Living
Happily with Your Significant Other
When Sangeeta met Raj, there was an almost instantaneous attraction
between them. Raj was in town for the weekend, and Sangeeta met
him by chance at a local coffee shop. It was lunchtime and the only
empty chair was at her table. Raj took a chance and said hello.
The rest, as they say, is history. They began dating
long-distance, and the relationship continued to grow. Then, unexpectedly,
Raj’s job was relocated for a few months, and he and Sangeeta
would (finally!) be in the same town. They were both ecstatic! At
last, they could have a relationship like “normal” people
and see each other everyday. This seemed like the best thing that
could have ever happened.
Then, they began to talk about living together.
Raj brought it up, as it seemed to be the most logical, practical
thing to do—he was only going to be in town for a few months,
perhaps, and if he moved in with Sangeeta, he wouldn’t have
to
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Photo by Camilo Morales |
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go through the expense
of renting a short-term apartment, furnishing it or duplicating
all his belongings. His company was willing to pay for his stay
in an extended stay apartment, but Raj didn’t want to do
that when Sangeeta was living just a couple of miles away.
Sangeeta was initially hesitant; after all, what
would her parents say? How could she explain that she and Raj might
be living in the same place—sharing the same bedwhen they
weren’t yet married? But, then, practically speaking, it did
seem to make sense; it felt right. So Raj moved in. Soon after,
though, they started to fight and argue all the time.
Current statistics suggest that couples who live
together prior to marriage are actually more likely to get a divorce
after marrying. In 2002, the National Center for Health Statistics
offered that after ten years, the probability of a marriage ending
is 33 percent for non-cohabitants, while those who lived together
before marriage have a 65 percent probability of being divorced
within ten years after marrying. This means that living together
may more than double your chances of divorce. While each situation
is different, living together is not a decision to be taken lightly.
For South Asian women, in particular, there are various cultural
and social pressures at play. For instance, how do you tell your
parents that you’ve decided to live with your boyfriend?
As everyone has a different kind of relationship
with their parents, there is not one right way to tell them of your
decision to live together before marriage. There are, however, some
questions you should be able to answer prior to telling them. The
first question, “Why are you living together instead of getting
married?” is likely to be the biggest one, and you should
have a ready, honest and understandable answer composed beforehand.
The next question, “Do you plan to ever marry each other?”
is likely to be next, and again you should have a clear, honest,
thoughtful answer.
Understand that your parents, for the most part, are not going
to be swayed by financial arguments (as in, “We’re living
together to save money”) or time-management ones (as in, “This
way we can see each other all the time”). As a rule, your
parents will respond better if you have some deeper, more thoughtful
responses to their questions. They probably want to hear that this
relationship will lead to marriage. You shouldn’t lie, but
if you don’t think you’ll ever marry this man, why are
you considering living with him anyway? To your parents, demonstrate
that you understand the significance of this choice, and that you
have the maturity and integrity to consider it rationally and thoughtfully.
Keep in mind, too, that “serial monogamy” (where you
commit fully to person man, then that relationship ends, and you
commit to another, and that relationship ends, and so on) may result
in you being “too old” (in South Asian terms) and still
unmarried. As a South Asian woman, you need to weigh the pros and
cons of living together very carefully. If marriage is in your long-term
plan, you should have a clear sense of when this relationship will
lead to marriage. If there is no discussion of getting married,
you need to evaluate if living together now will limit your chances
to marry later. Don’t rush through this thought process. This
is your life you’re planning for.
If you’ve decided that you’re ready to live together,
you then need to consider several areas to negotiate and discuss
beforehand.
One of these areas is the amount of space you both
will be sharing. Obviously, smaller spaces will require a lot more
tolerance and negotiation than sharing a larger space. Ideally,
if possible, you want to live together in a space that has at least
two rooms. This way you each can have a place to be alone and have
privacy when you need it. You want to be flexible about how much
time you’ll spend together and apart. Initially, of course,
you’ll probably spend all of your free time with each other.
Over time, though, you’ll both want to have time to yourselves.
It’s easier to have this when you have enough living space
to physically separate when you need to.
A second area for discussion will be around division of expenses
and housework. This is an area that most people avoid talking about—money
and chores just aren’t that much fun! It’s important
to clarify how expenses will be shared, and how housework will be
completed. You should also determine who will be responsible for
paying common bills, and how money will be exchanged. (Money is
one of the two areas that couples fight about the most; so don’t
be surprised if this discussion becomes uncomfortable.)
There are at least two ways to manage your shared expenses. You
could open a joint checking account to which you each contribute
equally on a biweekly or monthly basis. Alternatively, you could
each split expenses and write two checks for each bill. Or, you
could divide up expenses so that you each are paying for an almost
equal share. For example, one of you could pay the electricity bill
of $60, and the other person could pick up the phone bill of $60,
and so on. Then, you would just want to even up your accounting
at least once a month so expenditures remain fair for both people.
A third area to talk about will be how you both will balance time
spent together with time spent apart. In Sangeeta and Raj’s
case, this was a major issue because Raj was moving to her town,
and, naturally, expected her to do most of the social planning.
Neither of them considered how they would negotiate time for Sangeeta
to see her friends, and how to do this in a way that didn’t
leave Raj feeling left out or lonely. What they ultimately agreed
on was that Sangeeta would see her friends once a week and would
let Raj know ahead of time so he could make other plans. He worked
late some of the nights, but also made plans on his own. He met
a few guys through work and started hanging out with them on the
nights Sangeeta went out with her friends. Both Sangeeta and Raj
noticed they had much more to talk about when they had spent some
time apart. It seemed to be more fun and interesting to reconnect
afterwards.
Finally, you should talk about how to handle disagreements or fights.
When you’re living together in a small space, it doesn’t
take much anger or hostility to make the environment unbearable.
Decide how you will end arguments and create some loving rituals
to “make up”. Some ideas for ending arguments might
be that you never let an argument go on longer than 15 minutes.
Set a timer when you start arguing and after 15 minutes, you have
to start making up or agree to table the discussion for another
time. It sounds strange, perhaps, but this technique can keep an
argument from spiraling out of control. Another idea would be to
take a time-out at the beginning so you both can calm down and then
find a way to discuss the issue more amicably. Current marital research
suggests that it doesn’t matter how much you fight if the
quality of your “making up” is very good. Create ways
to reconnect after disagreements so you can keep the basic fabric
of the relationship strong. Some examples of this might be sharing
in an activity together (like going for a walk, or watching a movie),
cuddling together on the couch or making love.
Choosing to live together is an important step
in any relationship. Every relationship requires tolerance, understanding,
and willingness to compromise. Living together can be frustrating,
tiring, exciting and fun, all at the same time. No matter what the
problems in your current (or contemplated) living arrangement, they
can be lessened. When you both have the same goals for your relationship,
focus on good communication and each take responsibility for yourselves,
your relationship will grow and thrive.
Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a licensed psychologist and professional coach who is regularly quoted in the national media. Based in the Washington DC metro area, Rachna can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.
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