The best thing you can
do is focus on yourself. Find something to keep yourself occupied,
since sitting around with too much idle time to think can be torture.
Indulge in things that make you happy—whether that means a brownie
sundae or a French manicure! You might also want to try doing some
physical activity to relieve stress or take up a hobby or a class.
Learning a new skill will keep your mind busy and can help you feel
good about yourself.
It is also important to surround yourself with people
who care about you and to stay away from the unsupportive ones. Forming
positive attachments and feeling connected to people are necessary
steps in helping to regain a sense of trust.
As you feel yourself progressing, take some time
to think about lessons you might have learned by being in this relationship.
Are there some new things that you've discovered about yourself? Are
there things you've learned about what you want and don't want in
an intimate relationship?
Though you may not realize it now, there is a lot
to gain from having been a part of this relationship—all of
which will be revealed with time. So don’t avoid facing your
feelings of emptiness; instead, allow yourself to go through this
healing process in its entirety before you consider getting involved
in another relationship. Once you have done this you will find that
you are more open to trusting someone else, and will be ready to get
back on that horse!
QUESTION
I am separated from my husband, but I am involved with a married man,
who I know has been in a bad marriage for many years. Both his girls
are at a marriageable age, and he says that he can only move ahead
once they are settled. I am very concerned as to what will be the
outcome.
ANSWER
We're all seeking that special person—someone who can provide
us with happy and lasting love. Though it’s not always easy
to choose who you fall in love with, becoming involved with a married
person to the point of considering a future together can get very
complicated.
Though your boyfriend might be giving you the love and attention
you deserve, you have probably realized that dating a married man
also involves making a lot of sacrifices. The greatest of these is
that you are forced to take on the role of second-class citizen in
the relationship. You are expected to share his time and emotions
and may never be able to openly enjoy your relationship with him.
A married man will always be accountable to his wife and children.
Whether he stays with them or leaves, he will always be his children’s
father and will remain connected to his wife because of this. And
based on what you have said, it does not sound like your boyfriend
is ready to leave his family to commit to a relationship with you
at this point. Though he has told you that he is waiting for his children
to get married, you have no guarantee that he will ever leave. In
fact, statistics show that only around three percent of married men
leave their wives for their girlfriends.
Because it is easy to get wrapped up in the intricacy of the situation,
try taking a step back to clarify what you really want. If nothing
changes, are you satisfied with the current status of the relationship?
How comfortable are you with the level of trust in the relationship,
given that it originated with infidelity? Are you settling for less
than what you really want?
Hopefully you will realize that you deserve your
very own man! Don’t you want to spend your time wisely in a
healthy relationship that has a chance to flourish? If you do decide
that you want to continue dating your boyfriend, then recognize that
if he truly wants a monogamous relationship with you, he will make
it happen.
Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the
Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused
on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional
problems.
ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See
additional information.
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