scattered about geographically,
but indeed, many of us are having parallel experiences—parallel
exchanges, parallel flirting and parallel bad dates.
The results are in and there are a few common threads—albeit
in varying shades of saffron red and Jaipur pink—but all warrant
reporting here.
We All Know a 'Hurry-up Haroon'
I am just going to say it. Here goes: A striking number of Desi men
lack social skills. Desis may be well-equipped with brains and intellectual
savvy, but they often need a little butter to grease themselves up
for social settings. (Note to men reading this: No, Gulabi
(sweetie), this is not about you, just all the other guys.)
How many times have you run into an attractive South Asian man in
a sassy bar, only to learn he has no clue how to approach you? "Do
you think you might actually ask me how I'm doing, as opposed to just
stare at me from across a crowded club all night?" you wonder.
And if he does come up to you—well, we'll let "Single Sarah"
tell the tale of "Hurry-up Haroon."
"[I met a guy] at an Indian party in New York, who came up to
me and said, 'Hi, can I get your number?' No 'How are you?' No 'What's
your name?' No 'I think you're cute.' No 'I'd like to get to know
you.' [He] just went straight for the number and continued to follow
me around throughout the night, despite me giving him dirty looks
and pushing him away," recalled Sarah. "At one point he
even came up from behind me and stuck his phone in my face. When I
turned around there he was, asking me for my bloody number again.
I said 'I don't even know your name!' and he said, 'I'm Haroon, Can
I have your number?'"
I think it is safe to assume that even if Sarah did give Haroon her
number, he probably wouldn't have had much to say on the phone when
he called her. Sarah actually bumped into Haroon again at an event
two weeks later. He tried again. Poor thing. Desi brotha, you might
want to consider public speaking classes at Toastmasters or something.
Didn't your mummy ever teach you how to talk to the beauties?
Okay, I know most Desi mums probably didn't teach this to their boys.
That may in fact be an unfair statement, but perhaps Desi mommas should
be teaching their boys how to properly—and delicately—pinch
the stem of a Desi daisy.
The Cherokee with the Red Dot
Now we move to the obscenely common scenarios we all experience: the
casual comments of the non-Desi chap who lacks any understanding of
who we are, where we come from or why we don't have Apu-style accents
even though many of us have lived in America our entire lives. The
most striking—and most frightening—element is these men
usually don't have the faintest notion of their ignorance or blatant
insults.
Remember, these are true stories.
Sonu from Virginia reports that when she tells people that she is
of East Indian descent she is often asked, "How come you don't
have a red dot on your forehead?" Some even tell her that they
actually thought all Indian women were born with red dots. She said
she usually replies "Oh, I had it surgically removed." A
ridiculous answer for a ridiculous question, she smartly notes.
A Massachusetts "Maharani" remembers one incident when
she told a man her name was Sangita. He said, "Sangita? That
sounds like Sangria. Are you Mexican?" Mind you, Sangria is a
Spanish drink.
Another one this tall drink often gets, "Are you from India
like American Indian or India in Pakistan?" Oh boy, we have a
long way to go.
"Single Sarah" seems to get more than her fair share. Here
she recounts walking through an upscale mall in Boston where she had
the following exchange with a beefy man in his late-20s.
Mr. Beefy: Excuse me, how do you say 'beautiful' in Spanish?
Single Sarah: Uh, I dunno.
Mr. Beefy: Oh I'm sorry, you're Italian?
Single Sarah: Nope.
Mr. Beefy: What are you then?
Single Sarah: Indian
Mr. Beefy: Ah Indian, I looove Indian women. They're so beautiful.
You know, I'm part Cherokee myself.
Reena from Ohio reacted to a perplexing comment as so many of us
probably do—with utter and breathtaking silence. Reena was at
a bar when a (self-proclaimed) medical student told her she had a
nice tan. There really are few words you can say when someone says
something so stupid. It does not and cannot warrant a response. Yes,
my best advice is to just keep quiet. It's better than smacking a
perfect stranger upside the head in a public place.
The "Can-You-Cook-and-Nurse-the-Baby-and-Massage-my-Feet-with-Your-Eyes-Closed"
Man
Then there is this other set of men who subscribe to stereotypes and
are regularly looking to perpetuate them. Mandira from Washington
D.C. remembers taking the train to work one day when a non-Desi stranger
began telling her how 'pretty' he thought South Asian women were.
Sure this was fine; we all like those kinds of compliments. (Note
to men: Despite what I write here, please remember, no matter what,
you are always allowed to tell a South Asian woman she is pretty.)
But as he went on, he revealed that the real reason he loved South
Asian women was because they were so 'docile' and remained loyal to
their husbands 'no matter what and never fought'. Uh, okay. Not sure
what South Asian women he knows, but not likely the ones reading this
article.
Still, some men are unapologetic about trying to perpetuate those
stereotypes in their own lives. Subha in central California reports
she is often asked within minutes of meeting a South Asian man, "Do
you cook?"
"I don't know if they're just checking to see if I can or [are]
wondering if I'm 'Indian' enough to do it for my future husband. This
is definitely something NOT to say to me," she says.
Dear Subha, rest assured, we're with you on this one.
Woman on Woman
I knew that would catch your attention. Because the title of this
article suggests we are going to discuss the things one should not
say to a Desi woman, you might naturally presume that this is entirely
a piece about all the ridiculous things men say to women. Well, as
you've seen, this is largely true. However, there are a number of
asinine things women say to other women that warrant reporting here,
as well.
While we'd like to think that we, as a breed, should be looking out
for one other—we are after all in the same proverbial boat—we
sometimes seem to have a tendency to say things to each other that
might, let's just say, be an effort to throw a fellow comrade off
the boat.
Case in point: During an evening out, Girl A bumps into Girl B in
the women's restroom—she knows her, but has not seen for some
time. Girl A says to girl B, "Oh, it's so nice to see you after
so long…" and other niceties. Girl B responds amicably.
Girl A then asks—mind you this is the second question, and we
are still in the ladies lounge—"So, are you married yet?"
Hiccup, followed by dull stare and naked silence.
What just happened there? Why is it that women are forgetting to
look out for each other? It's not like Girl B was even in a relationship
last time she saw Girl A. You should have heard her snide tone; she
made it seem as if they were in some competition. Come on, we have
enough to deal with from the opposite sex, let alone the same.
Volume 1, Take it with a Sip of…uh, Sangria?
We South Asian women are an interesting set—Not complicated,
but decisive and usually confident. When I was given this assignment,
I expected that not all women I approached would have something to
add. I was wrong—decisively. Most everyone had a story. Most
everyone had an experience, notably with the opposite sex. Ladies,
it seems we got some edumacating to do.
So as we conclude the beginnings of volume 1 in the "What Not
to Say" Desi dictionary, I know most of you reading this probably
have an applicable entry of your own. I encourage you to share and
share out loud. Sometimes even the most bizarre and outlandish comments
can make for a hearty laugh, especially over a pitcher of "Mexican"
sangria.
Gitika Ahuja is a journalist living in Boston, MA. She is often spotted around town (or heard-she has been known to speak very loudly) with a reporter's notebook in hand, diligently documenting Desi dilemmas and delights. If you have any dictionary entries you would like to share, or thoughts for another volume feel free to reach her at gitika@gmail.com
The views expressed in this section are those
of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABCDlady.
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