Parenting

By Ashini J. Desai

Making Time for Yourself

Last month we focused on organizing your life to make the days run more smoothly for you and your children. Now that you’ve saved time helping everyone else, use it for yourself. Remember the emergency procedures provided on airplanes? They always instruct parents to place the oxygen mask on themselves before assisting the child. If the parent can’t breathe, who would help the child? Therefore, the more physically and emotionally healthier you are, the better you can serve your family. Here are some suggestions for small steps toward energizing and refreshing your whole being.

Make Time to Workout.
Gym membership has its advantages. You’re already maintaining calendars for the family. Why not add scheduled classes or designate certain days as gym days? Take advantage of the childcare offered at many gyms; you can work out while your child plays on-site. With regular attendance, your child will get to know other children and the attendants.

There are also many options for at-home workouts. Many women use the early morning hours in a sleepy house to perform true Surya Namaskar poses or jump on the treadmill. Otherwise, videos, televised or On-Demand exercise programs allow flexible programs. Even 15 minutes of Pilates is better than 15 minutes of not exercising. Exercise choices now are so diverse: cardio, belly dancing, yoga, pilates or bhangra–it’s your pick!

Although you need to stay committed to yourself, it is sometimes easier when you join forces. I know someone who meets neighborhood running enthusiasts to jog in the mornings. My friends and I join each other for Tuesday evening bhangra video workouts.

No matter what type of exercise you choose, remember the benefits will multiply. By making time for your own health, you’ll help your family. You’ll have more energy as you build up your stamina and heart muscles. I admit that as an exhausted, sleep-deprived new mom, I used to fall asleep during the relaxation part of my yoga class. However, sweating in the cardio classes helped me lose pregnancy weight. I realized I had to enlist others’ support as well (for example, finding someone to watch the baby during my gym time).

Another pleasant benefit is that children are more likely to be physically active if their parents are. If your children see you being active, they will follow your lead. Take your children for bike rides or go for walks in the park. Go with your partner and take turns watching the child while the other jogs.

Photos by Camilo Morales

Find Time for Women in your Life.
We should not feel guilty or deny ourselves the opportunity to spend time with other women in our lives. We can find inspiration and empathy from other women who are in our shoes or else in the shoes we would like to wear someday.

The major shock of motherhood for me was how unprepared I was, in spite of all the articles, mailings lists and books I read. When I spoke candidly with female friends, I realized how similar and different our experiences were. Those initial discussions were so valuable in forming my acceptance of motherhood. Most of all, it was the assurance that I wasn’t alone and everyone had challenges.

In almost all societies, women talk to other women. In traditional joint families, women help nurture children and are better prepared for motherhood. Even our grandmothers sat on front steps shelling peas, chopping vegetables and engaging in animated discussions. There is so much we can learn and share with other women. The exchange of ideas and emotional reassurance is so important in the role of a mother, since everything is undefined.

The best place to look for support is within our own families. At first, I argued with my aunts who forced me to eat ghee-laden food and Ayurvedic mixes prescribed for lactation. Now, I look to them for tips on balancing motherhood as well as the secrets to favorite family recipes. I am in awe of their experiences and successes as immigrant mothers.

Spending time with my girlfriends always makes me feel more energized. The dynamics change with our old friends after husbands and kids appear. It’s hard to juggle schedules, but we keep in touch through email or unlimited minutes on weekends. Ask the men to watch the kids while the ladies go to a restaurant that doesn’t offer a free toy with a meal. Try alternative activities like painting pottery or a formal tea party using your wedding china. The idea is to talk and engage in conversation, which women do so well and easily.

Cultivate a Hobby.
Find activities that you enjoy without your children or partner. To enjoy her hobby, Jyoti used to leave the house early on Saturday mornings. Her husband and three boys were still sleeping. She researched and mapped her route in advance. She was going to garage sales. While she got her bargains, she more importantly had a few hours to herself before devoting the rest of the weekend to her family. It’s not a typical hobby, but she felt passionate and looked forward to it.

I wake up early on weekends to find my quiet time to write, read or simply browse online. Once the family awakens, it’ll be a whirlwind day of activities and social commitments.

A hobby does not always need to be a solitary activity. Bina is an accomplished Bharat Natayam dancer and finds her release by working with young dancers and choreography for local South Asian associations.

Another idea is to check a community college or YMCA course catalog. They offer classes on topics like personal finance, self-improvement, Italian cooking and wine-tasting. These opportunities don’t ask for much commitment and have lasting rewards. Another idea is to gather a few friends to create a book club or a monthly gourmet club and rotate locations.

Do Nothing.
Meditation and quiet moments have the best rewards. Just sit in your favorite place in the home and clear your mind. Listen to your breath.

Overcoming “The Guilt”
Sometimes we instinctively feel guilty if we are not spending enough time with our family or need to ask for help. One time, my friends and I planned a spa day, but our friend Pooja, a stay-at-home-mother, was hesitant to go. She would have to leave her baby with her husband or impose on her in-laws. We reminded her that it was three hours at the spa plus travel time. When she looked at it as measured time rather than “a whole day,” it made it easier for her to negotiate with herself. Her husband stepped up and she had a fabulous time. We have to make choices in life. Asking for help to enjoy life is perfectly acceptable.

Don’t forget to spend time enjoying the most important person in your life–yourself. It’s important to remember who you were before you became a mom, a wife and a grown-up.

Ashini J. Desai is a software professional, full-time mother and wife, and a creative writer for various websites, including her own blogsite, www.ashinid.blogspot.com.

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