| This does not mean that
you have to give up everything you love. You should continue to make
time for yourself—even if this just means staying up to read,
as you have mentioned. Making time for yourself will help to preserve
a healthy sense of identity within the relationship. It is also important
to make time for your friends and for you and your husband to maintain
your individual friendships.
Everyone who has a full life has had to make certain
trade-offs but, with time, you will see that the good parts of the
relationship gradually outnumber the less pleasant ones. If you feel
that you’re in a controlling situation in which your husband
is forcing you to give up your favorite pastimes, or you aren’t
seeing eye-to-eye on accommodating one another, you may want to consider
counseling. Be patient with yourself, as this is all a part of what
it takes to build a life together—just remember to have fun
in the process!
QUESTION
I am a South Asian woman married to a South Asian man. We live in
the United States and enjoy our lives together. However, there are
times when my husband behaves like a "know-it-all" and imposes
his suggestions on me. He's sometimes quite bossy and condescending.
It is difficult to talk to him when he's like this. I am usually quiet
when he gets like this, because I think he just needs to talk and
take center stage. Besides, I think his behavior is immature, and
if I respond to it, I feel dragged down to his low level of immaturity.
Once he's finished yapping, it's over, but the feeling of disrespect
prevails. How can I talk to my husband about what he does and how
it makes me feel?
ANSWER
Feeling like you’re not being heard in your
own relationship can be very frustrating. However, all couples experience
conflicts and learning how to work through and resolve them can prove
to be a great growth experience in your marriage.
You are on the right track if you realize that discussing
this with your husband is the first step. Often, we don’t want
to tell our significant other that his or her behavior is hurtful,
because we expect it to be as obvious to him or her as it is to us.
But this is seldom the case, and we must realize that just because
someone is close to us doesn’t mean they are psychic.
The first step in broaching this topic with your
husband is finding a good time and place. Pick a time when he is relaxed
and a place that is free from interruptions. Then, begin to share
how you are affected by the way he talks to you. When doing this,
it is important to use “I” statements rather than “You”
statements, which can sound accusatory or make your partner feel defensive.
For example, try saying, “I feel my opinion isn’t being
heard,” instead of, “You never listen to me.”
Explain how you feel by referring to specific examples,
instead of focusing on his personality traits. It is much more difficult
for someone to change his or her personality than it is to change
specific behaviors. Additionally, if he feels blamed or attacked,
he will not be able to think seriously about what you are saying and
will not be able to respond in a thoughtful manner.
Hopefully, your husband will be open to discussing
this issue and moving beyond it. You deserve to be treated with respect
and to feel as though you are an equal in your relationship. However,
as I mentioned before, it is difficult for people to change their
personalities, so make sure that your expectations are realistic.
If you feel that your efforts to communicate are not getting you anywhere,
you might consider seeking professional help. Though people are often
hesitant to go this route, many couples find that counseling enables
them to communicate more effectively.
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