Some couples are able
to manage their differences and come to a healthy understanding
of themselves and each other. For other couples, though, what was
supposed to be a fairytale marriage starts to unravel in talk of
divorce.
According to the United States Census Bureau, the
current divorce rate in the United States is currently around 30
to 40 percent; this means that roughly one-third of all marriages
end in divorce within ten years. For those who live together before
marriage, the rate of divorce doubles to about 65 percent within
ten years. For those who have been divorced previously and then
remarry, the divorce rate is somewhat higher than 30 to 40 percent.
While the national divorce rate has declined over the past few years,
the South Asian divorce rate seems to be about 13 to 16 percent.
Lower than the national average, yes; however, the South Asian divorce
rate seems to be holding steady, rather than declining.
As always, statistics are fine but do very little to help when
you’re the one going through a divorce.
Divorce, like any other life change, brings with it an enormous
amount of stress. It’s not just stress about the life changes,
which are significant, but it’s also the stress of having
to adopt a new identity (being single), dealing with community and
cultural pressures and then, eventually, reentering the world of
dating (which you might have been ecstatic to leave the first time.)
In terms of defining the stress associated with divorce, the Holmes-Rahe
scale is a measure of significant life events, assigning each one
a certain “life crisis” unit which corresponds to the
amount of stress that an event creates in one’s life. The
highest life crisis unit is 100, the death of a spouse. Closely
following that is divorce, ranking at 73. The greater the number
of life crisis units in your life in any two year period, the greater
your chances of becoming moderately to severely ill. Life changes
bring with them significant health issues in the physical, emotional
and mental realms.
When you are going through a divorce, the most important thing
to give yourself is space, time and support. You will need emotional
and physical “space” to sort out all the issues associated
with divorce. You may need to find a new place to live or become
accustomed to living alone in a place you formerly shared with your
spouse. You need emotional space to sift through your feelings and
try to make some meaning for what happened and why.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a well-known psychologist, developed a five-stage
process for dealing with grief. If you’ve taken a basic psychology
course, you may be familiar with this model, but let’s look
at it applied to the concept of divorce.
The five stages of dealing with grief are:
1. Denial: You feel numb, “dazed”
and can’t believe this is happening.
2. Anger: You feel angry and ask yourself “How dare he (or
she) do this to me?
3. Bargaining: You make “deals” with yourself (or God).
“If I do this, then please bring him or her back to me
4. Depression: You feel sad, empty and blue.
5. Acceptance: You begin to heal from the loss and start to feel
hopeful about the future.
Now, this process is just a model, and everyone’s
process will be different. The stages can also be moved through
fluidly; for instance, some people may bargain before they feel
anger, and some people may feel anger before they move to denial.
Also, the process of moving through the stages is not always progressive:
you can be making good progress to acceptance and then something
can set you back to anger.
If you’re in the process of a divorce, you can expect to
feel:
Denial: You may feel numb, shocked and dazed.
This usually happens just after the decision has been made or when
you’ve received the news (in cases where you didn’t
make the choice to seek a divorce). You know you’re in denial
when you wake up in the morning and feel fine for a few seconds
before you “remember” that you’re getting a divorce.
Though denial generally is thought to be a negative state, it actually
has positive benefits in this case. Denial is your body’s
way of buffering you from extreme pain or devastation. You will
move through the denial when you’re ready.
In the denial stage, you might find yourself taking lots of time
to complete routine tasks. You might feel listless, low energy and
feel like doing nothing. These periods of low energy might be followed
by times where you are anxious and push yourself to stay extremely
busy. Busyness is always a good way to distract yourself from any
kind of emotional pain; however, if it goes on too long, you avoid
dealing with your feelings, which can keep you in denial much longer
than necessary.
