Feature: Eye on Events

By Meera Jegathesan

Entertain the Etiquette in Every Event

Picture this: your wedding day is less than a week away and some of your guests still have not sent you their RSVP cards in the mail. The wedding venue has been pressuring you for the final head count for the reception for weeks, and the final attendance will impact your growing budget. Yet, these guests do not share in your sense of timing and urgency. Do their ignorance and lack of attention make your life more stressful, complicated and exasperating before what should be a happy occasion?

If this situation sounds familiar, you are not alone. Any event, from your own wedding to even a simple dinner party at home, should be a pleasant experience in which you bring people together for a common purpose. However, even the smallest misstep by either a host or a guest can cause unnecessary misunderstanding, grief and stress.

As human beings, we ideally aim to treat others the way we wish to be treated ourselves—whether it is at work, home, school, or even in public. While this concept may seem trivial to you and I, in actuality we tend to practice proper etiquette less often than we should. Below are simple, effective and tried-and-tested tips for proper etiquette for either the guest or host of any event.

If you are a guest at an event, please take note of the following:

Rules of the RSVP—Flakiness Is Underrated. Your host may set an RSVP date for an event to manage attendance in a timely manner. One person’s presence at the event may seem inconsequential to you, but it is actually very important for your host who may be paying for your own food and drink consumption and may already be on a tight budget. Consider the fact that your inability to be present at the event could mean that your host could splurge a little extra on that better label of wine or a more elegant wedding mandap (a canopy under which the bride and groom sit during a traditional South Asian wedding ceremony).

Always respond “yes” or “no” to your host by the RSVP date listed on the invitation. If you respond that you will be attending an event, then commit to showing up. Failing to appear in this case is not only a disappointment to your host, but is also a sign of poor character. If you have a good reason for missing the RSVP deadline or changing your reply, address it directly with the host as soon as possible without waiting until the last minute.

Plus One Doesn’t Mean Plus More. I planned a wedding a few years ago in which an invitation was extended to a married couple, yet their response on their RSVP card stated that five people would attend the event instead of the two people invited. The host faced an awkward predicament in which she was forced to contact the guests and advise them that they would not be able to bring the additional guests. Always be conscious of how the invitation is addressed and respond accordingly for only the guest(s) invited.

Punctuality is Perfection. Always be on time for an event. Punctuality might be more important for a more formal event like a wedding instead of an informal backyard barbecue at home, but it is still important for your host to stay on schedule. Allow yourself a fifteen-minute arrival window depending on the type of event you are attending and notify your host as soon as possible if you plan to be late.

Gift-Giving 101. My rule on gifts is that if the event is celebratory (for example, a birthday party or a wedding), or you have to ask yourself if bringing a gift is appropriate, then you should probably bring one. The etiquette of gift-giving varies for each type of event, but it’s always smart to learn about your host’s preferences so that your gift is thoughtful and appropriate for each occasion. For example, it is probably inappropriate to bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party if your host does not drink or is not planning to serve alcohol that evening. I also believe that the monetary value of the gift should be immaterial and that you should base the value of the gift on your relationship to the host or guest of honor. Finally, resist the temptation to “regift” (the act of repackaging a gift you have received in the past and giving the same gift to someone else) and commit thought into each gift you give.

Today, wedding registries make it easy for guests to select gifts that a bride and groom actually want. But what if a registry is not available, and you don’t know the bride and groom’s tastes well? In this case, it is perfectly appropriate to purchase a gift certificate to a home furnishing or department store. While the idea of a gift certificate might seem impersonal to you, the feedback I’ve received from brides and grooms suggests that they are actually quite useful. Alternative wedding gift ideas could be a dinner at a popular restaurant, tickets for a play, or a gift certificate for an activity that the couple could enjoy such as horseback riding, golf or a cooking class.

It is also perfectly appropriate to give money to a bride and groom on their wedding day, as money could go toward their savings or a new home. However, use your best judgment when considering money as a gift for other events. A check for $100 might seem suitable for a wedding, engagement party or child’s birthday party, but it is probably not the best choice for your boss’s fortieth birthday soiree. For simple, all-purpose gift ideas, consider flowers, a nice bottle of wine, an attractive coffee table book or a basket of nonperishable foods such as coffees, sauces, or chocolates.

The Art of Dining—Trivial or Too Much? We have hopefully all learned proper table manners at a young age, but bad habits are often hard to break.

Common table etiquette tips include:

- Don’t speak with your mouth full.
- Don’t take a sip of your drink while chewing your food.
- Don’t hog food in a communal or buffet meal setting.
- Always pass table items to your right side.
- Pass both the salt and pepper shakers together (even if a guest only requests the salt).
- When buttering your roll, tear each piece of the bread off gently, butter it and place it in your mouth.
- After your meal is complete, lay your fork and knife parallel to each other and across the middle of the plate.

Eating South Asian food can often be messy, so eat slowly, use your hands when appropriate and do not spill. If your hands become soiled or you create a spill, kindly excuse yourself from the table and clean yourself in the restroom.

Drinking Dos and Don’ts. What couldn’t be more appropriate than a glass of champagne to toast a special event like a wedding or housewarming party? What would a cocktail party be without a cocktail? Drinking alcoholic beverages is a fun way to celebrate an event, but it is important to be responsible and careful.

