Health and Wellness

By Dr. Rachna Jain, Psy.D.

Taking Care of Aging Parents

Growing up, it’s easy to think of your parents as invincible. After all, they came to this country with very little and over the years have created quite a lot. If your parents were anything like mine, they emigrated from India with just a few dollars in their pockets, a strong sense of purpose and value for education and achievement.

Now about 30 years later, our parents have worked hard to provide a stable environment for us. They’ve also managed to keep cultural traditions alive. They raised wonderful children (look at us, right?) and are now moving into a new phase of life. While they may be looking forward to retirement and spending time with family, it is also likely that our parents will require increasing amounts of medical care and social support at some point.

Even though our parents may be healthy, vigorous and active today, it’s wise to think about how you and your siblings will care for your aging parents when the need arises. While there are no easy answers and definitely no “one size fits all” philosophies, there are certain factors to consider. Stated desires, finances, living space, values and habits, shared responsibilities, access to medical and care-giving resources and connections to the community are top priorities. We’ll consider each of these more fully.

Accommodating your Parents’ Wishes and your Own
The first place to begin is always with your parents’ stated desires. Do they want to live in the United States or return to South Asia? Where and how would they like to live? Some parents will choose active “55 plus” communities where they can socialize, play golf or tennis, swim, and have some of their household and living responsibilities taken care of by the community staff. Others will choose to live near their children and grandchildren, but may need to be driven to social activities, like visiting the temple. Still, other parents will choose to live with their children, requiring everyone involved to make accommodations. What’s the best way to find out what your parents want to do? Ask them. Now is the time to start a conversation about how they would like to live, where they would like to live and what kind of lifestyle they would like to maintain as they get older.

Rima’s parents are healthy, active and live in their own house, which is approximately ten miles from her home. She asked her parents about their desires and how they would like to live as they got older, and was surprised to find out that they wanted to live with her to be closer to their grandchildren. Rima had always assumed that they would want to live with her brother. It was good that she asked now, so she was better prepared for the future.

Addressing Financial Concerns
The next area to consider is that of finances—both yours and your parents’. Some parents will have great reserves of retirement income. For these people, retirement will not mean a significant decrease in their way of life. They may be able to afford a separate residence, luxury vacations and top medical care. Other parents, though, may not be as financially comfortable and may require assistance from their grown children. You need to be thinking about how much and what kind of assistance you would be able to provide your parents if asked. This is not only limited to financial assistance, but also might include driving them to medical appointments or cleaning their house. Again, it’s wise to talk with your parents about their retirement and financial resources so everyone is clear on what types of help will be requested and given.

Once Rima knew her parents wanted to live with her, she called her brother Satish and spoke with him about their parents’ desires. Satish, while surprised, was amenable to discussing how the financial and physical responsibilities could be divided. After many conversations, they decided that Satish would contribute a fixed amount each month and transport their parents to various events every other week. Since he lived just a few miles away, this was reasonable and seemed to be a workable plan for everyone.

Locating Living Arrangements
The third area to consider is available living space. There are two cases in which this is very important. In the first case, your parents may need to move to a new house to accommodate their specialized needs for a certain floor plan, like a first-floor bedroom. They may also need special equipment that has to be installed to enable them to live independently.

The second case is if your parents will be living with you. You must have enough space for them to move in and be comfortable. Aside from a bedroom and bathroom, you may want to provide them a small sitting area or library room where they can watch movies or listen to music on their own. This can give you both much needed privacy and space. If you have children, be sure to talk with them about how the whole family will need to make some adjustments when your parents move in. Expect your children to have questions about how this change will impact them. You should also be able to present a balanced approach about what might be beneficial about your parents moving in and what might present difficulties. Children are very resilient and can adjust to almost anything when parents clearly communicate.

Reconciling Values and Habits
The fourth area to consider is that of values and habits. Generally speaking, your values and habits might not be similar to those of your parents. If your parents will be living with you, it is crucial to discuss ahead of time how conflicts will be handled. For example, let’s say that you eat meat and your parents don’t. Will you still cook and serve meat, knowing your parents may be uncomfortable with it? How much of your lifestyle are you willing to change? How flexible are your parents? How capable are they of making allowances if needed?

When you start to plan for your parents’ care, it’s also important to talk with any siblings about how various responsibilities will be shared. It’s vital that each sibling have the opportunity to contribute to your parents’ care. You should discuss financial contributions, as well as how much time and transportation each sibling can provide. It’s crucial to share the responsibility so no one feels completely overwhelmed and overloaded. Be sure to consider issues of medical coverage and how the costs for this should be shared as well. Nowadays, people are living longer and longer, and it’s very likely that this trend will increase over time. Plan accordingly.

Short-term and Long-term Care
Access to care-giving and medical resources is another area to consider. Sometimes, you may need to call in help to assist with caring for your parents. What kinds of resources are accessible in the community? How can your parents obtain the best medical care? What other possibilities exist for their mental and physical well-being? Depression is very common among the elderly and, apart from medical reasons, is most often caused by isolation and experiences of loss. How can you best allow your parents to stay in touch with their friends and the broader community to remain interested and happy?

There are many issues to consider when planning on caring for aging parents. Aside from the issues mentioned, you also have to consider how caring for aging parents will impact your life. At the very least, it may impact your living space and finances. It will likely impact your marriage. Also it will require that everyone be more communicative, open, and forthcoming about what is occurring and what can be expected. It’s not easy to take care of aging parents. However, it’s part of the natural cycle of life. They took care of us, and one day it will be time for us to return the favor. We’d want our children to do the same for us, right?

Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.

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