because there will be
more things wrong with the situation than just my parents disapproval.
Thinking about how my parents may react and take the news has been
eating me alive. And if they have an initial bad reaction, I'll be
heartbroken. How do I approach my 'set-in-their-ways' Guju parents
about the fact that I'm in a loving relationship with an awesome Punjabi
guy?
ANSWER
You both are very lucky to have found each other. Keep things in perspective
though—you have been only dating for one month. In that short
amount of time, it can be difficult to say with certainty that someone
is everything you want in a partner and in the father of your children.
It might be prudent to start off by approaching the relationship in
a more light-hearted manner. It’s too early to put so much pressure
on both of you. You might even find that, with time, he’s not
all you thought he’d be or vice versa.
Once you’ve given the relationship more time to grow and you’ve
taken the time to get to know each other (really know each other),
then think about approaching your parents. There’s no use in
jumping the gun and getting your parents riled up about someone you
are not completely ready to stand up for. When you do speak with your
parents, be honest with them about your feelings for this guy. Tell
them what it is that you like about him on a personal level—whether
it be that he’s supportive of your career goals, that he makes
you laugh, or that he loves the same music and movies that you do.
Give them objective facts about him too. Of course, they’ll
be interested in what and where he studied, what his profession is,
even his monetary situation. Be ready to provide that information,
without getting upset. When it comes to telling them what you seem
most worried about – that he is Punjabi – don’t
be apologetic about it. Show them that you have no problem with it,
so neither should they.
Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Your parents may surprise
you and be open- minded about the situation. Brace yourself, nonetheless,
for a negative reaction. Just don’t back down. This will not
be resolved in one day. Little by little, introduce your boyfriend
into your family life. Once your parents see how comfortable the two
of you are together and are able to put a face to a name, they may
be easier to convince. If this is something you really want, fight
for it. Remember that this is your life. You will be sharing your
dreams and heartaches with the man you marry—not your parents.
Also, don’t completely discount any comments your parents have
to make. They’ve seen a fair share in their lives and may have
a few words of wisdom for you. Your parents love you. Their actions
should not be motivated by selfish reasons. Surely, in the end, what’s
best for you is best for them!
QUESTION
I am a 24 year-old lady, sharing my room with my
brother. We are in a physical relationship, and I want to come out
of it, but it is hard for us. What can we do to avoid incest? We love
each other a lot, but cannot seem to stop this.
ANSWER
Clearly, you are well aware of the taboos regarding
incest. Though you say you want to be done with the relationship,
what steps have you taken to put a stop to it? The most obvious is
staring you in the face….as a grown woman, stop sharing
a room with your brother! I am not sure what motivates you to
continue sharing the same room - whether it’s a question of
space or finances - but there must be a better solution. Find an apartment
with a girlfriend or even strike out on your own. Or, have your brother
hit the road. No matter what, put distance between the two of you.
Limit your interaction to family gatherings, if even that. Expand
your social life and meet young men of your age and of no relation
to you. Only you can break the cycle.
Sibling-sibling incest can arise when an older sibling, in an almost
parental role, takes advantage sexually of a younger brother or sister.
There are also cases of consensual sibling incest, in which siblings
of similar ages sexually experiment with one another. Regardless of
how it begins, incest can cause significant psychological damage to
those involved. Please get the advice and help of a therapist in your
efforts to remove yourself from this unfortunate situation.
Dipika Dandade, 31, is an obstetrician/gynecologist practicing
in the Los Angeles area.
ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See
additional information.
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