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Stalking does not equal
dating. Men: leaving a note on her car without your name or any
other information besides, "I think you're cute!" is really
creepy. Ladies: repeatedly calling someone you’ve never met
or only met once or twice comes across in much the same way.
Taboo topics for a first date: exes, baby names, the kind of wedding
you want, the number and types of sexual encounters (or fantasies)
you've had, your tricked-out BMW, your awesomely amazing job, your
gigantic salary. Rein in, please.
Ladies: never describe yourself as a "kind of a witch"
(or similar) on a first date.
Men: Taco Bell is generally not a good place for a first date.
Men: Reach for the check first. If it's a first date and things
are going well, pay for the meal. Otherwise, you’ll look like
your mother didn't raise you right. If it's a second date or later,
always always reach for the check. You may wind up paying
frequently. Stop whining; it's called "chivalry." While
you're at it, hold the door on the way out.
And if your date’s insisting on paying, allow this.
Ladies: Reach for the check. If you don't at least offer, you look
pretty terrible yourself. Just avoid the Check Tug-of-War!
A general rule of thumb for both genders is to offer verbally twice:
"Allow me…No, please, it would be my pleasure to pick
this up…You get it next time." If, after that, your date
is STILL insisting on paying, let them. If your date holds it against
you later, kick him or her to the curb. There are plenty of issues
you can be neurotic about later on in the relationship. You'll probably
spend a large percentage of your time with this person at dinner,
so if they get hung up on it now, you'll hate them later.
Phone Calls:
You’re going to spend some time on the phone getting to know
your potential partner. How you handle phone time will determine
whether it’s so fun that he or she will want to call you back
again and again or whether your number is blocked within seconds
of hanging up. The less work the phone is, the more the phone will
work for you.
Ladies: Don’t talk about fashion or clothes. Don’t
talk about yourself endlessly. Remember, you’re already the
master of the telephone. Men think the phone’s for emergencies
and finding his friends while out drinking, while you know that
it is the most important information-sharing tool of the 21st century.
You have the advantage here already, so how about some nice conversational
give-and-take?
Men: Don’t talk about how cool you are or how uncool you
are, because either way, you’re just not cool. Be funny, be
cordial, but always keep it light. Talk about something
ridiculous, find out about the other person, make a joke. Don’t
get mean, don’t get angry, and don’t—ever—lose
your head. Your worst case scenario should involve you politely
saying that you need to go and then hanging up the phone.
Both genders: Caller ID is your friend. If you don't want to talk
to someone, just don't answer the phone. The flip side: don't continuously
call someone if they don't call you back within a week. It's over.
Move on.
Do not treat the phone call as a free therapy session with a stranger.
No discussing your ex, how you were cheated on, or how much you
hate specific genders. Because, see, that really comes across as
psycho. And you don’t want to be a psycho, do you? Right.
So if you feel a bout of hysteria coming on, try this one on for
size: beg off, hang up the phone, hug your teddy and cry into your
pillow instead. You’re still a loser, but now the person you
were talking to doesn’t know it.
Internet Dating:
It's high time someone addressed internet dating, considering how
prevalent it's become. Look, people, internet dating is not the
shameful taboo you might have once thought it to be. Odds are by
now you’ve tried it at least once. And if it didn’t
work for you, you might want to consider the possibility that maybe—just
maybe—you weren’t doing things right.
Done properly, the internet is a great way to meet
some really nice people. But handled improperly, it’s frustrating,
time-consuming, and occasionally bizarre or dangerous. Common sense
and good humor will go a long way here.
Ladies: Do not use the terms "princess," "diva,"
"beauty and brains," "the perfect blend of East and
West," or any other clichés when writing a profile or
choosing a handle. Remember, if your profile sounds pretentious,
silly, or trite, well…you probably are, too. Also, you didn’t
really grow up in Buckingham Palace, so you’re not royalty
no matter what you think. You’re the daughter of a doctor,
a motel-owner, or a guy who owns a Subway, and while it’s
all the same thing to your daddy, it’s not to the rest of
the world. Reality check, please.
Ladies, the overly-coy “hidden picture, please send me an
email and ask for my picture” functionality on some dating
sites is an automatic skip for many. It’s like your ancestors
struggled to reach the land of the free and home of the brave, only
to have you jump to covering your face in public. Whether you or
others think you’re attractive or not is less important than
how comfortable you are with how you look and who you are. Someone
out there finds you cute, trust me. Don’t get nutso about
it either way: “Gosh, I’m so hot!” is just as
bad as “God, I’m so ugly.”
