Love and Sex Prescription

By Anju Mulchandani

QUESTION
My parents were very strict when I was a teenager, so I didn't have any opportunities to date until I got to college. I had a hard time committing to, or staying interested in any of the guys I got involved with until last year. I have now been in a serious relationship for almost a year and am extremely happy. The only problem is that I feel like he could be “The One,” and he seems pretty ready to settle down, but I'm not sure I want to end up with my first boyfriend. The thing that bothers me most is that he has had a lot of girlfriends and sexual partners, and he's my first and only. I'm not sure if I will end up resenting him if I stay with him, but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on being with someone who may be the love of my life. I know it's really irrational for me to get upset about his past, but sometimes I feel it is unfair, especially because there is such a double standard for Desi men and women when it comes to dating and sex. How can I learn to appreciate what I have and not hold against him things he cannot change?

ANSWER
It’s funny how, growing up, most South Asian girls aren’t allowed to date, but suddenly, one day in their early twenties, they are expected to be married. I think we are missing a step!

That step – dating – is what allows us to get to know more about what we are looking for in a partner, and the kinds of people we are compatible with, so I would be more concerned if you hadn’t dated at all. However, starting to date in college isn’t terrible, and it sounds like you have been able to meet some guys, even though you haven’t been in any serious relationships until now.

I believe that meeting the right person is a matter of chance. For some people, it might be the tenth person with whom they have a relationship, but it could just as easily be the first. What’s more important is whether your boyfriend makes you happy, which it sounds like he does, and that you have the same goals and priorities. Make sure you share a deep level of connection so you can continue to grow together after marriage.

As for his dating history, at least he seems to have been honest about it—otherwise he would have lowered the number! Everyone has a past, and if you believe he has been respectful to the women he has been intimate with, and that his relationships were healthy, then recognize that this is your problem, not his.

Chances are that even if you broke up with him and dated someone else, this is a problem you would still have to deal with. Of course, no one enjoys the thought of their partner being intimate with someone else, but the fact that he has relationship experience can only help him offer more in your relationship. In fact, his past relationships have helped him become the person you are in love with today.
So do your best not to dwell on something that happened before you came into your boyfriend’s life, and remind yourself that you are the person he has chosen to be with. Enjoy the present and remember that there is no need to rush into anything until you are comfortable.

QUESTION
I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and I really care about him. I can see myself ending up with him, but I think he’s ready to get married already while I think it’s too soon. I’d like to date a little bit longer until I feel 100% comfortable, and I don’t know why he wants to rush when we have the rest of our lives to look forward to. I don’t want him to leave me because of this, though, because I really think he’s the one.

ANSWER
This is a refreshing change from hearing men complain that women are pressuring them into marriage – though probably not as refreshing for you!

It’s never fun when both people in the relationship are at different emotional stages. It doesn’t sound like you are very far off, though – only that you need some more time to feel comfortable. It is important that you do take that time, since getting married simply because you feel pressured, is not a good enough reason. I understand that you care about your boyfriend, but you will only end up being anxious and resentful if you don’t allow your relationship to develop at a comfortable rate.

I suggest you sit your boyfriend down and have a talk with him. Tell him that you think everything is going well and moving in the direction of marriage, but also let him know that you sense he’s further along in the process, and you hope he can be comfortable with you moving at a different speed. After all, what’s most important is that, at the end, you both get to the same place.

This way, you can be honest with him but also reassure him that you share the same goal. Hopefully, he will be understanding because, like you said, there is no reason to rush since you have the rest of your lives to look forward to!

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