Parenting

By Ranu Boppana, MD

Last month, I wrote about hate crimes and harassment directed at South Asian children. We discussed the unfortunate prevalence of prejudice within schools and a few egregious recent examples of hate crimes directed at South Asian kids. These seem to be on the rise as part of the 9/11 backlash, and more and more South Asian children seem to report being traumatized by such harassment. So what can parents do to help their children respond to teasing or bullying, develop healthy identities and be proactive in promoting cultural understanding?

Bullying, which is very common in schools, can be verbal or physical. It’s not a harmless part of childhood as some adults have previously thought. A bully can be intimidating, coercive and relentless, leaving the victim feeling powerless. A bullied child can develop low self-esteem, anxiety, emotional problems or a refusal to attend school. As a result, bullying should always be taken seriously. Many schools have anti-bullying programs in their curricula, but parents should talk to their children about it as well. Let your children know that no one has the right to tease, taunt, threaten or hit them. It's criminal when adults and kids do it. Explain also that bullying is a pervasive problem and that adults are often unaware when one child is bullying another. Point out bullying and teasing when you see it on television or in the movies.

If you notice a change in your child’s personality, mood, social life, desire to go to school or academic functioning, consider whether your child is being bullied at school. Ask him or her about it in an open-ended way. If your suspicions are right, do your best to listen without reacting. Although it’s very hard for parents to hear that their child is being harassed, getting upset may cause your child to hide the truth from you. Let your child know that bullying is wrong but that it’s not his or her fault. Encourage your child to think through their sources of support – can he or she get help from a teacher or a guidance counselor? Have your child practice being assertive towards the bully but do not encourage him or her to fight back! Your child should learn to walk away from the bully and seek help from an adult. Encourage your child to walk with friends to and from school and during relatively unsupervised times such as lunch or recess. If these measures are not enough or your child doesn’t feel safe, speak to your child’s teacher or school administrator. If your child refuses to go to school, looks sad, has declined in his or her school functioning or complains of physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches, you may also need to seek professional assistance for your child.

If the bullying also has racial or xenophobic overtones, you will want to talk to your child about hate and prejudice. If the harassment is serious or widespread—if this isn’t the first time such an incident has happened at the school—you will also want to talk with your child’s school administrators. If physical injury or severe emotional trauma has occurred, report these incidents to the police and consider reporting them to civil rights agencies such as the Asian American Coalition, the Sikh Coalition or the South Asian American Leaders of Tomorrow.

An excellent book on the subject from The Anti-Defamation League called Hate Hurts: How Children Learn and Unlearn Prejudice, A Guide for Adults and Children recommends preparing children for their exposure to prejudice as they grow up. The book advises letting your child know that stereotypes (an idea that everyone in a group is a certain way) exist, people have prejudices (a negative feeling about unfamiliar people), and that they sometimes discriminate (treat a group of people unfairly) or scapegoat (unfairly blame a group for problems). Also helpful is pointing out such stereotypes in the mainstream media as you encounter them. The book also has a chapter on what parents can do to combat hate in the schools.

This is also the time to make sure that your child has a strong sense of his or her cultural identity. In the February 2006 issue of ABCDlady, I wrote about a related topic: parenting bicultural kids. Having a healthy bicultural identity helps children navigate conflicts with a strong sense of self. Sometimes parents who grew up abroad do not realize what it is like for their kids to grow up feeling outside the dominant culture. Read books together that talk about kids who are navigating between two worlds. This will give you both a chance to think more about the experience. Children of Asian America, compiled on behalf of the Asian American Coalition, is an excellent book of short stories about Asian kids from various cultures and their experiences. Several other books about South Asian culture are available at www.multiculturalkids.com. The Sikh Coalition’s website www.khalsakids.org has excellent resources for children on Sikhism. The American Muslim Teenager’s Handbook by the sister and brother team of Yasmine and Imran Hafiz is a book for kids about the Muslim teenage experience written by Pakistani-American teens.

Children can also learn more about their culture in after-school classes and summer camps. These venues also give them the opportunity to meet and talk to other South Asian kids like themselves who are having similar experiences. Celebrations are also a great opportunity for your children to share their culture with friends who may not know anything about South Asian culture. This provides an opportunity for cultural understanding and for your children to incorporate those aspects of their identity into their everyday lives. And finally, make sure to volunteer at your child’s school in whatever ways suits your schedule and inclination. Volunteering gives you an opportunity to see what goes on at school, meet teachers and other parents and see your child in context. This will also give you the chance to better understand your child’s experience and ask him or her more about it in a meaningful way.

By being proactive, spotting bullying, talking with children about prejudice and hate and advocating for them at school, hopefully South Asian parents will communicate to their kids that they are not in this alone. Furthermore, when South Asian children face troubling racism at school, they will hopefully understand that they are not defenseless but have the support of their parents and community to help them deal with these difficult issues.

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