Feature

By Monica Thakrar

Handling Family Conflict During the Holidays

With the holidays fast approaching, thoughts of mistletoe, office parties and gifts fill your mind. Holidays are supposed to be a time for good cheer, the giving spirit and spending time with family and friends. But for some, the holidays inevitably bring up additional stress and anxiety at the thought of coordinating schedules, managing family conflict and seeing family.

The holidays can be the highlight of the year, but can also put you in a position where you are stressed, frazzled and out of balance. For some, holiday family time involves defending life choices or getting quizzed on why they have not yet accomplished what their families think they should have. For singles, it can involve that dreaded question: “When are we going to hear your good news?” For married couples it can be, “When are we going to have grandchildren?” And for struggling artists it can be, “How are you going to make a living?”

Although the questions usually come from well-meaning hearts, they can still cause angst, stress and anxiety.

For example, Anjali gets really stressed out over the holidays. She is in her 30s, single and has a job in which she is quite successful by South Asian standards but isn’t happy. Whenever she goes home for the holidays, she gets questioned about marriage and her job when she’d rather be relaxing and going out with her friends. But Anjali doesn’t know how to lessen the stress of the holidays.

So how do you handle the conflict with loved ones during the holidays? Here are some suggestions for de-stressing this holiday season:

Have realistic expectations. If you know that every year you get asked about marriage or your job, then know that these same questions are going to come up this year. Learn to accept this and have a snappy response ready. For example, “You will be the first to know if I meet someone who is marriage material.” Also find ways to blow off steam, so the question doesn’t remain as bothersome to you. Perhaps you have a friend whom you can call when you are frustrated by the questions your family asks or maybe you could take some deep breaths to calm yourself down before you answer.

Set boundaries. Boundaries are limits we set in relationships that help define whom we are, what we stand for, what our needs are and what we desire. It is also a way to take full responsibility for our own actions and thoughts. To begin setting boundaries, learn how to distinguish when a boundary is crossed by being aware of how you feel. Are there certain questions or situations that leave you feeling drained of energy, anxious or upset? If so, set a boundary with a straightforward request or statement, such as“It’s not okay for you to comment on my weight. I would prefer if you would stop.” Once you make the request or set the boundary, be sure to follow up on the boundary with action. For example, you might leave the room if your family member continues, reminding him or her that talking about your weight is not appropriate.

Create positive new memories. Plan fun family events such as going to see a movie, playing games or going shopping together. Also focus on creating new (or continuing old) family traditions like baking cookies or decorating the house together. When you are focused on fun and positive activities, you can think less of the conflict that may come from close family relationships. Families often want the best for each member, so planning these activities will leave you with new memories to remember next holiday season, instead of stress and conflict.

Learn easy techniques to de-stress. Remember to take care of yourself throughout the holiday season. Simple, short exercises, such as neck stretches, shoulder rolls and deep breathing can keep you calm, collected and at-ease during the holiday season. Although stressful situations or conflict may still arise, by doing these easy techniques, you can stay stress-free throughout the season. Taking a break for yourself is a necessary part of living a stress-free life as it gives you time to rejuvenate and reconnect with who you are.

It would be a great use of your time to think about and plan how you can keep your holiday spirits intact this year. What can you start implementing today?

Back to Top