Love and Sex Prescription

By Anju Mulchandani

QUESTION
I'm in love with my boyfriend, and I can see us growing old together and the whole nine yards. But there are times when we go weeks without seeing each other and barely talk due to our hectic school and work schedules. For some reason, when this happens, my ex shows up. And I begin to have second thoughts about my boyfriend. How do I get rid of my ex (who's also a good friend)? And how do I stop feeling so insecure about my boyfriend and our relationship?

ANSWER
Many people have a hard time being friends with their exes for the very reason you have mentioned; your ex can sometimes prevent your current relationship from reaching its full potential. Of course it is not easy to stay away from your ex, because a certain amount of emotional familiarity already exists between you two. But this means that you are diverting some of your emotional energies into the past at the expense of the future.

These difficulties can overpower and sometimes destroy something that has a lot of promise. So if you would like to give your current boyfriend a real chance, it is your responsibility to limit contact with your ex. This does not mean that you have to stop being friends altogether. But having less contact with him might allow you to make more room for your boyfriend and help you to better assess how you feel about him.

It also seems that the long periods of time that you and your boyfriend spend without contact are contributing to your insecurities. Before trying to work on this, you should ask yourself why this is the case. Are you subconsciously trying to stay away from each other or is it truly a result of hectic schedules?

If you would like to work on this problem, it is important to prioritize your relationship. Make time for each other—go out on dates as often as you can or, at least, establish regular contact. If you and your boyfriend need to resolve an issue, find an appropriate time to talk about it and work toward a solution. Whatever you do, remember to communicate constantly, because communication is a fundamental part of any relationship.

Understand that the development of emotional intimacy is an ongoing process, and it can only happen if you put in the effort.

QUESTION
I'm an ABCD myself (my father came to California in 1950 at the ripe ol' age of two), and I am about to marry a guy from India. I met him during my brother's wedding, and we hit it off immediately. The only problem is that he wants to live in India part time and California part time. I care about him deeply, but I am not sure how an ABCD can live in India. Just my luck, marrying an Indian who doesn't want to leave India!

ANSWER
Every South Asian parent secretly believes that their child will meet the love of his or her life at a wedding, so kudos to you for succeeding! The tricky part is making this complicated situation work for you.

It sounds like you are fully aware of what a major change it would be to live in India after having grown up in the United States. Not only would you have to get accustomed to using words like “wafers” instead of chips, and “loo” instead of bathroom, but you would also have to adjust to a whole slew of cultural differences.

Since this is the case, you should stop and ask yourself how adept you are at adapting to change? When unforeseen roadblocks surface, do you find ways around them or are you more inclined to give up? The ability to embrace change is a necessary quality when making a life-altering decision.

Also, have you ever spent a significant amount of time in India or had the opportunity to visit? Though you might not be able to assess your ability to live in the country based on a vacation, you would at least be able to determine whether you could see yourself living there. If you have never visited, I would recommend doing so before committing to spending a portion of your life there.

In addition to visiting, here are a few more things to think about: Will you be expected to live with your partner’s family when you move and, if so, are you okay with this? Are you comfortable giving up luxuries that you have taken for granted in the United States that don’t exist in a developing nation? And finally, will you resent your partner for distancing you from your home and family?

If you have asked yourself these questions and feel that the compromise is worth it, you should know what to expect in terms of an adjustment period. Research has shown that there is a sequence of phases that people tend to go through as they adapt to an unfamiliar culture. At first there is a period of excitement as you begin to explore your new surroundings. But this usually ends and gives way to some amount of anxiety as you struggle to reestablish yourself in a new system. The next phase includes a regression into a safe haven where contact with all the newness is minimized. Finally, you emerge into the adjustment stage where you start to feel comfortable in your new environment.

It usually takes two years before most people feel at home in a new country. But this time period can be greatly affected by your desire to accept the change. Therefore, if you make the decision to move for the person you love, it is important that you do so wholeheartedly. At the end of the day, if you are not happy in your environment, you may have difficulty being happy in your relationship.

Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional problems.

ABCDlady does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.

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