your cycle on which you are least
likely to become pregnant. These measures may put your mind more at
ease.
As you said, your husband is getting frustrated that
you two are not frequently physically involved. Understand that although
he likely needs his physical urges to be satisfied, he probably also
needs that physical contact so he feels loved, wanted and, yes, even
attractive. When you are ready, show him that you are making an effort
by cuddling and kissing. As you become more comfortable, go a little
further. Couples counseling can also provide an opportunity for both
of you to voice your feelings, with the added insights from someone
neutral and unbiased. If you find that time does not heal all, perhaps
you should discuss a trial period of separation so that you can focus
on yourself and your recovery. Hopefully, not long after, you’ll
be able to make your way back to the man you love.
QUESTION
My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We’ve
been having sex very frequently, but he has been unable to ejaculate
during sex (although he's able to do so easily during masturbation).
He's definitely aroused, but at the critical moment goes limp. Could
this be due to performance pressure?
When we met he was a virgin, but I'd been very sexually active and
had run the gamut of sexual relationships—casual and serious.
I've told him about my past and he's completely fine with it. But
I wonder if this has caused him to feel insecure and therefore unable
to perform. If so, what can I do to help?
ANSWER
It sounds like you have very good insight into what’s
going on. You are exactly right—it sounds like your boyfriend
is suffering from performance anxiety. Though he is able to become
erect and have intercourse, he is essentially unable to “finish”
and orgasm. Performance anxiety doesn’t just happen in the bedroom.
It can affect any part of our lives. Stage fright is such an example—fear
of going out in front of an audience may cause someone to lose their
voice, shake uncontrollably or have palpitations.
The best way to resolve this anxiety is by getting to the root of
what’s causing it. It may be that your boyfriend is painfully
aware that he was a virgin going in to this relationship, and you
were not. He may feel somehow inadequate, inexperienced and not “man
enough” for you. Reassure him that that you are not judging
him or comparing him to your previous lovers. Let him know that every
partner is different and that it can take time to discover each other’s
rhythm. Sex with him is just as much a learning experience for you,
as it is for him.
Keep in mind that there may be other issues at play. For example,
his fear of getting you pregnant may prevent him from ejaculating.
Ensure that you are using appropriate birth control to put him at
ease. Or, he may have been raised to believe that sex before marriage
is wrong, or that the mere act of sexual intercourse is dirty and
taboo. Again, probe into his thoughts and help him work through this.
If he’s unable to open up to you, he may find that speaking
to a friend or a therapist is easier. Remind him again and again that
you are in love with him, which makes sex with him that much more
special.
Dipika Dandade, 31, is an obstetrician/gynecologist practicing
in the Los Angeles area.
ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See
additional information.
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