Parenting

By Ashini J. Desai

A few kids at the playground have spoken a couple of phrases that my two-year old son has picked up, such as “shut up.” He’s too young to realize that these are bad words, so how do I make him stop saying them?
When a child does something well, you cheer the loudest, hoping to reinforce the action. Now, when your little one says something of which you don’t approve, your easiest options are not acknowledging the behavior or showing disapproval. When the child is older, you can calmly explain which words are not okay to use. You don’t have to define them or go into detail. Point out that even if someone else uses it, you don’t want your child to repeat it. Your child will undoubtedly ask, “Then why do people say it?” Perhaps you might explain that sometimes people are angry or frustrated and can’t think of better words to use. A “time out” or punishment would not be necessary unless your child is saying these words or phrases on purpose. If a child says it without knowing what he or she is doing, then you might consider a reprimand.

It’s important to curb your own language and ask others around your child to do the same. This is probably easier said than done. You may suddenly find yourself in a traffic jam and let out a stream of expletives only to hear a tiny echo from the backseat. If your child catches you, you can admit that you made a mistake and should have known better. I’ve done a quick step by saying, “Next time, I’ll say Sugar-pops!” My daughter then asks what a “sugar-pop” is and if she can have a popsicle.

I just had my first child and have so many visitors! You know how South Asian families are—everyone wants to see and hold the baby. How can I politely ask relatives to wash their hands without upsetting everyone?
This is one of your first challenges of parenthood within the South Asian family structure. Realize your first priority is your child’s health and safety. Newborns are more susceptible to exposure from germs and/or viruses.

In this case, both parents need to be on the same page and need to believe that all visitors should wash their hands. If one parent lets it go and the other enforces it, conflicts will arise. My husband and I agreed on handwashing, especially since we had a baby during the winter and flu season. However, we still offended some well-meaning relatives, who thought it was a ploy to keep them away. It was a challenge to convince them to take two minutes to wash first.

We said, “We’re so glad you came to visit the baby! Sonu Auntie, we’re just asking all our guests to wash their hands in the powder room. You know how newborns are right now, especially with that cold going around, so, just to be safe. I’ll have the camera ready for pictures when you come back!”

It’s easier when this request comes from the parent to whom the visitor is closer or the parent that he or she is more likely to obey.

My nephew is a total nightmare! He comes over, runs all around and throws balls around my living room, which has fragile vases! How can I get his parents to parent him?
The issue of disciplining other people’s children in your own home is a tough one. There are a couple of options I know from experience.

Take precautions and childproof your home. Even if you have a child, you may need to childproof it even more for some other children. Our daughter never touches certain objects, but when there are two or three nieces and nephews coming to visit, we know exactly where the tornado zone will be and we move some of the fragile items into another room. Leave the special pieces out when you have guests who will appreciate them.

Think safety first. If a child is out of control, say “Sareena, don’t jump on the sofa because you might get hurt.” Otherwise, you can alert the parent directly. Tell the mother or father, “Neel is banging the door and I think he may get his fingers caught if he doesn’t stop.”

If this child is in your house, you probably have a comfortable enough relationship with the parent that you can confront the parent gently. Offer an alternative, such as “Can we have Raju play with his Matchbox cars instead of throwing the ball in the house? If he wants to play ball, let’s go outside then!”

If the parent is not present, then you are the person in charge. If you’re unsure about this role, talk to the parent before the child is left in your care. You should be able to instruct and discipline the child gently, with requests such as, “Please sit down, Aanya. We do not walk around the house with orange popsicles.”

Ashini J. Desai is a software professional, full-time mother and wife, and a creative writer for various websites, including her own blogsite, www.ashinid.blogspot.com.

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