Love and Sex Prescription

By Anju Mulchandani
and Dipika Dandade, M.D.

QUESTION
I’m in love with a man who is divorced. I’m a little apprehensive about his being divorced because of the baggage he must have, but I’ve been with him long enough that I don’t think it’s bad. I decided to tell my parents because we’ve started talking about marriage, but they have not been supportive at all. I think they will come around if they know that I am happy but probably not for now. I’m not sure what to do because I am convinced that he is the one for me.

ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
Handsome, wealthy, good family—these are all descriptions that cause aunties’ eyes to light up when talking about your future husband, but “divorced” is not one of them. It is no secret that divorce is frowned upon in the South Asian community. Despite the social stigma attached to it, divorce is becoming more common amongst South Asians. Just last year the website secondshaadi.com launched, catering to South Asians looking to get married for the second time. The popularity of this website reflects the significant number of South Asians that fit into this category.

It is understandable, however, that apart from the social stigma of divorce you are concerned about your boyfriend’s “baggage.” This is natural when you’re considering marrying someone whose first marriage didn’t work out. You might worry that he didn't learn from his first break-up or that he may consider divorce an easy way out when things get tough. These are legitimate apprehensions that are worth exploring, but they don’t necessarily mean that this person is not right for you.

Has he told you why he and his ex-wife are no longer together? Does it seem as though he has gone through the mourning process and has taken the time to heal and evaluate what didn't work the first time? Are there any negative behavioral patterns that he seems to be repeating from his first marriage? These are all very important things to pay attention to if you are concerned about his past.

Since you feel comfortable with the relationship, realize that marriages break up for many reasons and often it isn't the fault of any one partner. Many divorces could have been avoided if a couple had learned early on to continually nurture their relationship and develop skills in areas such as communication and conflict resolution. Many men and women learn from the mistakes of their first marriages and are able to have much more successful relationships the second time around.

As for your parents, it is somewhat expected, given their South Asian background, that they will not jump for joy. Think about whether they are genuinely worried about one of your boyfriend’s flaws and, if so, look into that concern a little deeper to see whether it has a foundation. However, if you believe that they will come around, then be patient and hopeful that this will happen. If you are still having trouble deciding what to do, take your time to really feel out the relationship before you decide to get married.

QUESTION
I have been smoking for some time now but have become more aware of the risks involved. Can smoking affect my sexual health in any way?

ANSWER by Dipika Dandade, M.D.
As you know, smoking can cause damage to major organs, including your heart and lungs. Smokers are at increased risk for cardiovascular disease such as heart attacks, pulmonary problems like emphysema and, of course, cancer. Don’t overlook the “superficial” physical effects of smoking, too. It can increase the number of wrinkles on your face, especially around the mouth. Cigarette smoke can cause irritation of the eye with resultant redness. And, let’s not forget about stained teeth and bad breath.

What you might not know, however, is that smoking can affect sexual health and reproductive health in both men and women too.

Men who smoke can experience erectile dysfunction as a result. Smoking can cause narrowing or blockage of the blood vessels that supply the penis. Subsequently, the blood flow to the penis is reduced, which might result in problems attaining or maintaining erection. If you are interested in having kids, it is important to know that smoking reduces the quantity and quality of sperm as well.

In women, smoking has been linked with early menopause. Smokers risk decreased fertility, likely due to the harmful effect of toxins on the ovaries and fallopian tubes. Also, they are at increased risk of miscarriage. If they do become pregnant, those who smoke can have serious problems with pregnancy including preterm delivery or low birth weight in their children. Their babies are at increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and breathing difficulties as well. Additionally, smoking is a risk factor for pre-cancer of the cervix – so, be sure to stay current on your pap smears.

For advice on quitting smoking, check out resources available at http://www.smokefree.gov/.

Dipika Dandade, M.D., 31, is an obstetrician/gynecologist practicing in the Los Angeles area.

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