When my daughter was
born, I didn’t know whom she was. I didn’t know if I
loved her or not. I felt as if I had been fed all these ideas and
no one told me the truth.
It took time, but I got it. I fell overwhelmingly
in love with my daughter a few days later when I was nursing her
in the quiet hours of the morning. At six weeks she smiled, and
I was thrilled to finally receive appreciation for my hard work!
The permanency of my new role as a mother hit me. Rather than resisting
the change, I began to accept it. Breastfeeding got better after
a month, and I adjusted my workouts to my meet my body’s capabilities.
Myth: “Beti (Daughter) has
just been born? What a nice time for the Aunties to visit!”
My daughter was born on
a Wednesday, and we came home that Friday. That weekend, we had
a houseful of visitors from uncles, aunts, friends and coworkers
who happened to be in the area. Hosting guests was overwhelming
for all of us. As a new mother, I had no idea why my baby was crying
or what I was doing; we only met two days before, and I was quite
hormonal. It was not the time for social engagements.
I tried to advise a South Asian friend about this once, and he
shook his head helplessly. South Asian culture has such strong social
and family connections. How could you tell relatives not to come?
They all mean well. However, remind them the baby is not going anywhere
and set a date for guests to visit. Some communities have baby naming
or other traditional ceremonies, which are perfect ways to have
everyone come meet the baby at once. Ironically, the people who
waited to visit us had small children, and they understood our situation
before we did.
Myth: “You’ll spoil your baby if you hold him
so much!”
Hold your baby as much as he wants you to hold him. Do not listen
to people who say you are spoiling him. A spoiled child is manipulative
and knows how to change a situation to his advantage. A newborn
infant is not capable of that. For at least six months, hold and
coddle that child as much as he or she needs. At this age, all that
they know how to do is tell you what they want.
I remember people said, “You’ll learn the cries.”
How could I? They all sound the same. Look for patterns in the cries
and their facial expressions. Somehow, it will seem so apparent
to you, while others are scratching their heads. You’ll be
surprised how well your baby communicates.
Myth: “I don’t think she’s eating enough.”
In a South Asian family, there will always be someone telling you
that your child is not getting enough food. Remember, a child will
not starve himself. When he is hungry, he will tell you. Keep that
in mind later when there is more food on the floor than in the tummy.
During your first week with your child, write down
how often your child feeds and for how long. This will help you
judge when feeding times are approaching. It is important also not
to feed too frequently. If your child is a “snacker”
or is drinking small quantities of milk or formula frequently, space
the feedings and increase the quantity. Your child will be hungrier,
consume more and will stay fuller longer.
Myth: “I made this Ayurvedic mixture for you. It
will help you lactate/make your baby sleep/hair grow/flatten your
belly.”
Women in my family came bearing all sorts of ghee and fenugreek-laden
dishes. Fenugreek is known to help lactation. However, I refused
to eat anything with excess ghee. My theory is that most Indian
women probably did not have the opportunity to relax and indulge
in sweets. Therefore, they devised a guise of the new mother needing
additional nourishment, conveniently found in sweets soaked in ghee!
Decide what you choose to take. I accepted some liquid mixtures,
pretending it was herbal tea and added a bit of sweetener.
Myth: “The baby needs vitamins/water/cereal/gripe
water!”
Are you torn between following the advice from both sets of grandparents?
I made an agreement that we would find an impartial voice–the
pediatrician. I promised to adhere to the pediatrician’s advice
and they would too. I allowed them to pose their concerns to the
doctor and let the doctor make the decision.
Myth: “I am this baby’s nani (grandmother)!
I raised three kids!”
The role of grandmothers is wonderful. Do not assume they will be
taking care of the baby, which is your job. I was shocked to see
how my mother changed a diaper or fed cereal to my daughter. We
asked, “Are you sure you raised three kids?” Of course
she did–30 years ago!
If you involve a grandparent, allow him or her to take care of
you by preparing meals or playing with the baby while you catch
up on sleep. It is important to have help. If you’re unable
to have a family member assist, do look for outside help like a
nanny or a housekeeper. You need someone to help you stay sane.
Unfortunately, I had to become a mother to appreciate and recognize
my own mother. Now I see the sacrifices she had made and struggles
she had faced. I now understand the unconditional love between a
mother and a child.
It truly is the hardest job in the world, but with
the best rewards!
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