Now, your mother could
be bluffing and laying on the guilt as parents often do, but there
is also a possibility that she may never approve of your relationship
with your boyfriend. Since choosing between the comfort of family
and the companionship of a partner is no easy task, I would suggest
stopping and asking yourself a few questions: Would you be able to
come to terms with your mother’s disapproval? Would you resent
your partner for indirectly distancing you from your family? Are you
prepared to raise children without your mother’s support? Do
you have any other support networks on which you could rely?
Once you have given some thought to these questions, and still feel
ready to move forward with the marriage, then talk to your significant
other and make sure that he understands the details of the situation,
and can provide the support you need. It sounds like you both love
each other very much. The fact that two people come from different
backgrounds does not mean that they cannot share the same beliefs
and values, and build a successful relationship. And who knows— with
time maybe your mother will surprise you and come around!
QUESTION
I've had a bad date or two before, and now I've begun to dislike Indian
boys completely. So much so, in fact, that I just try to avoid associating
with Indians altogether. I don't like what I'm doing, or why I'm doing
it, but I can't bring myself to overcome it. What should I do?
ANSWER
Dating is a hard business that can wear down even experts in the field.
Putting yourself out there in anticipation of meeting “the one”—or
even the one for right now—takes a fair amount of spirit and strength.
So it's natural to feel disillusioned when things don't work out—and
it doesn't help when aunty makes it a point to remind you that your
biological clock is about to crash!
If you feel let down by your past dates, perhaps you have observed
patterns that you have found unappealing and have inadvertently attributed
them to ethnicity. While it is wise to pay attention to characteristics
that are not a good fit for you, you cannot assume that all people
of any specific ethnic group are exactly the same.
The fact is that dating is a hard game to play. There are no clear-cut
answers, but if it is important to you to date Indian men, then continue
to meet people, remembering that there are many different personality
types within each ethnicity. If you find that you are unable to do
this, then it might help to give yourself a break. You can also try
dating people of other cultures for a while to see how you feel.
Specific circumstances may have led you to feel
strongly about Indian men. If you think that your dating life has
been unhealthy or might have triggered unresolved issues from your
past, then you should deal with this before moving forward. More often
than not, these issues revolve around a lack of basic trust. But you
cannot learn how to trust alone! Instead, you should look to supportive
family members and friends to help you establish a secure sense of
connection. If you find that friends and family alone are not enough,
consider seeking professional help.
The good news is that during this challenging process, you will
get to know yourself better, and will be able to recognize what works
for you when it comes your way!
Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional problems. She currently serves as a social worker for Big Brothers Big Sisters of NYC.
ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See
additional information.
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