Feature

By Navdeep Kathuria

Miss Desi Manners

The Dos and Don'ts of Desi Etiquette

We all remember the days of Miss Manners, an etiquette expert whose column appeared in newspapers around the world. While reading her advice on proper gift-giving and how to write invitations, I was always struck by the fact that Miss Manners’ assertions didn’t quite fit for Desis. For instance, I’d venture to say that it is actually rude to show up to a Desi party on time. You’ll catch the hosts off guard and will likely end up sitting awkwardly on their couch with the first drink of the night, longingly wondering if it’s too early to take your first crack at the chutney sandwiches and chaat sitting beautifully on their counter. To help you navigate the strange world of cross-cultural manners, ABCDlady has made an attempt to compile a list of etiquette dos and don’ts, Desi-style.

My parents just got invited to a family friend’s wedding. Can my brother and I go to the wedding with them?
The short answer to this is “no.” Desi families used to invite the entire village to weddings that took place in South Asian countries, and the festivities would last for weeks. In America, we now have to worry about the price per guest and hall capacities, so considerations need to be made accordingly!

If the number of people invited is specified on the invite, that is the total number you can bring—it is not permissible to cross that number out and enter your own! If a number is not specified, but instead, names are listed, you may only bring the named individual(s). If you are the host, and the guests try to bring more people than you have budgeted for, the best way to handle this is to politely call the people you invited and let them know there is simply not enough room for the extra guests.

I’m going to a South Asian gala. Do I have to wear South Asian clothing?
While it is socially acceptable to wear American clothing at a South Asian gala, you are much better received if you are in South Asian attire. Men, however, can sport South Asian or American apparel.

There is unspoken peer pressure to show you have links to your South Asian roots. According to Ranu Boppana, an adult and child psychiatrist in New York, “Women in our society are given the responsibility of preserving our traditions. It’s alright to assimilate, but there is also pressure to hold on to those customs that are the fabric of our culture. I think this is borne out of the anxiety that comes with all that cultural change. People feel the need for some tradition and structure to anchor themselves.”

Dressing Desi also allows you to show off your South Asian clothing. Unless you live in an area with a large South Asian population, it is difficult to find clothes, not to mention keep up with the fact that skinny pants and funky, animal print saris are in. So, if you show up with the latest fad, you’ll be the envy of every girl there!

My friend got married and now, has a child. I’m far from doing either! Do I need to get a gift for the husband’s and child’s birthdays?
If this is a close friend, you should honor the child’s and husband’s birthdays in some way. If this is not a close friend, you can simply preserve whatever tradition you have in place for celebrating your friend’s birthday and only bring gifts for the child when visiting the family’s home or for major birthdays, such as a Sweet 16. However, if you’re attending the child’s or husband’s birthday party, you should definitely bring a gift!

Do I have to take off my shoes at the home of my South Asian friends?
Be prepared to remove your shoes when going to other South Asian friends’ homes. A good rule of thumb is to check the hosts’ feet as well as the other guests’. If they are not wearing shoes, you will also need to remove yours. Or look for shoes around the doorway—that is also a good sign you should remove yours. When in doubt, ask the host.

At what point should I address a non-relative as “auntie” or “uncle”?
We call our elder non-relatives “auntie” and “uncle” out of respect. When you’re a child, everyone is an “auntie” or “uncle.” The rules get tricky once you become an adult. If an individual is at least 15 years older than you, you should address him or her as “uncle” or “auntie.” Otherwise, you should call them by their first name.

I’m at a restaurant and need to answer my phone for plans later. Can I answer my phone if it’s really important?
I cannot stress this enough. It is rude, rude, rude to answer your phone at a restaurant! If you really must take a phone call, keep your phone on vibrate, so you do not disturb the other folks eating dinner. Then, politely excuse yourself to answer your phone. Before speaking to the person calling, go outside the hearing range of anyone eating at the restaurant.

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