Health and Wellness

By Dr. Rachna Jain, Psy.D.

Living with Aging In-Laws

When you married your spouse, you might have promised to cherish, adore, and love him or her, in sickness and in health, for better or worse…but did those vows include caring for your aging in-laws?

Consider this: people are living longer these days, and it is reasonable to think that at some point, our parents or in-laws will require greater care and more consistent supervision. We covered the topic of caring for aging parents in last month’s Health and Wellness section. This month, we’ll focus on how caring for your in-laws may require some different considerations than caring for your own parents.

Communication
Good communication is the key mechanism for successfully navigating any important transition. In this case, you, your spouse and your in-laws must all communicate about the expectations and possible challenges of living together. It’s best, first, to talk with your spouse and agree on a course of action to pursue. Understand that these kinds of discussions can be intense, and you and your spouse may need to work through issues a little bit at a time, over a course of days or weeks. Don’t feel rushed to decide

everything in just one conversation.You might, actually, make a list of relevant points and then discuss each one. Issues where you both agree will be easy to decide on. Take extra time to talk through the areas where you might not agree. Once you have reached a consensus, it’s time to talk with your in-laws, as well, so you can reach for areas of mutual agreement.

Your children, if old enough, should also participate in the discussion with your in-laws. If your children are too young to participate directly, be sure to talk with them about the changes that might be occurring and tell them to come to you if they feel upset or confused. Talk with your in-laws about their expectations for social activity, whether they will baby-sit for the kids (When? How often?) and how miscellaneous expenses will be handled. It might be wise to settle on a budget or monthly cash amount that you will provide to your in-laws; this will keep them from having to ask for minor amounts of cash, and will allow them to retain some financial freedom. (This may not be necessary in every case, but be sure to ask!)

Financial Impact
Consider the financial realities of having your in-laws move in. Will they require a separate living space? Can you afford to provide one for them? How will them living with you affect their retirement spending, as well as your own retirement savings? Some in-laws will offer to contribute to the household expenses, or to provide free childcare or some other household help as a useful exchange for living under the same roof. Be clear on what feels feasible for you and reasonable to expect from them.

Sharing Responsibilities
If your in-laws do move in, will you and your spouse be solely responsible for their care? Or are there siblings, cousins, or other relatives who might be able to help out as well? How strongly does your spouse feel about being the main support for his/her parents? Is s/he willing to share the responsibilities with other siblings? This is important to ask, because South Asian culture, generally, seems to expect that the oldest son will take care of the parents. If you’re married to the oldest son, you need to find out if your spouse wants to be solely responsible, or if he expects to share these duties with his siblings and other relatives. Sometimes, knowing that the responsibility will be shared can make it easier for everyone involved.

Questions to Resolve
How will you maintain a close marital relationship? Will you still be able to go out together (just the two of you), or does your spouse expect his/her parents to be included in all activities going forward?

How will the house be cleaned and maintained? Does your spouse expect you to take care of it all, or will your in-laws pitch in? This is a crucial point to discuss because without agreement, you may end up doing all the work, and will likely feel angry and resentful.

How will you and your spouse resolve disagreements? Will your in-laws have say? Or will you both work it out just between the two of you? This is especially important to consider when you are all living in a small space. It can be difficult to hold an argument in private; and you don’t want to continually feel like the “odd person out” if your in-laws get involved and side with their child.

Differing Values and Habits
Keep in mind that one of the biggest areas of potential clash in terms of living with your in-laws is that their values and habits may be different than yours. This will become excruciatingly obvious if you all decide to live under the same roof. Again, how will you balance the delicate negotiation between living your life the way you want and being courteous to your in-laws? What will happen if your in-laws punish your child for something you believe to be unwarranted? Will your spouse side with you? Or with his/her parents?

Giving Up Control
You may have to become comfortable with giving up some control, especially over your in-law’s medical care and related issues. Whereas your parents might listen to you right away, your in-laws may not do so. Even though you have been married to their son or daughter for “x” number of years, it doesn’t mean that they will seek out your opinions or advice in the same way your own parents would. In this case, it’s best to offer your help, guidance, or assistance, while being flexible.

Jyoti is a successful cardiologist whose mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with heart problems. Jyoti is very well respected for her professionalism and capabilities, so she can’t understand why her mother-in-law doesn’t follow her advice on nutrition and exercise, and this has Jyoti feeling frustrated and helpless.

In this case, Jyoti needs to find a better balance between giving advice and expecting it to be followed. While it would be nice if her mother-in-law listened, there is no way to force her to do so.

Interaction with your Spouse’s Family
You may have to interact more frequently with your spouse’s extended family. This may be necessary to make adequate social or medical arrangements. You will have another set of people to interact with and another set of views to consider. This can create some strain as you work to balance various opinions and judgments to reach a workable consensus. Just remember, you shouldn’t have to do this alone, and you should be able to take a break from all the planning and activity when you need to.

Strain with your Own Parents
Finally, taking care of aging in-laws can bring up some strain with your own parents— especially if your parents require care and you’re not in a position to provide it. While South Asian culture has traditionally held that a daughter, once married, becomes tied to her new family and leaves her family of origin, most people find this difficult to put into practice in these current times. If your parents were in need of care, you would likely want to assist them. However, this may not be possible if your in-laws are already living with you. So all the options must be clearly considered, and a choice must be made.

Overall, the decision to take care of aging in-laws is not an easy one, and will likely require a great deal of adjustment to adapt successfully. If you can make it work, though, you can expect to strengthen the relationship with your spouse and the connections with his/her family. Your children will grow up knowing their grandparents, and you can feel satisfied with creating a secure, loving, and conflict-free home for the whole family to live in together.

Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.

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