instead of resorting to
feline companionship! Not only have you consistently picked yourself
up and moved forward with your life, but you have also managed to
carry your dating experiences through to the relationship stage—and
that is half the battle!
It sounds like the problems begin to surface when
things get more serious. One possibility is that you are investing
more of yourself than you should at an early stage. When people move
too quickly, they are less likely to evaluate a relationship for what
it is, since it is difficult to assess compatibility in the midst
of the initial excitement and intensity of dating. However, if the
couple is given the chance to move into a more practical phase, it
is easier to obtain a clearer picture.
Because maintaining a relationship is as not as easy as Shah Rukh
and Kajol make it seem, it is important to work hard to understand
the expectations and needs of your significant other. It is also important
to explicitly tell your partner what you want—which requires
good communication, as opposed to mind-reading. Generally, if a couple
communicates effectively, both parties are more likely to be on the
same page.
From what you have said, it does not sound like you and your partners
have been on the same page. It is a good idea to take some time in
between relationships to think about why this might have been the
case, and to try to regain your emotional equilibrium before starting
something new. Think about behaviors that became patterns in your
relationships, red flags that you might have ignored, what worked
for you and what didn't. Often, we focus so much on having the
other person like us, that we don't pay attention to what it is that
we really want.
When we realize what we want, we need a healthy level of confidence
to act on it. It sounds as though yours has been shaken, and though
this is quite natural when a significant other ends a relationship,
self-rejection is never a good stance to take. Not only is confidence
indispensable to happiness and healthy relationships, it is also a
quality that people find very attractive! Here are a few things you
can do to boost your confidence:
Keep good company. This applies to family, friends
and significant others. A relationship based on love, support and
mutual respect is essential for building self-esteem.
Get involved in matters that interest you. Join
networking organizations or groups that share your interests. Being
part of a group gives you a sense of belonging and acceptance.
Try to be assertive. Practice making decisions
and, if they are minor, don’t spend time worrying about whether
they are right or wrong.
Make a list of your strengths. Think about whether
you’re making the most of them.
Do something you’ve been putting off. This
often results in a sense of fulfillment.
At the same time, if you feel that you are comfortable with what
you have contributed to each relationship, then you just haven't met
someone you are compatible with yet. It sounds like you are on the
right track—continue to meet people and, chances are, the right
person will come along. Remember to be yourself and you will attract
a person who can appreciate you for who you are!
QUESTION
I am 20 years-old and had a baby last year. Now that I am more sexually
active and started Depo-Provera, I keep bleeding during sex. Is this
normal, and how long will it go on?
ANSWER by Dipika Dandade
Depo-Provera is a very effective form of birth control. It is a hormone
(progesterone) injection that is given every three months in the arm
or buttocks, and prevents pregnancy by releasing high levels of progesterone
that suppress ovulation and cause thickening of cervical mucus. Depo-Provera
is a good birth control method for women who find it inconvenient
to take a birth control pill everyday. Other advantages are that it
can decrease the pain and the amount of bleeding with periods. Disadvantages
include weight gain, having to make an office visit to receive the
shot, and irregular bleeding. While some women continue to have their
normal monthly period, it is not uncommon to have irregular spotting
or to even stop having your period altogether.
To address your question, there are a number of causes for bleeding
after sex. Depo-Provera can potentially lead to dryness in the vagina—possibly
leading to small tears with intercourse. It would be best, though,
to be evaluated by a health care professional to rule out other causes
for the bleeding, especially since you have been on Depo-Provera for
almost a year. You would benefit from being screened for sexually
transmitted diseases, such as gonorrhea and Chlamydia. If you have
been sexually active for three years (or are over 21 years old), a
pap smear and screening for human papilloma virus (HPV) will be done.
Also, your doctor will be able to look at your cervix to see if there
are any growths, such as polyps, that could lead to bleeding. A pelvic
exam will help evaluate the size of the uterus and the presence of
any growths, such as fibroids in the uterus or cysts in the ovaries.
If need be, your doctor may suggest an ultrasound to better visualize
the pelvic organs.
You should also be aware of the warning issued by the manufacturer
of Depo-Provera. Studies have found that the medication causes a loss
of bone density in adolescents and young women that may not be completely
reversible. They suggest that use of Depo-Provera be limited to two
years if there is a reasonable alternative birth control method. Be
sure to take your calcium daily and do weight bearing exercise such
as walking, running, and weight training to help maintain your bone
density. Please refer to the following site for more information:
http://www.pfizer.com/pfizer/download/ppi_depo_provera_contraceptive.pdf.
Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the
Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused
on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional
problems. She currently serves as a social worker for Big Brothers
Big Sisters of NYC.
Dipika Dandade, 31, is an obstetrician/gynecologist
practicing in the Los Angeles area.
ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See
additional information.
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