Men: find a decent picture of yourself somewhere, taken
in the last year. That picture of you on the college ski trip doesn’t
accurately reflect the beer belly you sprouted on your thirtieth,
and don’t think it will go unnoticed on your first
date.
If someone’s profile says, "Don't write without sending
a picture," take it seriously. If you’re not comfortable
with that, for whatever reason (third arm, severe acne scarring,
chronic drooling), skip ahead. There is another profile after this
one. Really.
Both genders: Do NOT reply to your ex's dating website profile.
This will never ever win him or her back. If this seems like a good
idea to you, it's really, really over. Get with the program.
Everyone should just skip the “auto-reply” functions
some of these sites have. It’s infuriating to get an impersonal,
generic, and totally bland reply after going out on a limb trying
to contact someone you’d like to get to know better. And it’s
a really bad sign if your real-time replies sound like an auto-reply
(i.e. “Hi, I saw your profile and I would like to know you
better. If you would like to get to know me better, email me”).
Please, some wit and humor wouldn’t hurt.
Meeting the Parents:
Ladies: Your parents are not better, no matter how much
you think they are. And meeting your date’s parents is not
a cause for massive alarm and clothes-shopping. Be yourself, and
hope for the best. Do not become as nutty as your potential in-laws.
Desis are all about the Oedipal complex. Think before you dress.
Nothing above the knee, show no cleavage, and absolutely, under
NO circumstances, are halter-tops okay. You want your potential
mother-in-law to think of beautiful grandchildren. You do not want
to become your future father-in-law's fantasy.
Men: The parental meeting should happen within the first eight months
of dating, otherwise you're just leading on your significant other.
When meeting the parents, do not be yourself. Instead,
act like a perfect gentleman. Let your sweetie dress you and pack
for you, and kick you under the table to tell you to shut up immediately.
You'll be thankful later. If you are forced to meet the parents
within the first two months, you should probably reevaluate a tad.
Both genders: After the second date, his or her family and good
friends are not YOUR family and good friends. Take it easy, sparky.
A few months later, it'll happen naturally—or not at all.
And no matter how bad of a cook or housekeeper you are, always offer
to help clean up at that first big meeting. Your significant other's
mother may say no, but keeping her company wins big points.
Rehashing with Friends:
Ladies, this one mainly applies to you. It might be fun to analyze
everything your date says and does with your friends later, but
bear in mind that this can damage a relationship in the long run.
Your friends aren’t always right—sometimes you’re
looking for sympathy and they offer criticism that seems like what
you want.
Men, the same holds true for you, but mainly because…well…what
kind of a guy are you, anyway? Your friends really don’t want
to hear about it. Odds are they’ve already told you so.
And a general note for both genders on this topic: genuinely malevolent
or evil people are much rarer than anecdotal evidence would have
you believe. But they’re not totally extinct, either. And
sometimes a genuinely nice person can simply be intolerably selfish.
It may or may not be in your control to change their behavior, but
odds are that beyond a minimum of venting, revisiting the situation
over and over with your friends without taking corrective action
won’t do anything more than annoy them and make you look neurotic.
Simply put, there’s a fine line between being careful and
being paranoid. It’s your job to find it.
After You're Officially Dating:
The hard part’s done. You’ve attracted someone, you
both like each other enough to become exclusive, and now you’re
“dating.” It’s all easy from here, right? Wrong,
Einstein. That kind of lazy thinking is why 98% of all relationships
end in break-ups and made-up statistics.
A little preventive maintenance goes a long way. Be romantic. And
be romantic spontaneously and without warning. A dinner date, a
weekend trip, or a home-cooked candle-lit dinner will pay dividends
when the guy one cube down starts sending your naïve darling
emails saying he’s free after work or the secretary begins
showing an unhealthy interest in your cuddle bear’s appointment
book.
Remember, they’re overlooking a lot of your flaws to be with
you. Try and reciprocate—it’s only polite.
Keep your expectations low. But that doesn’t mean lowering
your standards! Dating means enjoying another’s company for
what it is, rather than what it could be. Focus on how
much you enjoy the other person’s company, not on what you
think he or she isn’t doing for you.
