Parenting

By Ashini J. Desai

Indulge Me!

It’s all over the media these days—a generation of children is growing up coddled and indulged. Parents are intervening with their children’s development by succumbing to their wishes, often before a child has wished for it. The parents end up compromising their own values and their own roles as parents.

In September 2006, Newsweek ran a story titled “The Power of No,” which studied the current generation of parents who are affluent and established because they have had children later in life. As a result, many of these parents have made a habit of overindulging their children.

Such overindulgence may be material, such as 10-year-olds listening to High School Musical on their $250 iPods or text messaging their friends on their latest cell phones. It also may be taking extreme measures to protect and pamper their children or interfering with teachers and other adults.

Giving your children special gifts is not necessarily a bad thing. Some parents have arrangements with their children. For example, only when certain academic goals are achieved will they receive something special. Or they may only receive special gifts on birthdays. Such plans are fine, but the problem occurs when children don’t value what they have and feel automatically entitled to more. If there’s always an outstretched hand waiting for the next gift, that’s a problem.

Even if material gifts are reasonable, parents might still be overindulging children in other ways. An example is a family where a mother or father does everything to take care of everyone’s needs, from cleaning the children’s bedrooms to packing their school and activity bags to working on homework projects. While it seems like a warm and thoughtful expression of nurturing, sometimes the parent can actually hinder the children’s development of life skills. Rather than learning common skills, they become dependent on others to cook, clean, do laundry or manage finances among other things. It is frustrating and challenging to learn some of these things at a later age like when children move out on their own. Even a small task such as having the child play host to their own friends will help set the confidence they will need for socializing as an adult.

Researchers Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft have conducted studies and learned that overindulged children grow into adults who feel inadequate because they lived in a world of instant gratification. They’ve accelerated through their life with their whims fulfilled. They expect the same service from others and will manipulate others if necessary. This will obviously cause conflicts in personal and professional relationships. Also, many young people find themselves in debt or even bankrupt because they want to live the lifestyle they had when their parents footed the bill.

Here are some steps to lead your child away from an overindulged existence and towards independence:

- Decision-making Opportunities: Give your children some age-appropriate opportunities to make decision. This doesn’t mean they run the show. Instead, you can provide choices or allow them to resolve a problem on their own. For example, “You can get a big birthday party or you can get a special gift. Not both.” More importantly, they need to take ownership of the consequences of their decisions.

- No Means No (Not Yes After Enough Whining): Children will ask for the moon and work you down until they end up with at least a handful of stars. Stay alert to their tactics. Be consistent with your response–no. Just because something is within your means doesn’t mean you should concede. Yes, it’s only a $5 toy that your child wants. It’s not going to break your budget. However, it teaches your child that every visit to a store means a new toy. Before I enter a store with my five-year-old daughter, we discuss the purpose of our trip–“We are here to buy a gift for Dada’s birthday.” Doing so, expectations are set and my daughter realizes that she will not get a present every time we go to the mall.

- Teach Values by Example: When children see their parents try to “keep up with the Kumars,” they will remember and naturally try to do the same. You lose your credibility when you tell them not to compete with other kids for the latest “toys,” while you buy a television which is larger than your sofa just to make sure it’s bigger than your neighbor’s.

- Team Up: Talk to other parents and jointly determine boundaries. For example, restrict certain video games. This way, children can’t pull the old, “Well, Raj’s mom let him have that video game” trick. You will know she hasn’t because both of you have had a discussion about what is acceptable for your children.

- Pay Attention to Their Friends: You can’t change how others raise their kids, but you can control what you do with yours. If possible, steer your children away from playmates who you think might be a bad influence.

- Don’t Become a Walking ATM: Children should learn the value of earning and saving. The concept of an “allowance” as a weekly payment for chores or good behavior is not widely accepted in our culture. Most South Asians believe everyone should work in the household or earn good grades without a reward. However, an allowance does have its benefits because children need to understand the value of money. If they realize how many “pennies” it takes to buy a certain toy, they may pause before asking. One friend’s son actually became an enthusiastic saver when he learned about earning interest. Find interesting and appropriate ways to show your child the value of money.

- Difference Between “Want” and “Need”: Explain to your child the difference between these two words. In the self-centered world of children, these two words are identical.

- Watch the attitude! Remember that one of the core South Asian family values is to respect the elders. Your parents and grandparents made sure you understood those. You addressed and greeted elders a certain way, you served them first, offered your seat and so on. Listen to the way your child speaks to you and others. Don’t permit sassiness or back talk. Make sure your children say “Please” and “Thank you” to you and to others. When they receive a gift, the giver should be acknowledged appropriately.

- Face the Music: Many times parents indulge their child to avoid conflict. Rather than facing a tantrum or a public confrontation, the parents surrender to the child’s demands. Remember who the parent is and what you want to teach. You may have to walk out of the store and leave your cart behind.

It is hard to remember to do all these things and, on occasion, we will yield. It won’t make us bad parents, nor will it make our children spoiled brats. However, it is how we handle the next situation that is key.

Ashini J. Desai is a software professional, full-time mother and wife, and a creative writer for various websites, including her own blogsite, www.ashinid.blogspot.com.

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