QUESTION
I recently started dating this guy who is extremely into me. We have
been dating for a month now. I think he is fabulous, but I just got
out of a long term, long distance relationship. I happen to know that
he is very into sex. I do not know how to tell him that I am not ready
for a sexual relationship quite yet. How do I break this bad news
to someone who is so nice and so crazy about me?
ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
For many of us, growing up South Asian meant that we were expected
to be on our best behavior at all times. Being polite was of utmost
importance (though what was said about aunty when she wasn't around
was a different story!). We were, in essence, learning to be 'people
pleasers'—to be well-liked by pleasing people we deemed important
in our lives.
This desire to please affects many areas of our lives, including relationships,
as you have described. To a certain degree, it is just necessary diplomacy
without which we would get nowhere. Furthermore, being in a romantic
relationship with someone makes us more inclined to want to please
them. However, the line between being agreeable and being self-assertive
can become blurred, leading us to feel obligated to do things we don’t
necessarily want to do.
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Photo by Camilo Morales |
| In this situation, you
probably feel as though you will be disappointing your friend if you
tell him you are not ready for a sexual relationship. However, it
is important not to try to please him at the expense of what you feel
comfortable with. When speaking with him, be sure not to do it when
you are in bed. Pick a time when you will be able to have a calm conversation.
It is necessary for you to be true to yourself and to make decisions
that you know are right for you. If you keep this in mind when you
tell him you are not ready to be sexually intimate, you will feel
more comfortable standing your ground. If he cannot accept what you
have to say, then you might need to reevaluate whether dating him
is right for you.
QUESTION
I am in my mid-thirties and have always used condoms rather than the
birth control pill because I didn't want to have any problems getting
pregnant when the time came. I was having dinner with a friend and
she told me I was wrong about the birth control pill hindering your
ability to have children after you've stopped using it. Can you settle
our debate?
ANSWER by Dipika Dandade
Both of you are correct...and incorrect. Basically, your ability to
become pregnant after discontinuing birth control depends on which
birth control method you are using.
Barrier forms of birth control such as condoms,
spermicides, and the diaphragm will not affect future fertility. So,
in your case, you are doing the right thing by using condoms. When
you do decide to become pregnant, your history of condom use will
not hinder your chances of becoming pregnant. However, keep in mind,
the longer you put off pregnancy, the more difficult it may become
to get pregnant. As we move into our thirties, the quality of our
ova decreases and thus, fertility rates decrease.
Hormonal forms of birth control do have the potential
of delaying fertility. Depo-Provera, an injectable form of progesterone
given every three months, is known to delay ovulation, and thus the
ability to become pregnant, for up to a year. So, it would be reasonable
to avoid this medication if you hope to become pregnant soon after
stopping the medication. However, remember that Depo-Provera is a
great birth control choice for many women, including those who tend
to forget to take the pill every day or to change their ring or patch
at the appropriate time.
The birth control pill, the patch (Ortho-Evra),
and the ring (Nuvaring) should not cause any delays in ovulation.
After discontinuation of these medications, ovulation should resume
the very next month. One caveat is that, on occasion, a woman might
experience what is called post-pill amenorrhea. This is when a woman
does not ovulate or menstruate after stopping the birth control pill.
If bleeding does not resume in three to six months, a doctor should
be consulted for an examination and possible lab tests.
Good luck to you when you do decide to go down the path of motherhood.
If you do not become pregnant after six months of actively trying,
be sure to see your physician to make sure that you do not have any
other health issues affecting your fertility.
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