Don’t drink excessively to the point where your behavior or thinking is altered. Always pace your drink intake according to what your body can normally handle. Don’t mix too many types of alcoholic beverages since the result can make you extremely sick. Also, drink water as much as possible. Under no conditions should you drive a car after an event if you are in any way intoxicated. Ask a friend to drive you home or call for a taxi.

From Chatter to Commotion. Have you ever been at a business luncheon and, while the main presenter is speaking to all of the attendees, you hear people at the next table carrying on their own conversations, not paying attention to the speech? This type of situation tends to happen frequently at South Asian weddings in which ceremonies tend to be lengthy and do not involve the audience. Please do not speak during a speech, ceremony or performance because the effect could be distracting to the host and the other guests. Always ask yourself how you would feel if you were the one who was speaking and nobody was paying attention.

Thank You Goes a Long Way. Always thank your host for his or her hospitality at the conclusion of the event, and again on the day following the event. Your host probably worked tirelessly to make the event a positive experience for you, the guest. Sending an email is a conventional way to thank the host after the event, but a personal handwritten note in the mail from a guest is distinctive and offers a special touch.

If you are the host of an event, please take note of the following:

Inside the Invitation. The purpose of an invitation is to announce the event, educate your guests about its details and determine its attendance. However, think about the invitation as a means to set “ground rules” about your event in a way that is tasteful and convenient for your guests to follow. For example, address the invitation only to the guest(s) you want at the event and actually write the guest’s name on the RSVP card to avoid any misunderstanding. Always invite a couple as a whole if the couple is married or in a long-term relationship. It is entirely your choice whether to invite a single person with or without a guest. Do not feel compelled to allow a single friend to bring a guest unless you know that he or she is in a long-term relationship with that other person. As you can see, proper invitation etiquette can actually save you money!

Include a self-addressed, stamped envelope in the invitation for more formal events so a guest can easily complete the RSVP card and send it back to you. For informal events, list an email address or telephone number so guests can easily contact the host. Always set an RSVP date at least three weeks prior to your event to make sure your guests have enough time to respond and you have enough time to coordinate the details for the event. If there are guests that have not responded after the RSVP, it is perfectly acceptable to contact them directly to seek responses without waiting until the last minute.

List a start time for the event on the invitation that is thirty minutes prior to the actual start time. This ensures that guests have a sizeable window of time in which to arrive. Finally, while I do believe that a wedding invitation can state that a couple does not wish to receive gifts or boxed gifts, I still don’t think it is appropriate to list wedding registry details in the actual invitation. Ask a close friend or family member to communicate the registry details to your guests after the invitations go out.

Manage your Guests. A perfect host constantly and proactively interacts with his or her guests throughout the event. For example, greet your guests as they arrive, make them aware of what is available to them at the event and immediately offer them food and drink. As guests begin to depart, walk each guest to the door to say goodbye even if there are other guests still at the event. Enlist the help of family and friends to serve and socialize with guests as you circulate. As a bride and groom, attempt to move around the wedding hall slowly throughout the event to greet your guests. After all, your guests would most likely not attend the event if not for you!

The Child Dilemma. The question of whether or not to invite children to an event is often a source of stress and scrutiny. Children, particularly babies and toddlers, require constant adult supervision and, if left unattended, can trigger disruptions such as breakage of valuables and spills on the floor. Ask yourself if including children at the event will cause unnecessary stress for you the host and raise your budget. If a guest asks if he or she could bring a child to an adult-only event, it is perfectly acceptable to advise him or her that the event is for adults only and that you apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Think Outside the Box. It is very easy to get caught up in the details of your event, but it is always wise to know your guests; think carefully about their needs and prepare for any unforeseen occurrences to ensure an enjoyable event for all involved. For example, if you know that a large number of your guests will be arriving at your wedding in wheelchairs and the wedding ceremony room is one floor below the reception hall, do some research and inform your guests about the most accessible ways (for example, elevators and ramps) for them to move between floors. If you also know that you will have some vegetarian guests attending the wedding, ask your event manager to make a vegetarian entrée available during dinner. Your guests will appreciate your attention to these important details.

To Be or Not to Be Tidy? A good host always values cleanliness and clears dirty glasses, dishes, and trash when appropriate. Resist the urge to constantly clean the room and wash dishes during your event and spend as much time with your guests as possible. Move dirty glasses, dishes or trash to one empty table in the room, behind a screen or onto the kitchen counter and transport them to be cleaned after your last guest leaves. Keep cleaning supplies in close reach in the event a guest accidentally spills a drink so you can tend to it quickly and discreetly and then continue with the event.

A Positive Host Makes a Positive Event. The details of an event can often leave the host stressed, overworked and scatterbrained before, during, and after the big day. Remember to always stay positive and do not let your guests detect any anxiety in your face or voice. Smile and stay calm during any unexpected occurrences. Plan and prepare within an adequate amount of time before the event so you are not rushing around at the last minute.

An event is only as good as its host and its guests. The principles of proper etiquette might seem frivolous in the large scheme of life, but I do believe that many of us either do not understand or take for granted the path of politeness on a daily basis. An event is a time to celebrate a special occasion with friends, family and colleagues; by entertaining the etiquette in every event, you can make your next soiree more calm, enjoyable, and all the more hospitable!

Meera Jegathesan works as a sales manager and event planner for a major hotel company in the San Francisco Bay Area. She always thinks outside the box and her next big idea is just around the corner.

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