| Based on what you have said, it seems
as though you are eager to meet the right person. While this is a
completely normal desire (or maybe it’s parental pressure),
it might also be part of the problem.
This intense focus on meeting the right person puts a lot of pressure
on a first date, preventing you from simply having a good time, even
if you get along. The pressure is accompanied by high expectations,
which generally can’t be met so early in the dating process
and will inevitably lead to disappointment. So at the end of the date,
you haven’t had much fun, and all of a sudden you picture yourself
serving chai to your in-laws, decide that this is not for you and
prevent a potential relationship from ever getting started.
In the midst of all this pressure, it can be hard to feel chemistry,
even if you do find the person appealing in some way. I’m not
disputing the fact that chemistry plays an important role in the initial
stages of dating. However, chemistry is complicated and though it
is sometimes very obvious, it is also entirely possible for it to
develop over time. People who might not initially be attracted to
one another often develop an attraction after getting to know each
other better.
But again, this can only happen if you try to enjoy yourself. As
you are doing this, remember that you don’t have to make any
big decisions for a while. You have nothing to lose by having a few
laughs and giving your date a chance!
QUESTION
I am an Indian woman who has been sexually active in the past, but
I've been celibate for two years now. I am dating an African-American
man, and things are getting so serious with us that I am thinking
of taking the next step with him and becoming intimate. Is it true
that after years of non-usage, the vagina can become small again?
What do I do?
ANSWER by Dipika Dandade
If I understand correctly, it seems that after a couple of years of
not having had intercourse, you are concerned that your vagina may
be too small to accommodate your partner. In my practice, I have one
definite rule—never say never. But, in general, your vagina
should not revert to what it was in your virginal days. It should
still maintain enough laxity to allow penile penetration relatively
easily. Keep in mind that when it comes to intercourse, one size does
not always fit all. What I mean to say is that though you’ve
been sexually active before, you might find it uncomfortable when
you are intimate with a man who is well-endowed. On the other hand,
you might find that a man with a penis on the smaller side doesn’t
stimulate you.
It sounds as though you’ve been with your boyfriend
for a while or at least long enough to trust him. He’s probably
aware of your two-year hiatus from sex. Just ask him to take it slow.
If you are at all uncomfortable during intercourse, let your partner
know. Make sure that you are lubricated well prior to penetration.
You might want to use a lubricant such as KY Jelly. If, after a few
attempts, you don’t feel like you can accommodate him easily,
you may want to try mechanical dilation and relaxation. Have him use
his fingers or you can purchase dilators to try to help increase your
vaginal capacity. Make sure that you are not subconsciously tightening
your muscles. Sometimes fear or pain can cause you to contract your
muscles, making the vaginal vault tighter.
Basically, you won’t know until you try. Enjoy your first time
together and don’t worry—this is a big moment in the making
for your relationship!
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