| Before the Wedding:
Take initiative. A good maid of honor will
make herself available to help the bride out before the wedding. That
doesn’t mean that you need to be at the bride’s beck and
call, but you should be willing to take an active role in the wedding
planning process and be accessible for specific duties and obligations.
Great leadership skills always pay off and, after all, she picked
you for a reason.
Be a good friend. Wedding planning can
often be very stressful for the bride and groom, and the couple may
rely on close friends and family for emotional support. When the bride’s
favorite venue is unavailable or she is arguing with her mother over
table centerpieces, she may turn to you, her maid of honor, for support,
comfort and encouragement. I am sure that if she were in your position,
she would do the same!
Be the number two wedding planner. A maid
of honor might also assist the bride with finding a venue for the
wedding and reception, arranging appointments with vendors (such as
the florist, wedding cake baker and photographer), helping address
invitations and being a main point of contact when the bride is unavailable.
The bride may ask you for advice when making some key decisions about
the event!
Hit the stores. As maid
of honor, you might join the bride and her family when selecting wedding
attire. In both North American and South Asian weddings, bridesmaids
often wear coordinating outfits (for example: dresses, saris,
salwar kameez or lenghas) that are selected by the
bride. A maid of honor might wear a slightly different outfit to stand
apart from the rest of the bridal party or carry a unique accessory,
such as a candle, lantern or bouquet of flowers, during the ceremony.
The bride should pick outfits that will look flattering on each of
her bridesmaids. If you are a maid of honor, the bride may rely on
your input when selecting an outfit that looks and feels acceptable
for the rest of the bridal party. After all, the bridal party should
feel comfortable on the day of the wedding.
In North American weddings, it is traditional for
each bridesmaid to pay for her own outfit. If the bride expects each
bridesmaid to purchase her outfit, then the bride should consider
the cost of the outfit and make this cost affordable for each member
of the bridal party. Bottom line is that if the bride really wants
her bridesmaids and maid of honor to wear expensive designer saris,
then it is probably best for the bride herself to pick up the tab.
Each bride is different and who should pay for the clothing is a matter
of personal opinion, but I do think it is a nice gesture for the bride
to pay for the bridal party’s outfits out of her own pocket.
After all, her bridesmaids are participating in the wedding for her!
Spread the registry word. In my series
of wedding articles, I recommended that it is probably not a sign
of good etiquette for a bride and groom to put registry information
in the wedding invitation. However, a maid of honor might help spread
the word to guests about the location of the couple’s gift registries.
Get the word out by sending an email to guests with online links to
the registry websites.
Plan the bridal shower and bachelorette
party. Today it is traditional in most cultures for
the female family members and friends of the bride to participate
in a bridal shower and bachelorette party. The maid of honor (with
help from other bridesmaids or family members) might help to either
host or plan these functions and foot or share the cost with others.
You might choose to throw a bridal shower in a home or restaurant
depending on the total number of guests, and it is customary for each
guest to bring a small gift for the bride. The maid of honor will
usually help create a guest list, choose and set up food and beverages,
organize games and record the names of guests that have brought gifts
for the bride to send out thank you notes.
If you choose to share the costs of the event, you
should keep track of expenses and split them among the hosting parties.
A bachelorette party is usually a much more informal event, in which
a group of women might take the bride out to celebrate her last days
of singlehood with an evening of dinner, dancing and games. Send out
invitations at least one month prior to each event with an RSVP date
no less than a week before the event. As a maid of honor, you should
consult the bride about her preferences for each event before making
any choices. Involve other bridesmaids and family members in the planning
process so everyone feels like a part of the celebrations.
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Five Common Maid of
Honor Etiquette Questions
1. What if I don’t like the outfit the bride
picked out for me to wear?
Every bride should pick outfits for her maid of honor and bridal
party that are comfortable and make them feel attractive. If
the bridesmaids are not paying for their own outfits but are
not particularly satisfied with the bride’s selections,
you as a maid of honor should speak to them and come to a unanimous
decision about whether to approach the bride or not. If you
are paying for your own outfit, then it is perfectly appropriate
to kindly advise the bride that you would like to consider other
more flattering and/or comfortable options in the same style
or color as the original choice. Don’t be afraid to be
honest but offer constructive criticism. Perhaps you can assist
the bride with finding better options in her style, color and
price range and make the decision easier on her!
2. Do I need to give the bride a wedding gift even
though I am hosting the bridal shower and bachelorette party?
Yes! It is customary for every guest at a wedding to give a
gift to the bride and groom even if you are in the bridal party.
If cost is an issue and you cannot afford to give a gift to
the couple, you may choose to share the cost among other bridesmaids
or friends instead. It’s the thought that counts!
3. What if I live far away and can’t attend
the pre-wedding events?
If you are a maid of honor
but live far away from the bride, you should try to attend as
many events as you can. However, if you are unable to attend
the bridal shower or bachelorette party, I think it is a sign
of good etiquette to at least volunteer your help to the bride’s
family or friends in planning and also don’t forget to
give the bride a nice gift.
4. Is it acceptable for the bride to choose two
maids of honor?
It is perfectly acceptable for the bride to have as many maids
of honor as she desires. These are the women to whom she feels
closest–friends, sisters, mother or even grandmother.
The bride should outline duties to each maid of honor so that
there is no confusion during the planning process and on the
wedding day. If, for some reason, the bride can only have one
maid of honor, then she might give the other individual different
jobs (for example, reading at the ceremony or giving a toast
at the reception) so she feels involved in the wedding.
5. What if I am a maid of honor and the bride is
constantly stressed out, disorganized and irritable–a
“bridezilla”?
As a maid of honor,
you are the bride’s right hand woman. She chose you because
she feels close to you and trusts you deeply. If the bride does
become stressed or you feel that she is becoming difficult to
be around, then take the initiative and talk to her about her
issues. Ask her if there is anything that you can help her with
to make her experience more positive. You might offer to take
her away for a weekend or treat her to a manicure/pedicure or
a day away. As the maid of honor, you should always be calm
and collected and set an example for the bride herself.
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