Anger: This one may be easier to identify. Anger
is the stage where you feel furious about what’s happening,
which may be combined with feelings of powerlessness or helplessness
because you can’t change what is occurring. You might feel
“riled up” and may be prone to making rash decisions
or bad choices. At this stage, you just want to do anything you
can to stop feeling bad, and you might make significant changes
in your appearance (for example, cutting off your long hair or starting
to dress provocatively) or your personal habits (like staying out
all night, drinking more heavily).
Although South Asian women generally are taught that anger should
be avoided, it’s actually a necessary step in the healing
process. I always think of anger as a “rising up” of
our internal survival instinct and drive. The key here is to channel
your anger appropriately and not to do anything which may have negative
repercussions for you later.
Social support is very critical for moving through the anger stage.
You want to spend time with people who love and support you. Avoid
people who are critical or tell you to “work it out”
when you’ve already determined it can’t be done.
Bargaining: This stage is reflected in those “little”
games we all play with ourselves like, “If I do this, then
this will happen” (“If I see a red car, it means he
will call me today”). This stage is also very necessary for
overcoming divorce because it represents a place for us to try out
different patterns of behavior and different kinds of solutions.
In this stage, as you keep looking for coincidences, your mind is
actually working to find solutions.
The bargaining stage is the one where you are most likely to try
to rekindle your relationship. You’ve moved through denial,
and anger and may be able to view the situation from a broader and
wiser perspective. Your initial rush of confusion or hesitation
may be gone, and you start to consider what should be done from
here.
For South Asians, this may be a time of decision: are you going
to try and work it out, or not? In our culture, this is the time
where family and friends are likely to step in and try to help.
They may act as referees or go-betweens, which can be both helpful
and harmful—helpful if you and your spouse agree on what needs
to happen, harmful if one of you wants the relationship back and
the other doesn’t.
Depression: Depression is the point where you
cry a lot and maybe feel yourself starting to let go of certain
fantasies you had about your relationship. This stage may be marked
by low energy, frequent bouts of crying and a dimmed sense of optimism.
For most South Asians, this stage is also accompanied by intense
anxiety. Anxiety is a huge part of the divorce process and may move
you to do strange things. You may have trouble sleeping, eating
or getting through a day without feeling fearful of the future.
You might have to deal with economic issues like living on just
one salary, especially if your spouse made significantly more than
you. You also need to find ways to fill your time, because if you
don’t plan something to do, you may find yourself sitting
home weekend after weekend, alone.
The depression stage can be one of the most challenging to move
through, especially for a culture that prizes action over stillness.
In this stage, you may be hearing a lot of well meaning (but badly
timed) advice about “going out and dating again.” Although
this can be tempting, it’s better to give yourself a break
from dating for a while. Dating requires a certain amount of resilience
which you might not have just yet. Spend time with your friends
and give your heart a chance to heal before starting any new romantic
relationships. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best
you can.
Acceptance: This is the final stage of the grief
process. It is marked by a time of renewed hope and clear thinking.
In the early stages of acceptance, you notice that you’re
starting to feel happier, and more hopeful. As acceptance progresses,
you start to get through the day without thinking of the divorce
or your ex, and you start to move ahead in your life and career
goals. In this stage, you might accept a new position or move to
a new place. You might try out new activities and discover a new
hobby. You feel like you’re back on confident ground. Your
sleeping and eating patterns return to normal, your energy is back,
and you feel more capable than you have in a long time.
This is the best part of the divorce process, when you’ve,
as I say, “run through hell and then come out the other side.”
This is a time for you to start planning your life and working towards
your goals. It may be time to get back into the dating scene, armed
with new knowledge and information about what you’re looking
for.
Nobody gets married planning to be divorced. Like any other life
change, divorce brings with it a unique set of challenges and rewards.
The key is to find a way to navigate the challenges while remaining
open to the unexpected gifts. In doing so, you can be sure that
you will always be doing the best you can, with where you are and
with what you’ve got. Nobody could expect more.
Dr. Rachna D. Jain is a consulting psychologist
and the author of Overcome Rejection, The SMART Way. She is regularly
quoted in the national media and can be reached online at http://www.rachnajain.com.
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