Love and Sex Prescription

By Anju Mulchandani

QUESTION
I am dating a pretty cool guy who is very sweet and attentive. I like him a lot and can see us being together long-term. The only problem is his friends. So far, I really can’t stand most of them. They are obnoxious and not very fun to be around, and the fact that he keeps friends like this makes me question his own character. But he has been friends with them for so long that it’s not as if I can get him to stop. I’m not sure what to do.

ANSWER
I have always been told that my friends are a reflection of myself, so I should select them carefully. But what happens when you select your closest friend in the second grade because you really like her new Barbie? This, admittedly, is not the most solid reason, but at the ripe old age of eight, what better reason could there be?

Similarly, it sounds like your boyfriend made his friends many years ago and bonded over something—maybe not a Barbie—that they had in common at the time. While your boyfriend grew up and developed into a mature person, maybe his friends haven’t quite gotten there yet. Despite this fact, he has a history with these people. It is entirely possible that he recognizes their flaws but the inside jokes and shared experiences make him want to stick around. Old friends are almost like family—they’ve been with you for so long, it’s almost like you didn’t chose them.

Unfortunately, it is not your place to ask him to end his friendships. What you can do is express, in the most non-judgmental way possible, that his friends make you uncomfortable and you do not think you will be able to hang out with them. Remember to be sensitive when you communicate this, as your boyfriend will likely be hurt that you don’t want to spend time with his friends. If he asks you to be more specific, gently give him examples of a few behaviors that bother you, but don’t attack their characters, as this will only make him feel worse.

A good compromise is for you to see his friends less often and spend time with your friends on the nights he is spending time with his. This may not seem ideal, but no relationship can survive without compromise!

QUESTION
I am engaged to a man I have been dating for many years. We are currently planning the wedding, but, to be honest, I’m not very excited about getting married. There are a lot of good things about my fiancé, but we fight constantly and have broken up a few times before. Recently, I’ve been questioning it more. The wedding is now only a few months away, and I’m not sure if I should go through with it. I need to make a decision quickly before we invest any more financial resources. Help!

ANSWER
It sounds like you are experiencing some serious pre-wedding jitters. Sure, being a runaway bride probably wouldn’t go over so well in our marriage-obsessed South Asian culture, but it is still worth exploring which doubts are healthy and which are warning signs that the relationship is not right for you.

You should first take a step back from the wedding planning and try thinking seriously about where your doubts are coming from. Is it your fiancé or the idea of the wedding itself? Often, women are anxious about the overwhelming preparations for the wedding—the money, the relatives, the planning—as well making a major change in the way they will be living their lives.

If this is the case, recognize that preparing for a life-altering event can be very stressful and you may need to give yourself a short break. Try setting aside some time for you and your fiancé to pamper one another. Be sure to communicate your feelings with him so he can be understanding of your situation.

On the other hand, maybe you’re stressed about your relationship with your fiancé. It might be helpful to spend some time talking to people in happy marriages. Ask them if it's normal to feel this way. You should also try keeping a journal of your feelings and writing out your thoughts down as they come to you. Not only does writing your fears make them seem more manageable, but when you go back and read them, you will have a clearer idea of the underlying problem.

Whatever you decide to do, realize that if your relationship isn't secure before you marry, marriage will not solve the problem. So if you’re only going through with your wedding because you are too embarrassed to call it off or you're worried about hurting your fiancé, don’t be scared to head for the hills. The aunties may not be very understanding, but embarrassment and wasted expenses are a small price to pay when avoiding a breakup down the road.

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