QUESTION
I'm a woman who spent most of my life getting my education, and now
that I've finished, I'm nearly 30 and haven't gotten married. The
pressure around me from my parents and friends is enough to make me
settle into an arranged marriage. Despite hearing that love can come
later in a marriage instead of earlier, I worry that I am doomed to
be in a marriage in which I’ll always feel lukewarm. Is there
anything I can do to solve this situation? Am I always going to feel
this way?
ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
If you’re almost 30 and still single, chances are, you are beginning
to wonder if there is something wrong with you. After all, the pressure
to get married probably started as early as birth when your parents’
best friends joked with your parents about pairing you off with their
son.
The good news is that it has become increasingly
common for our generation to marry later in life. Getting married
later than our parents has its benefits. People often know themselves
better and have a clearer idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
They also tend to be wiser and more secure with themselves, which
makes for a more lasting relationship.
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Photographer: Suraj Shetty |
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Many of us have also been
told since we were toddlers that we can be anything we imagine. So
focusing on your career before your marriage is not unheard of and
will not automatically result in a loveless, arranged marriage.
That said, if you are concerned about meeting potential
partners, it is important to remember that people meet their spouses
in all sorts of ways: through networking, online dating, friends and,
yes, even arranged marriages. In more traditional arranged marriages,
couples may get only one or two meetings before their wedding day.
However, more recently, the definition of an arranged marriage has
expanded to simply serve as a platform for meeting someone who is
interested in dating with marriage as an end goal. This would give
you the chance to date potential suitors and assess your compatibility,
instead of just hoping that the love will come later. While I am not
suggesting that you blindly go ahead with an arranged marriage, this
method could provide an opportunity to begin dating someone.
Whether you decide to take the arranged marriage
route or not, do take time to get to know your partner. Learn about
each other's value systems and short and long-term goals early in
the dating process. Since you are dating for marriage, you shouldn't
date someone whose life view and expectations are very different from
yours, because the foundation of a long-term relationship is based
on compatible values and goals.
Until you meet that special someone, you must take
the time to build a community of friends and find other types of pleasure
in your life. Do not lose yourself in the process. It is a commonly
known fact that when we are happy with ourselves, good things come
to us!
QUESTION
I am a 50 year old male. Nowadays, I have little or no sexual passion.
Is it normal to have few sexual feelings during your fifties? I have
been tested for the testosterone hormone, which shows that my testosterone
is within normal range. Is there any good medicine for this? Please
advise.
ANSWER by Dipika Dandade
Decreased libido, or a decreased desire to have sex, can have multiple
causes. Increasingly stressful issues complicate our lives as we age.
We worry about our work, retirement, children, parents, marriages
and so on. Sex may be the last thing on your mind. More pressing issues,
such as paying the bills on time or helping the kids with their homework,
may take up your free time. Sleep may seem too precious to sacrifice.
Or, you might be bored with sex with your partner.
If you are in a relationship, it is worth scheduling some time to
be intimate. Though it may not be spontaneous, you need to prove to
yourself and your significant other that it is important to you to
make the effort. Liven things up a bit by renting a hotel room or
engaging with each other’s fantasies. If you feel the stress
of your life is too overwhelming, it might even be helpful to seek
outside help with a therapist.
Medical problems such as depression can certainly
dampen your sex drive. On the flip side, medications used to treat
depression can suppress desire as well. If this is an issue, speak
with your health provider and try to find treatment that has the least
effect on you. Other culprits can include medications for high blood
pressure. Aging, itself, can cause a decline in testosterone levels
and subsequently affect your desire. As you mentioned, your testosterone
levels were normal. Testosterone replacement can be given to those
with low levels. You should also have your thyroid checked to ensure
that there are no abnormalities.
Decreased libido should not be confused with erectile
dysfunction (ED), which is the actual physical inability to obtain
an erection. The causes are similar, including psychological issues,
medical problems and medications. However, ED can be improved with
medications such as Viagra.
Be open with your doctor. If all your lab tests
are, indeed, negative, you might benefit from a referral to a therapist.
If your doctor thinks ED may be an issue as well, a urologist may
be better able to address your symptoms.
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