girls I am involved
with only find me attractive or appealing because I am South Asian,
meaning that they would not give me the time of day if I was not
South Asian. What is the reason behind this? We grew up in the same
world and culture as did Americans of many different races. So what
makes us so different?
Confused in California
A: You’ve just asked what may be the $64,000
question. Though I would take care not to assume that flocking together
happens among South Asians only; many of the Latinas and African
Americans I’ve spoken with over the years have indicated that
they also feel pressure to date and make friends within their own
ethnic or racial group. There seems to be a general bias towards
hanging out with those of your own kind.
From your question, it’s clear that you adopt a broader worldview
than most people; you want to learn from others and adapt your perspective
accordingly. This is an admirable trait and one that you should
cultivate. The question you ask, “Why is it that South Asians
only associate with other South Asians?” is a tough one to
answer, but I’ll give it my best shot.
So here goes. I think South Asians (like people of other ethnic
groups) find it easier to associate with others who are like them
because there is a great deal of cultural nuance which can be easily
shared and transmitted. It’s like an evolutionary “shortcut”
for identifying who is friend and who is foe. I think South Asians
like other South Asians because, in general, it’s easier to
make the initial connection and easier to keep the conversation
going once it starts. Who hasn’t enjoyed the feeling of acceptance
and belonging when traveling en masse with a bunch of South Asians
from club to club? I’ve noticed often that South Asians are
more easily accepting of new South Asian faces than they may be
of non-South Asian ones.
Another element that may be at play, at least among the group a
few years older than you, is that there is enormous familial and
cultural pressure to date and marry within our own ethnicity. As
we all get older, we might be expected to be more focused on sifting
through the dating pool to find the best possible South Asian match.
As our work responsibilities increase, our free-time dwindles, and
so we might “save time” by hanging out with only those
people who fit a certain, predefined set of traits. Meaning this:
if you only have two hours a week to socialize, and you feel pressure,
interest or desire to marry a South Asian, how are you going to
best meet your goals in the limited time you do have?
Yes, you guessed it, by hanging out only with South Asians.
The third layer of your question hints at the presence
of South Asian insularity—the approach which suggests that
every group of South Asians is an island unto themselves and that
there is hardly a way to build a bridge to the mainland. Though
I know that each person’s history may be somewhat different,
I believe personally that this tendency was laid down as our parents
and grandparents emigrated from their homeland to the United States,
Canada, and the United Kingdom.
One of the first things our relatives did upon
settling in their new home town was try to find others like them.
My parents tell me stories of driving hours just to meet with another
South Asian family. They used to drive hours to find South Asian
food and groceries, and I remember long car trips from Maryland
to New York to pick up relatives who had flown to the States, and
the hours spent traveling to New Jersey to buy South Asian clothes
or shop at the South Asian jewelers. For our parents and grandparents,
these extra efforts were ways to keep their culture intact and alive.
Now we fast forward 20 to 40 years and we find
that, as first, second or third generation Americans, we are flocking
towards others who are like us too. Maybe because it’s easier,
maybe because it’s expected or maybe because that’s
just the way it’s always been. It is also easier than ever
to find others who are clearly “like us“—as the
South Asian population continues to grow.
I don’t think this insular way of approaching the world is
only done by South Asians—it’s just that it’s
more evident to you because you are South Asian. While it’s
difficult to generalize, try reaching out to people of other groups
and asking them about the pressure they feel to remain within their
own racial or ethnic circles. My guess is that many of them will
be feeling similar kinds of pressure.
Remember, the innate drive to belong is a very
strong drive that still propels us, even in our sophisticated and
modern culture. We all want to belong, and we tend to seek acceptance,
which is often easiest to find with those who seem to be just like
us.
Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.
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