| “marriageable age.”
The problem with this sort of intense focus on finding a spouse is
that it can cause us to lose perspective.
The fact that you have overcome the challenges of
your past relationship and are ready to move forward with your life
is something you should be proud of. Your situation would have been
far worse had you decided to get married and start a family, only
to have the relationship end or to have remained unhappily a part
of it.
You expressed some concern about being in your early
30s; however, more and more women are starting a family later in life—largely
as a result of increased educational opportunities and career choices.
A significant benefit of getting married at a later age is that women
often know themselves better and have a clearer idea of what they
are looking for in a spouse. They also tend to be wiser and are more
secure with themselves, which enables them to become capable parents.
That said, there is no need to give up on your dreams!
Instead, try to maintain a positive attitude and begin to take action
on the things that are in your control, and let go of those that aren’t!
Here are some ways in which you can act to meet a Desi man:
Join a South Asian organization - Whether
you are volunteering your time or attending a happy hour event, you
are likely to meet people who you will have something in common with.
Attend a conference - Numerous South Asian
groups hold annual professional conferences. This is especially helpful
if you live in an area that does not have a large South Asian population—you
can travel to the place where the conference is being held and it
is not an ongoing commitment.
Take up a new hobby or a class - This is
always a good way to meet people who share your interests. Additionally,
starting something new can be exciting, and positive energy usually
attracts more people.
Network - Engaging in some of the above activities
will allow you to not only meet potential mates, but to meet people
who will know of potential mates and will want to introduce
you to them. The goal is to socialize and try to meet new people wherever
you go. The more people you meet, the better your chances of meeting
the right person.
Online dating - Another very helpful way
to meet people is through online dating and matrimonial sites that
cater specifically to South Asians. You’d be surprised at the
number of sites that come up when you enter the words “South
Asian Dating” in a search engine. The internet can open you
up to a whole new world of people, where you can screen user profiles
to meet your criteria. This is a great tool for introductions, but
be sure to meet face-to-face early on to determine if you really are
compatible. (This should be done in a public place to ensure safety!)
Until you meet the Desi man of your dreams, it is important to build
a community of friends and to find other types of pleasure in your
life. Do not lose yourself in the process. Remember: if we are happy
with ourselves, good things will come to us!
QUESTION
I've never had sex before, but my boyfriend doesn't know that. If we do have sex, would he come to know that I was a virgin? I don't want him to know that I am. In other words, would he feel a difference? And also, is there a lot of blood when you first have sex?
ANSWER by Dipika Dandade
The “first time” can be one of the most vivid memories
of our lives—for some it’s a miserable experience, to
others it is a fairy tale, and to others, still, a hurdle to be over
and done with. While one person may choose to lose his or her virginity
to a one night stand, another may make it a romantic evening with
a first love. Regardless of how the first time comes about, it’s
safe to say that sex improves with experience.
I think that you need to ask yourself what it is that you want out
of your first sexual experience. Is this something that you’ve
been planning for and looking forward to? Do you want the person you
are sharing it with to treat the loss of your virginity as something
sacred and special? Or, would you be okay with letting the event pass
without much fanfare? My guess is that you’re willing to let
the enormity of it slide. From what you’ve written, your boyfriend
isn’t aware that you’ve never had sex, and it doesn’t
seem as though you’re in any hurry to tell him. You probably
have your reasons for keeping it from him. But, keep in mind that
he may want to know. It may be a big deal to him. And, it may mean
that he takes things a little more slowly and stays more attuned to
making you comfortable.
Let me reassure you—your boyfriend may not
necessarily be able to tell that you are a virgin. First, it may be
that you have done everything (various types of foreplay, such as
oral sex) but vaginal intercourse before. If that’s the case,
he may just assume you’ve gone all the way previously. And,
it may also be that you’re comfortable enough with your body
and his body to maneuver your way through the first time.
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