Love and Sex Prescription

By Anju Mulchandani

QUESTION
I have been seeing a guy for the last six years and now, after getting engaged, we have had sex for the first time. Neither of us regrets it, as we don't think it was a mistake, but what pinches me is that he made it feel so easy, and explained each and every thing during intercourse. For example, he told me about what I would go through, and much more about positioning. On the other hand, I knew nothing before this. I want to believe that he was also a virgin, but ever since that day I feel like he is experienced and must have had sex before. Am I right, or is this just insecurity? How do I know that I was the first for him? Please help.

ANSWER
Most women hope that their first sexual experience will be a memory to cherish forever. The fact that you waited until you were in a stable, committed relationship probably means that you were hoping for the same. To have this experience tainted by doubts about your fiancé’s honesty must be quite upsetting.

However, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that you do not have any evidence that your fiancé has been dishonest with you. It is entirely possible that he has done some research on the topic, or that maybe he was just more comfortable during sex.

On the other hand, if you feel strongly that you have been lied to, think about why this is so. Has your fiancé been dishonest in the past? Do you have any other reason to believe that he was not a virgin?

Before you jump to conclusions, the best thing to do is to ask him. But remember not to come across as accusatory, since this may make him defensive and less likely to open up to you. Open and honest communication is an essential part of your relationship, especially since you are engaged to be married.

Once you have had a conversation, it is up to you to decide whether or not you are satisfied with the outcome. Remember, you should feel comfortable with the situation if you are going to begin a life together.

QUESTION
I am a 30-year-old female and haven't had intercourse before. I have had other sexual experiences. I currently don't have a boyfriend but would be embarrassed to admit that I am a virgin at this age (even though I am just waiting for the right one). Sometimes I feel like I just want to get it over with so I can stop worrying about becoming the female version of the "40-year-old virgin." Can you please provide some advice on how to handle my situation?

ANSWER
In a society as sexually-charged as our own, feeling pressured to have sex is understandable. Whether it’s from music, magazines or movies, there is an immense amount of pressure placed on women to be sexually active. Between suggestive attire and the sexually-explicit content, the media send the message that everyone is doing it!

On one hand, embracing one’s sexuality can be empowering, and being able to talk about it without shame or guilt is healthy. But being South Asian in this country adds another dimension to sex. South Asians are often conflicted about the conservative ideas of sex that are common to our culture and the more open view that reflects American society. This conflict can lead to the frustration you are feeling now—the “let’s get it over with” attitude.

However, this attitude may not be the best approach to such a complex subject. The reality is that there are many factors to consider when making the decision to be intimate with someone. There are physical factors such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, as well as emotional factors to consider. Therefore, it is important to feel comfortable about this decision.

Based on what you have said, it seems that waiting for the right person will allow you to feel comfortable. If this is the case, then do not lower your standards because of your age or what others might think. At the end of the day, we have to be true to ourselves and make decisions that we know we can live with.