And try and avoid being critical. Nagging is never a turn-on, and
no matter how much you think you could have done it better, it’s
not a good idea to share those thoughts. No. Not ever. Especially
if you hear one of your parents’ voices when you think those
thoughts. Bad idea.
Ladies, you shouldn’t want to marry your dad.
Men, you shouldn't want to marry your mom.
All, if you think it's okay to gain ten pounds after you start
dating someone, you've got another think coming.
Breakup Etiquette:
How you break up is maybe the most important thing, yet many people
think it's utterly unimportant. How you leave another person will
deeply affect how you both approach relationships in the future.
Breakups are never easy. And sometimes it’s practically impossible
to control your emotions when you find that a relationship you’ve
spent a great deal of time and energy on is suddenly ending. A graceful
ending that brings closure to both parties and a deep and lasting
friendship might be an ideal beyond your reach, but there’s
something to be said for at least getting the “graceful”
part down right. Regardless of what Jerry Springer says, being cheated
on doesn’t entitle you to a screaming hissy fit or months
of stalker-like behavior; most breakups are much less melodramatic
than that, so try and stay grounded. In just a few months, you’ll
look back at the whole thing and wonder why you got so worked up,
so try not to embarrass yourself too badly right now (for any of
my exes out there reading this, well…it took me a while to
figure it all out, but I did. And now I’m so laid-back and
cool that you can’t have me. Ha!)
If that’s all elementary for you, and this is one of those
“We tried, but it just didn’t work out, and I wish you
well” situations, follow it through properly to the end. Good
things sometimes do come from the end, so pop in your Lion King
DVD and hum along to “The Circle of Life.” Something
good will be along soon, even if it doesn’t really feel like
it at the moment. Now you’re single again, which is hardly
the disaster your parents make it out to be. You’re a little
older and hopefully a little wiser. To the right person,
this will only make you more attractive, so stick to your guns,
hold your standards and your head up high, be patient and try to
have fun. The rest will fall into place on its
own!
The…Other…Ending:
My god, you’ve killed her. Dump the body in the river, steal
your roommate’s license plates, and head for the Mexican border!
No, not that ending. So you’re in love. Deeply in
love. Your friends hate you. You’re so in love that you get
weepy trying to describe it at halftime on Super Bowl Sunday. Your
favorite movie is now Jerry Maguire, and you replay the
“You…complete me / Shut up, you had me at hello”
scene eight or ten times a day. Yes! You’ve found your soulmate!
You’ve also made me dizzyingly nauseous, but somewhere underneath
my greenish-tinged skin, trust me, I’m very happy for you.
I could go on and on, because clearly you two are going to have
the happiest of lives together, but how about we get to the beginning
of the end or maybe the end of the beginning? That’s right…The
Proposal.
Men, this usually is all about you. It’s where you get to
shine or fail utterly. Done properly, your fiancé’s
friends, family, and even total strangers will remember you forever
with warm feelings. Done improperly, and the whole thing goes up
in smoke. Trust me, I know.
Unfortunately, this is also one of those areas where there’s
not much I can tell you, because when it’s the right person,
you’ll feel inspired. You’ll know exactly what to do,
and it will all come together like B.A. Baracus and Hannibal wandering
into a barn full of farm equipment and sheet metal. Obstacles that
would otherwise seem insurmountable will later become humorous footnotes
in the Legend of Your Proposal. Your kids will one day climb upon
your knee and ask you to tell the story of how you tricked mommy
into agreeing to wash your underwear for the next 50 years, and
that will make it all totally worthwhile.
Epilogue:
I could talk about planning weddings, the actual marriage, even
divorce. But why take it too far? You’ve got your whole life
to lead in front of you, and it just wouldn’t be seemly for
you to pull out a tattered printout of ABCDlady every time life
throws you a relationship curveball. But now you’re prepared
for the worst! Armed with these guidelines and your own sense of
humor, cunning, and creativity, you’ll do wonders. Just make
sure and let me know how it all works out so I can learn from your
example.
So take it from there and…good luck!
Salil Maniktahla is a consultant in San Francisco.
He enjoys long walks on the beach, reading and cooking. His parents
consider him "homely." He despises people who check the
"it's complicated" box in their Friendster profiles, because
really...it isn't. You can find almost everything you need to know
about him via Indiandating.com and Google...you stalker.
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