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Health and Wellness
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By Ranu Boppana,
MD
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| Domestic
Abuse Victims: Why They Stay and What You Can Do to Help
Recently reported in the media was the hideous
case of Santhosh Paul of Long Island, New York. Paul apparently
met with a hit man to have his wife killed so that he could collect
on the life insurance policies he had taken out on her. He gave
the hit man, who was really an undercover officer, a photograph
of his wife, her car’s license plate number, her schedule,
her business card, $2,700 in cash and a copy of the insurance policy
to prove he could pay the rest of the $200,000 he had promised.
Particularly unbelievable is how, even after police showed Tina
Paul a videotape of her husband meeting with the hit man, she refused
to cooperate with the prosecution and claimed that her husband was
innocent. The prosecutor managed to obtain a conviction, but it
was on a lesser charge than they could have gotten with her help.
Though this is an extreme case, there are many
South Asian women who choose to stay with their abusive husbands
for complicated reasons. This is baffling and exasperating for those
who witness this behavior. The barriers to getting help go far beyond
the financial and logistical. Abused South Asian women stay in their
abusive relationships for many reasons, some of which are psychological
and difficult to uncover.
Beyond financial dependence, South Asian women,
particularly recent immigrants, may
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Photographer: Rodrigo Torres |
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face helplessness that
relates to language barriers, unfamiliarity with the legal system,
immigration issues and a lack of awareness of social service systems
that are available. Furthermore, there may be cultural obstacles,
as many South Asian women find that they and their children are
isolated from their communities once they leave their abusive husbands.
Many fear that raising their children in the midst of social ostracism
means raising them without opportunities. Also, many have been repeatedly
told by their abusers that they are incapable. Some fear that the
man’s point of view will always prevail with police or in
court. Others grew up without a sense of personal determination—the
idea that you can plan for and affect your own future—having
been taught instead to deal with their fate whatever that may be,
and that their fate is a result of what they deserve. Much of this
thinking is sometimes unconscious and cannot be accessed without
a lot of supportive counseling. Furthermore, abuse sometimes leads
to secondary mental health issues such as depression and posttraumatic
stress disorders, which require appropriate treatment before a woman
can positively change her life.
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Some South Asian women have only one mental script for how their
life is supposed to go. There are no viable alternatives that they
can envision for themselves if they leave an abusive husband. Popular
South Asian culture and media perpetuates this by not telling these
stories. Women need to access their strengths and a support base
before even contemplating departure from their abusive husbands.
Some have the support available to them but have been isolated from
it by their abusers. Also, the time period when she leaves her abuser
is the most dangerous for an abused woman. She needs to have a clear
and viable safety plan in place before she acts, because this is
a time when she and her children face real danger.
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A concerned friend or family member, who is speaking to a woman
about possibly leaving her abuser, can be helpful by becoming more
aware of all the complexities that abused South Asian women face.
Otherwise, a victim’s helplessness can leave the supporter
also feeling helpless, frustrated and angry, which will not help
an abused woman feel empowered. Instead of getting angry or upset
with her, point out her strengths, sources of support and examples
of how she has overcome other obstacles. All of this will help her
further contemplate the possibilities. Speak to her about her fears
and let her know you are there to help her figure this out. Help
her to find resources such as support groups, a counselor, a hotline
or a source of legal information. Discuss her fears about the children.
If you are an adult child who has witnessed domestic violence, get
counseling for yourself so that you are emotionally able to deal
with this discussion. Of course, if you witness assault, call the
police. Otherwise, remember that it is her life and her decision,
but that your support may be crucial to her ultimately taking the
step to leave.
An excellent resource for help is the domestic violence hotline
at 1-800-799-SAFE. There are also many South Asian domestic violence
organizations around the country including SAKHI in New York. Their
website at www.sakhi.org and their staff offer more information
about other sources of support within the South Asian community.
Ranu Boppana, MD is an Adult and Child Psychiatrist
in private practice in New York, NY and a Clinical Instructor at
the NYU School of Medicine.
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