From Confused to Confident

By Dyuti Sengupta

What I Have Learned about Desi and American Culture

In the wake of recent movies, both English and Hindi (e.g. The Namesake and Namastey London), depicting the classic and sometimes trite clash between two significantly different cultures, I have been thinking a lot about my own ideas in terms of cultural “confusion.”

I have never bothered with the whole “experience” of being an “American Born Confused or Confident Desi” too much, especially because I grew up in a small Midwestern town with only two other South Asian families. To be honest, there was not too much to be confused about. My standard answer, to all curious people, has always been and continues to be, “My parents are from India, and I was born here.”

I felt that this would explain all that needed to be clarified. Despite my self-proclaimed cultural distinction, I do not feel I was denied the opportunity to learn about my heritage. That is, I can understand my parents' language fluently and can speak if needed, although it is not my primary language. Furthermore, occasional trips to India as a child helped reinforce my cultural identity and heritage.

Yes, I am confident, but I must admit that I have gone through my own little crisis every now and then. Among them I include the now-outdated goal of being the “Proper Indian Girl,” who stays quiet and does all things perfectly, as instructed by her parents. A favorite armchair sport of South Asian parents, of course, is comparing their children's accomplishments. For me, rebelling overtly against such games was my own personal pastime, but it made me a seemingly ill-behaved young lady in front of the aunties. Other problems included intercultural dating dilemmas, but, after dating men of all types, I discovered there were jerks and good guys alike in each group, whether they were South Asian-born or South Asians who grew up here. Obvious? Maybe. But yet there continues to be media frenzy and discussion surrounding the difference between American and Indian culture.

The Turning Point
I learned one of the biggest lessons of my life when, in my early 30s, I finally married a man born and raised entirely in India. After a few quick email exchanges through a dating site on the Internet, we met in person and hit it off, based completely on our life philosophies, interests and quirky senses of humor. He was raised in metropolitan Mumbai by liberal parents who also did not have an arranged marriage, and thus held many of the same values I had been brought up with. His being raised in India held some fascination for me on one level, and yet it was something I could entirely accept because we had somewhat similar values, and I knew what India was, to some degree.

The Comparisons and Contrasts
Although my husband and I have many similar values, there have been some interesting discussions and situations that have really opened my eyes in terms of what I like and do not like about the culture that we both share.

First and foremost, we both share a deep respect for close-knit families, each other's family and the elder members in our family. I think this is the backbone of both of our characters and will help us have a healthy family of our own. Another unexpected and fun outcome of my marriage has been my increasing effort to learn Hindi, which, though not my parents' language, I find entertaining and challenging. India's rich artistic, linguistic and cultural traditions make for a constant intellectual adventure.

On the other hand, right before our marriage, we were invited to many parties that gave me flashbacks of family get-togethers from my childhood (picture all the men in one room, while women worked in the kitchen and fed their kids endless piles of rice and curry). I wore myself out not only eating, but listening to endless opinions and advice. Of course, like an office party or neighborhood barbeque, excessive eating and this hit-or-miss small talk are things that I can only do once in a while. When I was in my teens and 20's, I would sometimes blow the events up into more than they were, thinking I just couldn't deal with that seemingly shallow part of the culture.

In the past, I had a tendency to find fault in everything that auntie what's-her-name suggested or take personally all of uncle so-and-so's comments about my standardized test scores (which were, of course, never quite as high as his son’s or daughter's, who were already programmed to attend MIT or Harvard). However, my husband helped me see that such events and behaviors are just part of the Indian culture, not to be taken too seriously, but to be dealt with gracefully and calmly. He also reminded me that these are a set of people completely removed from their motherland and that assimilating is different for everybody. Perhaps this group was not quite like my parents, but they were still people living away from their country and their culture.

Despite the occasional bumps, I am really happy with the big role India has had in my life. It's a source of pride and truly an integral part of my identity.

Dyuti Sengupta is an American Born Desi raised in Middle America, now married to an Indian-born Desi who has learned to appreciate the best of both worlds. She lives in Belmont, California and is pursuing a PhD in Geography at the University of California at Berkeley.

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